He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

I was the same as you. I wasn't completely opposed to dating someone with a child but it wasn't really my first choice. I agree he should be upfront and would wonder why he hadn't mentioned it before.

I guess it would come down to a few more details. The age of the child, his relationship with child's mother (if it's toxic then I wouldn't want to be invovled), his relationship with the child (a father who rarely/never sees his child is a red flag to me).

I’m not sure really as I do see parents posting on here about whether to say they have children on their dating profiles and the answers are always a mix of yes & no. I have a daughter and if I was single again and found myself on dating apps I’m not sure if I would advertise that fact on my dating profile. Part of me thinks you should because for some people it would be a dealbreaker so it’s best to give that info so you don’t waste someone’s time, but the other part of me says there are some awful people out there who would target someone they knew had children so I wouldn’t advertise for that reason.

I wouldn’t be too caught up on him not explicitly giving that info personally because as I say unless asked I’m not sure if I would, but if you have doubts about him already then he’s probably not right for you.

It should honestly be mandatory to have a section on OLD profiles imo stating if you have kids or not.
So many people get manipulated into spending sometimes significant ammounts of time getting to know someone and potentially developing feelings just to find out they ommited the fact they have a child.
They always give the same reason too, they didn't want potential matches to not give them a chance because they aren't interested in dating someone with a child/children.

I don't remember if my partner had information about his daughter in his profile but he definitely wouldn't shut up about her on our first date. Which I loved.
If you'd been on a few dates and he never spoke about his child, I would find it a bit strange. How did you find out?

It should honestly be mandatory to have a section on OLD profiles imo stating if you have kids or not

Then, paedo’s could target people they know have kids. It it were me I would never disclose that in a public way if looking to meet strangers.

It's a tricky one. I would definitely feel uneasy as a woman about advertising myself as a parent on an online dating site, it doesn't feel very safe. I'm not sure I'd feel the same if I were a man.

I think it should be mentioned early on, but I think if existing children are a dealbreaker then it's worth putting that on your profile in the first instance too, to hopefully weed some of them out!

I'm not sure there's a right answer other than letting the person know early, but not necessarily on their profile or in the initial online chats.

And I just see it was a first date, which seems an okay time to mention it. I think the issue is that you've been talking for a month beforehand, so maybe it feels like you have more of a relationship? I think with online dating it's always best to meet up fairly quickly, just because this or other stuff (like just not fancying someone!) isn't that uncommon when you actually meet someone face to face.

Honestly I can see why he didn't. I don't. It can make people including men targets for predators and yes there is women predators too.

He mentioned it on the first meeting, that's fair enough for me.🤷‍♀️

I don't have kids and I'd be annoyed if someone hadn't mentioned it, because you'd already been chatting about family so he deliberately chose not to tell you.

The fact he's now trying to put the blame on you is a red flag to me.

I'd walk away. Aside from anything else, I don't want to be someone's babysitter.

You've only been talking for a few weeks and this is the first time you've met so I don't really see this as deceitful. If he'd waited until you'd slept together or decided to become exclusive I'd think differently. If it's a dealbreaker it's still very easy for you to walk away.

Move on! Obviously. He’s already blaming you for something he’s done wrong.

I completely understand why a mother might hesitate to share that information right away, but maybe I’m being a bit hypocritical here as I don't see why he would have the same reservations.

My issue is that his reason for not mentioning it wasn’t about taking time to feel comfortable—it was simply that it “never came up.” However, we had discussions about whether we want kids, how many, etc., so it feels like he was being somewhat dishonest. If he had said he wanted to wait until he was ready to share, I would have been more understanding. What I’m struggling with is that he didn’t bring it up at all—I had to ask. So now I’m wondering, when would he have actually told me if I hadn’t directly asked?

He didn’t mention his child during conversation about family and children, even though it was casual. I’d be wondering if that was a regular occurrence. I had a friend who always used ‘you didn’t ask’ if they’d kept something quiet and got found out. I think it’s a form of lying.

From what I’ve been told, the child is of primary school age, he has a good coparenting relationship with the child’s mother and has regular contact with the child

He has reassured me in the sense that if I have any questions about his situation then he’s happy to answer but I still feel a bit deceived. Maybe having kids is more of a dealbreaker to me than I actually thought it was

Please trust me. Run.

He should have been upfront.

Now you know I'd honestly call it quits. Speaking as someone who is a step parent if I had my time over again it's not something I'd ever choose again. And that is a sentiment shared by 99.99% of step parents I know.

Its mainly shit, thankless and a lot of effort for not much back.

Another key reason why I'm considering not moving forward with him..., more so than him actually having a child

OK in the context of your update, I now get why you'd assume he didn't already have a child. It seems odd to not mention it when you're discussing whether or not you want kids. At this stage I'd probably just tell him you don't want to progress things.

I agree with you. I would not want to date a man who had children unless, perhaps, we were older and all our children were grown up and had left home.

Going on a date with a man who turned out to have children would be a complete waste of my time.

But if you put on your dating profile that you're not interested in dating anyone who has kids, it might come across like you don't want kids and be off-putting to potential matches who don't have kids but want them.

I feel like dating apps should ask people to state on their profile whether they have kids (yes/no) and whether they want kids (yes/no/don't know) so potential matches can filter on that basis.

Not telling something important is as bad as lying IMO. Chuck him back before you find out what else he isn’t telling you.

It's absolutely fine if this is a total deal breaker for you.

I always knew I wanted kids and I wanted to have them with someone who was also doing it for the first time and didn't have divided loyalties.

I don't really care if that makes it more difficult for men with kids to find partners. It's not my problem. I'm sure someone else will date them.

He sounds dreadful. Not having told you is a deceit.
His reasoning that you hasn't asked is bollocks.

I don't think it's that odd not to proactively mention a child in the pre-dating phase. EXCEPT, in the context of discussing longer term family plans then of course it should hav ebeen mentioned. So there is definitely some dishonesty there. I'm not single but if I was and I was chatting with a potential partner and he asked me if I wanted kids in due course, surely the natural response would be to mention the kid you have at that point? So on that basis, I'd be uncomfortable.

what is "regular contact" with the child? DD and I were chatting this morning about the difference between two of her friends' and their respective father. Friend 1's dad is fully involved and DD is as likely to do a playdate at his house as at mum's, ditto friend is as likely to be dropped off/collected from ours by her father. Friend 2 on the other hand spends 1 night every other weekend with her dad and DD wouldn't recognise the dad if he was standing in front of her - he certainly doesn't facilitate play dates, parties etc and is barely around for his DD in terms of time spent together.

You are being hypocritical yeah, there are evil women as well as evil men.

I also wouldn’t read too much into his reason why not, if it was me I probably wouldn’t explicitly say “I didn’t tell you incase you were a paedophile”.

You can stop seeing him for any reason but I don’t think telling someone about your child on a first date is awful.

I would be ok with a person not mentioning kids on their profile but then mentioning this on a first date if it goes well. Otherwise it’s a deception as it’s an important information for the relationship.
His reasoning is even worse, it’s gaslighting pure and simple. I wouldn’t trust him as he sounded very manipulative.