He has a child

[momoomood]

I recently went on a first date with a guy I’ve been talking to for over a month, after meeting on a dating app. During the date, I found out he has a child, which was a complete surprise to me. It wasn’t mentioned on his profile, nor had it come up in any of our conversations up to that point, even though we casually discussed family and kids. I found out when I asked him directly, and his response was that it “never came up” and that he wasn’t hiding anything. When I pushed for more clarity on why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, especially since we’d talked about kids, he said that if it was a dealbreaker for me, I should’ve asked sooner.

To be honest, I likely wouldn’t have matched with him if I knew he had a child. It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not my first choice either. While I understand that revealing something like this can be sensitive, I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront. I don’t have any children myself, so I’m wondering if other parents on here can relate to his perspective.

I’m torn between whether I should continue getting to know him, as it’s still early and I do like him, or if I should move on because his lack of transparency is making me uneasy. How would you handle this situation?

Absolutely move on.
He lied by ommission and then blamed you.
Twat.

Of course you would, and you should. I don't think (general) you should put information on the profile, but it should be shared before dates, IMO.

Again, it would be like a man being pissed off with a woman he talked to a few times on the phone and moaned because she didn't tell him that at 30 she had gone through early menopause and couldn't have children when he wants them. Did she owe him to tell him about her menopause when they discussed children?

That comparison does not work at all.

Not being able to gave your own children Vs already having a child. Decidedly different.

In any case, if two people were chatting with a view to dating and getting into a relationship...and they discussed having children and how many they would like..... and it was therefore clear that one person would like to have kids, as most people do., and the other person who knew they could never have children themselves, omitted to tell them; that would be also lying by omission about a deal breaker. That's one person allowing the other to continue to get to know each other with the intention of a potential romantic partnership, on false pretences.

I can understand why a women wouldn't disclose it due to being wary about predators. However, a they should disclose early on. A man should always be upfront about whether he has children - men who don't bring up their children tend to be manipulative. Most people are aware that children can be a deal breaker and will let a person know straight. People who try and manipulate you into dating them are generally deceptive people. It the equivalent of lying about your age.

This thread is batshit.

I’ve known women that have put ‘single parents are a dealbreaker’ on their dating profiles and still been lied to because certain single fathers think they’re owed the opportunity to date them.

I would move on and not look back, OP.

Yes she would? My dh’s family had some infertility. My SIL warned me to be prepared that if I wanted a family I should consider IVF or adoption * —if people want a family with their partner they also need to be aware of the possibilities and potential difficulties.

People who try and manipulate you into dating them are generally deceptive people.

Yep.

I also tsuspect it says a lot about how he views his child and himself as a father.

If be very interested to know the back ground of the breakup before the child was even a year.

Because people are entitled to not consider dating someone for whatever reason they like, even if you do consider it sexist and judgmental. Dating isn’t an equal opportunity endeavor that is required to be ‘fair’.

If someone doesn’t want to date him because he has a kid then that’s on him to suck up and accept. He isn’t owed dates by women that don’t want a relationship with a single father.

Precisely! At any rate the observation that it is thought provoking for a person to be dating again soon after a break up in which there is a small child isn’t obviously secist. People might look askance at anyone who chose to leave their child and partner furing their early, vulnerable , stage.if its “crazy ex” territory then surely he fought to have the child full time? If its “careless one night stand” territory that’s good information as well regardless of whether the sole parent is male or female.

Either he was deliberately deceitful or his child isn't important enough to him to mention. Neither is a good look.

I think its ok not to be on his profile - but he should have brought it up before you agreed to meet. How he reacted to your questions would be a red flag for me.

To see if there is basic mutual attraction. Not every relationship is long term.

Did you state in your profile no children?

In beginning to insert why so many of my male friends are single. They literally cant win🤦‍♀️.

Do your male friends have conversations with young women they're looking to date about whether they'd like kids and how many they'd like - while omitting to mention the slightly relevant fact that they already a child - too?

Do they have conversations with young women they're looking to date about their Christmas plans - and omit to mention they'll be spending some of it with their child - too?

(And if they're not spending any of it with their child. .... What does that tell you?)

If so, I'm not surprised they're single.

We are of an age that they aren't dating young women. We all agree we don't mention our child during first or second date 🤷‍♀️

I am assuming like me we don't reference their children until they are considering dating, hardly wildly out there.

One is single because his wife died the second two were cheated on. We are life long friends. Reading this and other threads the men hate by women wanting a man is scary. They are wonderful friends and I am sure they will meet lovely woman soon.

I know there's no way they would let any women meet their children until the relationship was at least a year or more in just like me. I fail to see the issue🤷‍♀️

We all agree we don't mention our child during first or second date 🤷‍♀️

Are you saying that if the conversation (over a month in this case) turns to the subject of children, as the op's did (or to the subject of what you're doing for Christmas); that you lie by omission about having a child/ren and you lie by omission about who you're spending Christmas with .... Because it's not the first or second date yet??

We are of an age that they aren't dating young women

Well that's very different from the op then, isn't it?

She's clearly reasonably young - to be having conversations about if she'd like kids and how many she'd like. She hasn't got kids yet and is at an age where that's probably common. She'd prefer not to date men with kids, she has none herself yet so that's perfectly reasonable.

So the relevance of your mates' behaviour, who aren't dating women her age, is somewhat sketchy?

Though as an older woman, I won’t date someone with school age kids so imo deliberately withholding that detail until a couple of dates in is lying by omission and wasting both of our time.

Reading this and other threads the men hate by women wanting a man is scary

There's no man hate in this thread.

He lied by omission to the the op about something very fundamental. A deal breaker for many people

There were at least two conversations over a month where it was entirely natural/relevant for him to mention he has a child. He chose not to.
He gave the op the very strong impression he, like her, has no kids yet.

He then gas lit/manipulated her/used technicalities on her when she was taken back at discovering his lie by omission .

He's not a very honest person.

He's a slippery, defiant, gas lighting, blame shifting person when someone discovers his lie (lie by omission if we want to be pedantic).

Pointing that out is not "man hate".

It's also not "man hate" to wonder what the deal is with someone who leaves their child's mother within less than a year.

That's called "using your brain", not "man hate".

I know there's no way they would let any women meet their children until the relationship was at least a year or more in just like me. I fail to see the issue🤷‍♀️

But this thread has nothing to do with how soon someone would let a gf/bf meet their child.

It's about the bf/gf knowing about the existence of their child.

And the fact that at least two or three conversations happened during which mentioning the existence of their child would have been entirely relevant and organic, but instead they said nothing; and gave the very strong impression that they don't have a child.

You really don’t see the issue of not even mentioning you have a child to someone you could potentially want to start a relationship with? You really don’t see how you’re potentially wasting both your time lying by omission?

@DamselinDistress24 if you don't tag I don't see your questions.

Plenty of people date a variety of ages. I fail to see your point negating mine
But different folks prefer different strokes.

I think the op was way too invested in a first meeting up to me that id ridiculous pressure in a date. This wasn't we were dating for three weeks it was literally the first time to meet.

My profile mentioned I had a teenager and a cat so that people could discount me for either reason from the off

I agree. He's sneaky and a liar by omission and that would be a red flag for me. I don't do liars.