To expect a courtesy email?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

So my husband has a spinal condition which means he often falls. This morning he fell up the stairs with two hot cups of coffee. He's OK but clearly shaken as am I. The walls are a disaster but that's not important!
At 6.59 I emailed the school where I have been teaching since September to explain the situation. I informed Head, Deputy Head (both non-teaching) and also my job share. I also called the school office as per policy. It's the first time I've been off at this new school.
It's now 9.19 and I've not even had an acknowledgement of my email or a quick "Are you OK" message.
AIBU to have expected one?
I know with absolute certainty my other previous schools would have checked in.

Your life is hard OP. You are combining care for your husband with all the anxiety that causes, with raising a child and trying to work in a new role in a tough job. And like most carers, you will be under recognised. Sounds as though what you want is for people to see how hard this is, and acknowledge it.
Unfortunately I think you're going about it in a counter productive way, because there's an element of the martyr coming through. You'll force yourself to teach despite vomiting. I'll be alright, I have to be... But unfortunately this yields no rewards. Because all that happens is people think, she can do it really, she just wants to moan, and think you're over egging the pudding for sympathy.
My advice to you is to speak out honestly about your situation and what you can and can't do. If you can't go in, you can't. It's not a case of I can't, but I'll have to, is it? Likewise if you can, then do.
Talk to your manager, for goodness sake, let them know you're a carer. I'm not saying you'll be able to keep your job come what may, but you'll at least maximise your employment protections.
Then talk to your DH. Tell him what you need from him to enable you to care for him alongside the other responsibilities in your life. He may want things to be 'normal', but they're not, and you have to live the life you have not the one you'd prefer.

Can you get an OT to do a home visit to make recommendations?

Excellent advice here. I also developed a spinal condition in my late 30s; it causes me to trip/fall quite a lot, and I can be a bit unsteady. It's shit, I get it. But, I live alone, and have had to make adaptations to my flat - I use the non-spill thermos mugs, and carry things around in a bag (where possible), so I have both hands free. I fell yesterday, and broke a glass picture frame, so had to clear up glass/a cut hand with glass in it. It's life.

I'd second that if your husband is so bad that you need to be there with him, it might be time to have a discussion about what help he needs through the care system. Otherwise, he needs to use adaptations in the house, and not do anything he struggles with, when he is alone.

Oh, and the email thing..... it's Monday morning. I would imagine they picked your email up when they logged in at 8/8.30(?), and were busy sorting cover, before they check in with you; and when they do check in, they will be keen to know how long you'll be off, given the knock on effect.
I hope all is ok.

@Nanny0gg Not.sure how this works with privately rented? Definitely don't want to p off the landlady!

@Nanny0gg Not.sure how this works with privately rented? Definitely don't want to p off the landlady!

If it's more adjustments to behaviour rather than the architecture of the house, does she even need to know? I think advice could be really useful. And also bring the issues home to him a bit.

Things like a stool in the shower aren't permanent and would be not something you'd need to tell her, for example.

But will he be cleaning up the walls? It isn’t acceptable for him to do things like this because he wants to be ‘normal’ when there is a high chance of an accident. He’s making more work for someone - probably you? At the least, he’ll need to use a flask if he’s insisting on carrying drinks upstairs.

At my school we have an auto reply for absence emails - though it doesn't always work. As a manager I might respond with a thumbs up if plans have been sent through or write thanks. But not for every absence - we are a big school.

You posted 28 comments on MN during the course of the morning. You weren't exactly spending the time tending to his needs.

Hi OP. This sounds very stressful sorry to hear it's affecting your MH. I'm also a Teacher. In this situation I would call in late and make sure the family member is ok then leave for work asap.

Sorry you've had some harsh replies. I agree that the school will be busy arranging cover and I wouldn't expect them to check in with you until later unless it was a more serious incident at home.

I hope you can get some rest after work 😃

This illustrates how much attitude from employers matters as much as rules. A bit of politeness, replying to an email, and concern, acknowledgment of the situation, would do wonders for the mental health and productivity of employees.
You sound at the end of your tether, obviously new job and child starting school have piled on extra stress but it might need to be a wake up call to your husband that he needs to accept some changes. Is he in any groups relating to his condition? If so that might be a source of both practical suggestions on adaptations and a way for him to connect.

There really are some horrible replies on this thread.

Why because some randoms on the internet are telling you off? What do they know?!

The school sound very much lacking in empathy OP. I hope you are feeling a bit better now, and that they do better at acting like they give a shit about you, their colleague, when you're there in person.

She didn't give them a chance.

She didn't actually speak to anyone that might be able to give some feedback or sympathy as emailed the relevant people then complained at 9.19 am when they were very likely busy with the start of the school day and planning how to cover OPs morning classes.

Then she emailed again to say she was going in.

And you took the time to count...!!!

Is that you Meghan??

(sorry just couldn't resist!)

Going forward I think your DH needs to be more considerate of you! Yes, it's tough to have to accept not being able to do some things but really, carrying 2 hot mugs of coffee upstairs is just madness!

I am sure you’re wishing you hadn’t posted on here, some of the replies my god I’m glad I don’t have such unkind people in my real life.

Hope all works out for you and your husband OP

I did. But I'm not the one saying it is unreasonable to expect me to go into work because I have my hands full at home.

Splashed wall-paper and someone else's fall (which did not cause injury) are not reasons to be off work. (Your e-mail might have puzzled the school.)

Throwing-up, diarrhea or even having trouble coping with your husband's serious and new health conditon would be understandable reasons for being absent. (An e-mail about these things would probably get a sympathetic response... once your lessons were covered.)

You are having a tough time OP - just as your DH is - and it would be good to get some support and advice that is just for you.

Time to sit down with dh and say you cannot continue like this. he needs to apply and get the help he needs.
If that means PA at home while you working get assessed with ss.
Is he getting PIP?
Get on housing list as disabled fircone level housing and look privately
He needs to sleep downstairs if he keeps falling. It is what it is.
Next time he could fall and injure bec ome even more disabled.

Speak to your GP for support for you. Speak together with gp for referrals to support ss etc
Get ss OT out to make assessment and adaptations list to take to landlord eg stair rails
Dh must stop carrying things !

I think if they knew what the situation was, you might have got an email, but they don't, so they probably just got on with arranging cover. You should probably tell them.

You say you haven't told your employer that your DH is disabled - so in all honesty, they're probably really confused as to why you apparently needed the day off to look after a grown man with no injuries.

If they knew about DH and his illness, I suspect they'd be more sympathetic and understanding about you needing some last-minute time off.

Unfortunately when someone is disabled it impacts the entire family and their employment - the best thing to do is to be honest, especially during probation when you have practically zero rights or protections.