He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

Maybe so, I totally accept that. But isn't it better for all involved to disclose early so those who aren't particularly keen on dating me with kids can rule themselves out?

Unfounded.

And she's entirely right to think she was she does.

Oh op that was such a load of drivel.

You don't have to acknowledge it.

He's gaslighting you already. That's all you need to know.

Of course it's drivel. Can you imagine a man on a date with a single mum of a baby assuming that she must be so because she had a child behind the guy's back and that's why he left her?

For God sake, why can't we just get to know people for who they are rather than jumping to stereotypical sexist judgemental crap.

That's the exact reason why people hold on to personal information. So that they don't get judged that quickly.

The guy might have wanted to meet a woman and take things very slowly. Not looking for a future wife step mum to his kid. If indeed, things has developed to wanting to date exclusively, fair enough, but a first date!

Typical MN sexist attitude once again!

In beginning to insert why so many of my male friends are single. They literally cant win🤦‍♀️.

In your scenario a friend who is a widower wouldn't disclose until he had a date or two and decided he wanted to date.

You appear to have a very different idea of what a first or even second meeting is for.

This is why I wouldn't have a second date. It's not on you to ask.

Yeah, regardless of the kid, he sounds not great.

It’s not because he had a kid, it’s not because he didn’t disclose he had a kid. It’s because when he admitted it, he told the OP that it was her fault as she hadn’t asked.

But he didn’t volunteer the information on the first date either. He was directly asked.

I don't think the two are comparable.

If he asked me whether I'd like to get married one day, and I said yes and I returned the question to him and he also yes but never mentioned he had been married before - I'd feel a little confused, but nonetheless more understanding and it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. Ultimately dating someone with kids is very different to dating someone who had been widowed.

To be perfectly honest why is that an issue? It's a first date. We as parents who may date are advised not to disclose you have children.

I don't understand this tbh. I don't want to date anyone with a child or children. To withold that information until some point down the line is therefore a waste of time for both parties. Seems counterproductive.

Must we play “poor poor menz?”

The situation of men and women dating on OLD is not, and never will be, symmetrical or equal. Men are afraid women
will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them.

If you are dating with a view to permanency then your interests in family formation must be explored fairly early on because (again!) female life histories snd biological realities potentially impose a different timeline than male ones with respect to family formation.

That doesn’t mean all women want kids snd no men do—there are plenty of men who want to spread their seed far snd wide. Elon Musk is one. And there are many women who don’t want to have children. But those choices or preferences definitely come up early in the dating process because Elon doesn’t want to waste time with someone who won’t pup out a kid for him and the woman might want to avoid him for obvious reasons.

Mr”I have a kid but don’t want to talk about it” isn’t worried that Op is a sexual predator (fir fuck’s sake this is massively historically and culturally unlikely no matter what PP think) —he is worried he won’t get his leg over if she finds out he has prior commitments of an undefined nature.

I'm curious as to what you think the first or second meeting is for?

From my perspective, there would be no point of even a first with someone I met off a dating app if I'm not interested in dating men with kids

If he asked me whether I'd like to get married one day, and I said yes and I returned the question to him and he also yes but never mentioned he had been married before
How ironic, that's exactly what happened with my husband! We talked on the phone for hours, been on three dates, and it's actually when we were in bed, cuddling after the act that I asked him how come he had never married before and he said 'oh but I was'.

And you know what, there was no massive back story, no avoiding to mention it because he had an agenda, no secret, or history of drama! He just didn't feel it was relevant to getting to know.

Thankfully I didn't judge him there and there for being a liar, imagining the worse and told him it was over. We've been together 15 years, married 12 and he is the most honest person I know.

Men don't owe women they just meet to tell them everything about them just because that's what they want. He didn't want to mention his child before. He did when you met face to face on your 1st date. Bad bad man, he must be!

What else should we come up with on a first date? Maybe my OH should have mentioned that his father suffered with bipolar and killed himself? After all, it could have had a serious impact on me if things got serious and I should have had the option to run away first!

Get real! We are all entitled to our privacy when we first meet people.

You obviously chose to quote the first part of my message. Interesting ...

From my perspective, there would be no point of even a first with someone I met off a dating app if I'm not interested in dating men with kids
Then YOU take responsibility for that choice, and either put it in your info and/or ask right away.

Again, it would be like a man being pissed off with a woman he talked to a few times on the phone and moaned because she didn't tell him that at 30 she had gone through early menopause and couldn't have children when he wants them. Did she owe him to tell him about her menopause when they discussed children?

*You obviously chose to quote the first part of my message. Interesting"
I picked it because that part relates to my personal experience where thankfully I had the wisdom to not judge do quickly.

I have given my view overall in my other posts. There is nothing interesting in the fact that this time, I quoted one part of your post 🙄

You really can’t think of any privacy, or safety, concerns with not immediately telling a virtual stranger that you have a child? You really can’t imagine that there are awful people out there who would target those they know have children?

There’s more than just two parties involved in that decision, that’s exactly the point. Parents make risk assessments for their kids, family and privacy all of the time. This is that in practice.

He should have maybe told you when chatting in private messages, but I wouldn't mention my child on a public dating profile for safeguarding reasons. I don't think anyone should.

He’s basically lied by omission especially as you chatted for several weeks before meeting so he’s had plenty of opportunity to mention it.

It would be dealbreaker for me for two reasons - firstly because I don’t want to dare anyone with school age kids and secondly because I feel he’s been deliberately dishonest.

I can, but I still wouldn't appreciate my time wasted. It is a waste of time for the parent, too, unless they talked about the child right away, and we would have saved time and expense going on the date.

Maybe, but as a parent, if I was dating, I’d far rather waste a bit of my time than do anything at all that could remotely put my child at risk.

There's some shite bring posted in this thread.

Typical for Aibu.

The op and he discussed wanting kids and how many and he omitted to mention he already has a child!

They discussed Christmas plans and he answered while omitting to mention he had a child eol he's presumably spending some time with.(And if he's not spending time with them, why exactly not??)

They were chatting for a month and planning the first date.

It would have been natural to mention his child again those points. In fact it's unnatural not to have.

The opm drew the very reasonable assumption from that that he doesn't have any kids.
It wasn't up to her to ask explicitly, when he chose not the telly her at very obvious times.

And I seriously doubt he omitted to mention it did to any safety concerns.aboiut a young woman who may or may not ever meet his child.

He should have volunteered the information on the first date, if not before- when they were chatting seriously. Obviously don’t advertise it on the old profile, but omission of this information at this point is potentially time wasting for the other person.