He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

But it wasn’t the first contact or discussion. It was the first face to face meet up but they had already decided done some preliminary sounding out.

I really don’t get how dismissive so many posters are about the existence of a child in the mix. To me the existence of a child puts the whole relationship on a different footing. It needs to be disclosed early on, and freely. Because it will (or could) affect everything in a serious relationship from finances to family size to where you can live.

It sounds like to you had to work hard to extract the information and then he twists it to make it your fault? Nope, not a chance I'd want to see him again.

What I think is most batshit is having a conversation about how many kids you would like to have with a complete stranger you haven't even met face to face yet?

I still agree that if having children was a complete end deal for you, surely the thing to ask when children are mentioned is whether he does have any already!

The whole thing is weird. Next time make sure to ask on first contact so not to waste your time!

How is this OP’s fault?

Deceit by omission.

This reminds me of my friend who dated a man, via OLD, and it turned out he’d served 5 years in prison. And he’d never mentioned it, because she never asked if he’d been in prison…

It was the first meeting. They could have met no spark then why would it be important to know. I don't agree with the view of disclosure of my children well into dating as in when going exclusive.

The op sounds like she thinks a first date is proper dating it isn't.,🤷‍♀️

But there could be a spark but him having a child is not what she’s looking for.

I can’t see why you can’t understand that it’s lying by omission and potentially wasting someone’s time.

If I didn’t find out til the 3/4/5 date someone had a child they’d not mentioned, I’d be furious and I’d walk out

Well the reality protection of my children is more important than anything 🤷‍♀️ so no parent I know tells anyone until they are going to date. I have never had any issue.

We are talking a first date not 5 dates in!

My dating profile includes the tick in the box that says I have children. I don't expand beyond that on the profile itself but it's one of the first questions I ask any matches.
I think it's completely reasonable to decline to date someone who has children (my preference would be someone with similar age children to mine but then you get the minefield of schedule clashes). As my children get older I would be reluctant to date someone with young children as I'll be looking forward to having more free time and maybe looking to spend that with someone.
So a long winded way of saying I think parenting status should be on profiles.
Oh and if a guy has children but isn't actually parenting them at all that would be a very hard no for me!

He isn’t “protecting “ his child—who does not even live witth him full time as OP is not getting avc ss to his child before he permits it. He is denying OP important information about himself. That is deceptive.

@pikkumyy77 well I see it as doing so. If you have his new then his child could be on his social media.

I would do the same as he did so what. It isn't mandatory to share any information on a bloody first date .agree to disagree
🤷‍♀️

Agree with you. It’s deceiving someone in the same way someone tells you they’re 6 fat when they’re 5’9 or knocks 5 years off their age. They know that if they told the truth, they might not get as many dates.

I don’t buy the argument they’re protecting their kids by denying their existence. It’s lying pure and simple.

I don’t date liars. By being dishonest they’re absolute time wasters.

I don't like 'it never came up' as a defence for keeping quiet about something so huge and so relevant to any future relationship you may have. Also 'you should have asked if you were that bothered'. He seems to have a default position of keeping his cards close to his chest and batting away anyone who approaches.
Do you want a relationship with a partner like this? You won't find out how things are between him and his child or any details about his relationship with the child's mother unless you ask exactly the right questions.

Nah. He’s evasive - you don’t message for a month and just happen not to mention something as major as having a child.

And then when you called this omission into question, you got bad vibes from his response.

So lying and defensiveness, two poor character traits, are evident already and you’re only on your first date? No way. Don’t waste your time.

You discussed family and kids but he says it ‘never came up’? He should be absolutely gushing about his amazing child tbh. Throw this one back!

I can understand not mentioning it in the profile or the first date. Even the second but by the third it's weird not to say it.

Ignore my previous I thought you meant he's actually not mentioned it on real dates. I dont think he did anything wrong, he told you when you met him face to face and tbh I'm surprised you didn't ask him directly sooner - it's one of the first questions I'd ask anyone I was thinking of dating.

The problem is that Paedophiles would hone in on that section.

Move on with your life before it's too late.

Otherwise you'll regret staying.