He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

Defensiveness is a huge red flag

I don't think it's that odd not to proactively mention a child in the pre-dating phase

I honestly disagree so much. Imo it's one of the first things that should be mentioned.

A child is surely one of the biggest impacts on a person's life and therefore that of any potential future partners too that it should be mentioned upfront.

Having a partner who has a child doesn't just affect their life, it affects yours as well in lots of ways (lots of them pretty negatively). Lots of people don't want to date someone who has a child for valid reasons so it would be a complete waste of time to spend time chatting to someone just to find out later that they have a child already.

It wouldn't have bothered me not to mention children before the first date because there are mixed reviews on whether that's a good idea due to safety reasons, but his reasoning being 'well, you didn't ask' seems very off because it wasn't for safety reasons then was it?

Only time a guy said to me 'well, you didn't ask' was when I then found out he had a girlfriend!! I mean wtf, sometimes it's up to YOU to share important info.

You're not wrong to think it's deal breaker, he should of been upfront. I'd wonder if he really did have a good relationship with the child, it's not something you can easily hide , not only wanting to talk about them but the practical aspect of arranging dates around parenting, or regular contact may mean he doesn't see the child often, but just asks about them! not a good choice of a man anyway.

See I really disagree with this, there are unfortunately lots of awful people out there who would specifically target those with children, to get close to that child.

I would far rather waste a little bit of time by bringing up my child later on once I have more of a feel for who that person is than advertising the fact I have a child immediately and potentially putting my daughter at risk.

I agree that it’s not a good idea to advertise you have a child in your profile. But not mentioning a child before a date and then gaslighting you into believing it’s your fault for not asking?

Throw this one back OP. If he’d been honest and said it was hard to get dates if he tells women he had a child so he omitted that information then it would be iffy but possibly forgivable. But the gaslighting on top? Hell no

If you'd gone straight to dating it would be ok, but to chat for a month and not mention your child seems a bit underhand to me. If you don't want to date men with DC that's your privilage Op , he may not like it but you are allowed to set your own boundaries.

Presumably you’re dating males though? The risk is much much lower with women.

Do you rule out dating people you meet in real life? So people that know you and know you have a child are all out ?

I don't disclose until first date, why would I? My privacy and my children's safety is paramount.

I think not mentioning his child shows you he doesn't list his child high up in his priortise. That in itself tells you the kind of person he is.

He mentioned it on the first date so I don't think it's too bad. It would have been another if you'd gone out for a month and he didn't mention it cause "you never asked".

I’m not dating, I’m married, if I was dating it would be men but as I’ve said, there are evil women just as there are evil men. Women aren’t automatically all safe just because they have a vagina.

And the big difference with dating someone you know in real life is exactly that, you KNOW them in real life. Maybe you’ve worked with them for a few years, or socialised with them for a few years, maybe you have mutual friends or families who know each other. There’s always a risk of course, but that risk is much lower when you already know the person, their family, friends etc than someone you’ve “met” online and haven’t even met in person at all yet. I just don’t think I would be telling someone I ONLY know online about my child, I have absolutely no idea if they even are the person in their pictures at that point.

I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront

Maybe he was defensive because it sounds as if you badgered him quite a bit over it.

See I really disagree with this, there are unfortunately lots of awful people out there who would specifically target those with children, to get close to that child

I understand this but no one is suggesting you slap it on your profile or have a picture of your child on there.

But if you are spending time talking with someone privately with a view of potentially dating them I think they have a right to know you have a child. It's a deal breaker for a lot of people.

And it's also one of those things that can mean you're totally incompatible with someone/ their life I.e. one person likes travelling, socialising a lot blah blah. It's probably pointless them talking to a single mother who has her kid every day of the week.

Just a waste of time for everyone involved if it's not mentioned when you're talking. Surely the whole point of talking before dating is to find out if this is someone you could potentially be with?

Actually no, they don’t have a right to know about a child if all you’ve done is exchange messages online.

As I say until you’ve met in person you don’t even know if they are who they say they are.

Bringing it up on first date is fine, at least then you know the person is who they say they are and then worst case scenario it’s a deal breaker and there’s never a second date.

And again, just mentioning "a child" is not the same as saying my child's name is Fred, he goes to St John's primary school, here's a picture of him and our address is blah blah blah.

You can mention the fact you have a child when you're talking with someone with the view of potentially dating them without putting your child in harms way.

I would have said that mentioning his child for the first time on the first date is fine, except for the bit about how you were talking about whether you want children and he didn't mention it then. That seems a bit weird. It's clearly key information for that discussion!

You say you wouldn't have matched with him if you'd known but he doesn't have to advertise that he has a child on his profile. If you'd asked him the question and he'd lied absolutely different matter. If it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker though, ask straight out next time if so

I don't think she's being hypocritical. There are evil women but let's be realistic about statistics, men are far more likely to be predators than women. It's not hypocritical to look at facts.

Did the site asked about children and he responded none, or did he just not mentioned it?

If the former, he lied, and that's a concerning trait.

If the former though, I agree with him. Did he ask you? I assume not. I think nobody is wrong, you now know and it's not like you found out too late.

Not really. I mean they're not going to go on the date wearing an "I'm a sexual predator" t-shirt. Plenty of people are married to paedos for years without realising. You know not much more about them after one date than after chatting online. You also don't know they are who they say they are unless you're literally asking for photo ID.

Online dating is transactional AF but one of the only upsides is that you can avoid wasting time by setting out your NNs upfront.

But it’s naive to think that statistics provide the full picture. There has been lots of research and studies done over the years which suggests that those children who are abused by a woman, especially if the child is a boy, are less likely to come forward as there is more shame and stigma attached. Some of the comments on here would support that, “she’s safe because she’s a woman, she wouldn’t have done that” type thing- that’s the attitude of lots of people as you’ve shown yourself here, so it’s underreported.

When you actually look at the stats, 2015-2019 the number of this type of case averaged to about 40 per week. That’s still a big number.

There are risks with everything, and assessing risk is part of life, when there are children involved that’s the job of a parent and if disclosing the existence of a child on a first date rather than over messages with who knows who beforehand reduces that risk then that’s okay.

No of course they’re not, but you don’t even know if the face matches the name or age given before you meet.

Anyone can set up a dating profile under any name, any age, with any photos. Catfish have literally made a show out of it and it’s so common they’ve been running for years now.

There’s always a risk as I say, minimising that risk as much as possible or as much as someone is comfortable with is okay.

This! It's the defensiveness and flippant ness of it all I'm struggling to move past really.

I can empathise with a parent out in the dating scene being a little protective of this information which was the vibe I was getting from him but that's not what he actually said, instead I got it's your fault for not asking earlier ... that is concerning