He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

"You didn't ask" seems a poor excuse to me. Should you be asking if he takes drugs, or drinks too much or has gambling debts so he can't say "you didn't ask" later on?

As a stepparent of 12 years, chuck this one back. You don’t need to make your life hard, I just wish I hadn’t

I don't think he's done anything wrong really, fair enough to want to have a couple of dates with someone before mentioning a child.
But also you wouldn't be doing anything wrong if you decided it wasn't for you and called it a day. Being in a relationship with someone who has a child isn't something to get in to lightly.

I once had a guy match with me, then said to me he couldn't continue talking. He openly told me he had sexual attraction to children, and whilst he'd never acted on it he goes to lengths to protect himself and children from it. That's the difference between paedophilia and child molestation.

So anyway, since then, I've been VERY careful about what I say and when. I've always needed to know enough about someone before meeting; but now I make sure I have certain information before giving information about my family situation. Then I get more of a feel for them before I meet.

It may be that he's wary like me. Or he could be very worried it will rule him out as being eligible. Very silly of him, as it is important to have a motivated person in your child's life and not someone who begrudges them (if I was childless I would not date someone with children).

I would never put the fact I gave a child on an old profile.

I would, however, tell anyone I was chatting to with a view to meet up that I have a child. If the conversation was going well and it looked like we would go on a date.

It's fundamental.

And there is absolutely no way I would or could have conversations about whether I wanted kids, how many and what my Christmas plans are ...without mentioning that I already have a child, and that Christmas plans will include my child..

There were numerous occasions where it was natural for him to mention it. The fact that he didn't means he chose to omit it.

He chose to omit it because he wanted to get to the dating stage, and he was ok with being deceptive (by omission) to get to it.

If someone is prepared to lie by omission about major things and then use technicalities (and throwing responsibility back into the other person) when they are challenged about lying about major things ....they are not looking like good partner material.

I was going to say I think you can guess why his relationship with his mum's child didn't work out. Now we find out he left her before the child was even a year.

Now he's happy to essentially lie by omission about the existence of his little child, if it gets him more dates and "better" opportunities. That's quite callous.

But he hadn't met you yet so he may have not wanted to go into such detail or tell you. And by 'challenging' him and questioning him on why he felt 'it wasn't appropriate or relevant to bring up', then you are insinuating that he is in the wrong, and maybe he doesn't feel as if he was in the wrong – it's his personal information after all.

For what it's worth, I would always advise someone to be up front about whether they have kids or not from the outset when dating, and I would prefer to also be told from the very outset – but that's me and I know not everyone agrees with that or thinks it is necessary, especially before you've actually met.

I'm not saying I wouldn't feel the same as you, but it maybe seems like you've inadvertently had a go at him for something that is not actually 'wrong'.

How did it come up? Did he tell you? Or did you ask him a relevant question?

I think if he volunteered the information it's maybe forgivable to not put on a dating profile but tell someone on the first date. You say yourself you would have refused a date if you'd known. (Which is absolutely your perogative). But if you still like this guy enough that you're considering a second date... well maybe it was a reasonable punt on his part.

Oh - sorry - didn't read the thread. Yeh he sounds dishonest. Walk away if that's your inclination.

The last 2 paragraphs would have been acceptable explanations to me. However, I did not receive that

A few posters here seem to have missed (?) the fact that he and the op had conversations about whether they wanted kids and how many.

One would have thought you might mention the fact that you already have one during those conversations!!!

The advice I see on here is to not mention you have kids until you meet, in order to avoid attracting paedophiles. Probably not something men dating women have to think about as much.

"But he hadn't met you yet so he may have not wanted to go into such detail or tell you. And by 'challenging' him and questioning him on why he felt 'it wasn't appropriate or relevant to bring up', then you are insinuating that he is in the wrong, and maybe he doesn't feel as if he was in the wrong – it's his personal information after all.

For what it's worth, I would always advise someone to be up front about whether they have kids or not from the outset when dating, and I would prefer to also be told from the very outset – but that's me and I know not everyone agrees with that or thinks it is necessary, especially before you've actually met.

I'm not saying I wouldn't feel the same as you, but it maybe seems like you've inadvertently had a go at him for something that is not actually 'wrong'."

I'm sure he felt judged by me in the process (largely because I felt blind sighted) which is why I wrote in aibu to get different perspectives. Thank you to all who have commented so far

It is the part where he says "it hasnt come up" when you have had a conversation about families and kids that bothers me. Generally I can't be bothered with people who are techncially not lying but are leaving out information then pretend they don't realise that would be something you would like to know.

Had he said "yeah, sorry i havent mentioned it, wasnt sure how to so have been avoiding conversation at this esrly stage in relationship" i would be less bothered.

It sounds to me that your gut is telling you this is off. If it doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t. Don’t ignore your sense that is there to protect you. Too many women end up in crap relationships because they miss the seemingly small red flags early on.

He was that one that even brought this conversation up ... he asked me

Apologies was meant to quote this post

He was that one that even brought this conversation up ... he asked me, and I returned the question, but yet no mention of his child

Op, take it from someone who experienced the extreme end of this when younger; you don't ever want to associate with people who can act like their kids don't exist when it suits them, for personal gain.

He had every natural opportunity to tell you he has a child.
Several times; when anyone with a child would naturally have mentioned it.

He purposefully omitted to tell you.

He thought he'd leave it out til you were on the hook for the first date. He thought if he got you as far as dating, you might be invested.

His strategy might work with some women. Look at some of the responses here. Look at how you're second guessing yourself.

He's a shit though.

He's wasted a month of your time. I hope you've not been chatting to only him.

I'm not defending the guy, just responding to the idea that he should have put it on his profile. I'm amazed how many people on here have said they would expect it to be on there- this is really basic OLD safety.

It's a form of lying.

He seriously expects you to ask him outright about EVERYTHING instead of being able to trust him to volunteer important information?

If you continue with him, you'd literally have to ask him directly about every red flag / important consideration you can think of as you can't rely on him to disclose it..

Have you ever been to prison?
Is there any possibility you could have an STI?
Do any of your ex-partners have a restraining order against you?

It's a never ending list because he'll just use the 'get-out' of 'Well you didn't ask me..'

The dating sites should probably set it up so that you can say that you have kids and their ages but it's private information (not on your profile) but it then avoids matching you with people that say they are "not interested in anyone with kids/ dependent kids".

Already too complicated. Throw this one back.

(also people wouldn’t need to worry about their child’s safety in these circumstances if they’d stop introducing random men into their lives…)

If it happens again op do a tinkly laugh and say oh glad I'm not the only one, I've got 5 of my own and see their face turn white.

To be perfectly honest why is that an issue? It's a first date. We as parents who may date are advised not to disclose you have children.

This was a first meeting not a shall we be a couple meet up down the line.

Personally I respect parents who do this.

Never married. He left before the child turned 1 which by itself is a red flag for me (I'm sure the mother of his child did not set out to be a single mother). Some may consider it judgemental of me but I have strong sense of self preservation and I'd worry about what would I be getting myself in to should I have a child with him
Waouh, talk about jumping to conclusion being incredibly judgemental. Maybe that's why he prefers to take his time before divulging he has a child. Because he's already had that sort of biased attitude.

Personally I think you'll do him a favour ending it now with this sort of unfunded comment.

End it OP. End it because of the lying. End it because you don’t want to be a stepmum. Blended families are hard work.