He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

I can dig deeper to find out more and how much or little he's involved will let me know whether this is a man I'd want to be with. But at this stage I'm not even sure if I care to know. It will make little difference as I'm not sure if I want to continue seeing him

his response was that it “never came up”

I call bullshit on that response. I can't imagine talking to a man for a month and he doesn't mention he has a child even in passing. Either he is a shit Dad or he deliberately didn't tell you as he knows it puts some women off.

I date men with children sometimes and the first thing I say to them is "I am more interested in you being a good parent to your child than a good partner to me".

I am only interested in the kind of man who would automatically, immediately, share about his child - not their name/identifying info, but what they are like, what they love, what their and his hopes are, what he is proud of, how they're worried about school or blah blah and how he's helping, a funny thing they said the other day...

A man who doesn't have that level of focus on his child as a huge, core part of his life is a dodgy, disappointing man. He will have disappointed at least one woman and one child already. Before you have children you can't quite appreciate the level of shoddiness it takes to put your children anywhere other than at the very heart of your life and attention.

Don't let him disappoint you.

However, we had discussions about whether we want kids, how many, etc., so it feels like he was being somewhat dishonest

He was.

That's lying by omission.

He should have said.

If wasn't up you you to ask.

He's being totally unreasonable & disengenuous in saying that.

It's a basic, very important thing.

And you even talked about kids....the exact time when he would have and should have naturally said he has one! You naturally assumed he didn't have any ... because he didn't say he had any, whey you were taking about whether you'd like kids and jow many.

I'd bail on this one - because he's dishonest and disengenuous.

I wouldn't date a man with children. He didn't mention it for a reason.

There’s no blaming involved you don’t want a man with a child end of

He may see it that way. But I don't think I was badgering him. I was though challenging him on his explanation that it simply did not come up - because that is a lie (I didn't say it in this way though). I simply brought up the times when we spoke about family, kids, what our plans were for the weekend, what we we up to, even on the date itself we spoke about Christmas plans and he made no mentioned of kids. I simply told him that in any of those conversation, you didn't feel it wasn't appropriate or relevant to bring up?

His explanation was not making sense to me. If he had said that he had reservations about telling me earlier on because of XYZ, I still would have preferred to have known earlier but at least it would have made sense to me

Given your discussion about wanting kids or not it's absolutely unacceptable not to mention his own child
The only explanations is he tried to intentionally deceive you or that his child is so insignificant to his life that it didn't factor to tell you- either one of these are red flags so my advice is to run

This.
I'm not "dating" anyone anymore, but if I did, that would definitely be a deal-breaker.

I really don't see how the op "badgered" this man about having a child.

He failed to mention he has one during a month of chatting.

They even discussed whether they'd like kids and how many FFS.
You wouldn't mention you already have one during that discussion?!

He lied by omission.

"You didn't ask" is bullshit.

He clearly thinks he's gets more opportunities with more women (and probably younger women) if he lies by omission about having a child. He thinks he's going to reel them in and they'll be invested enough after a while not to walk off when he reveals he has a child .... Whereas he thinks he wouldn't get the month of chatting and get to the first date with some women if he's honest.

Prepared to lie by omission about very important things to get what you want .... Is never a good baseline for a potential partner.

I had a man knock a few years of his age because he thought I'd be more likely to date him ......I got involved with him. I can tell you it was just an indication of a great deal of dishonesty, immaturity and dysfunction throughout the relationship.

I also find the lying by omission about his child to be very disrespectful to the child and his role as their father. Cold.
Most devoted fathers couldn't go one conversation without mentioning their child, let alone a month of them. And he can BS all he wants but he lied when you were discussing kids and he omitted to mention the slightly relevant fact that he already has one.

How old is the kid? I think if it's young and it's a huge dominating part of this life he should have mentioned it, but if the kids is older & doesn't affect him greatly / is not that involved in his day to day I can see why it was 'forgotten' about to mention early on.

Op, you are completely and utterly in the right here.

Don't let the usual MN contrary, argue black is white posters who crop up to make you doubt that.

He absolutely, 100% should have told you he has a child during the month of chatting. It is completely unnatural and unreasonable that he didn't.
You even discussed wanting children and how many.

It was not your responsibility to explicitly question him when he didn't tell you he has a child during all that communication - including about wanting kids, Christmas plans etc.

His response is BS. He's been caught out lying (by omission if we want to be picky) and he responded with a BS counter argument.
His argument is nonsense.

He's wasted a month of your (and his own).time but no doubt he'll keep on lying to women online if he thinks he'll get what he wants out of it.

I had the same thing once, lots of messages back and forth for over a couple weeks about our hobbies/life etc then we went on a date - all fine and good arranged to see eachother the next week. I looked him up on facebook after the date and there he was with his young daughter.

I asked him about it and when he was thinking of telling me (I'd told him in conversations before the date I had no interest in having children) he said 'you didnt ask'. Absolute waste of my time. I get people not putting it in their profile but withholding the information (which in my view is very important information) is wrong.

Get rid OP.

"Throw this one back OP. If he’d been honest and said it was hard to get dates if he tells women he had a child so he omitted that information then it would be iffy but possibly forgivable. But the gaslighting on top? Hell no"

This is what it comes down to for me .. the gaslighting aspect of it.

For the women on the app, if you you were being challenged about why you hadn't said anything earlier, and maybe felt backed into the corner, does this sound like a response you might have given?

I struggle with the idea that this might be a re-occurring theme should I continue to see him. I guess I won't truly know unless I continue to date him

Don't want to give too many details but the child is in infant school

He's done this on purpose. Probably because he thought it was a dealbreaker for you, which is a red flag itself.

Don't waste anymore time on him. Block him.

He only admitted it when directly asked though.

Run

First he omitted the fact he had a child. Possibly forgivable, depending on why. The fact that he then blamed you for not asking is appalling. On a first date as well. Get rid immediately. Wonder what else he blamed his ex wife for. Perhaps she didn’t explicitly ask him not to cheat on her, so therefore it was ok. His turn of phrase absolutely stinks and it’s pretty obvious he isn’t nice.

Of course he should have told you. It's a huge part of his life, probably the biggest and most important thing. The conversation about having kids was the time to say something so it's pretty obvious he was deliberately withholding the info. From his perspective I do understand, people are put off at the thought of step parenting but that doesn't alter the fact that he basically deceived you. The onus was definitely not on you to ask! I would not progress this relationship based on the deceit.

Why do you feel deceived? Because you were!

The ‘you should have asked’ comment when there had been a clear opportunity to disclose the information would have my hackles up. You weren’t remiss here, he was.

Sounds like the type of man that when youa sk him to do something like get some shopping will bring it home and not put the freezer stuff away because

" you didn't tell me to do that, I went and got your shopping didn't I, I did as you asked. "

You don't need to justify not seeing him again, he was off with you, he's already got your hackles up, block and delete, move on.

Never married. He left before the child turned 1 which by itself is a red flag for me (I'm sure the mother of his child did not set out to be a single mother). Some may consider it judgemental of me but I have strong sense of self preservation and I'd worry about what would I be getting myself in to should I have a child with him

Ah well, this little gem of information really tips the balance. No, just no. Walk away hun.

He should have said he had a child.

Whether you continue with the relationship depends on what you are looking for. If you just want some fun, the child will make no difference. If you are wanting to settle down with him, it will.

Parents are often advised not to put the fact they have a child on their profile to avoid attracting predators- less of an issue for a man looking to date women but still a sensible thing to do IMO. So this wouldn't bother me at all.

However, blaming you for not having asked- not good.

It's been one date so I'd just move on. No point pursuing this one if it doesn't feel right.