To expect a courtesy email?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

So my husband has a spinal condition which means he often falls. This morning he fell up the stairs with two hot cups of coffee. He's OK but clearly shaken as am I. The walls are a disaster but that's not important!
At 6.59 I emailed the school where I have been teaching since September to explain the situation. I informed Head, Deputy Head (both non-teaching) and also my job share. I also called the school office as per policy. It's the first time I've been off at this new school.
It's now 9.19 and I've not even had an acknowledgement of my email or a quick "Are you OK" message.
AIBU to have expected one?
I know with absolute certainty my other previous schools would have checked in.

It must be really difficult for you both adjusting to this, and certainly for your husband dealing with internalised ableism that tells us if we just try hard enough we can be 'normal'. But he needs to get to grips with this rather than being in denial. You can get an assessment of home adaptations even if you rent and the assessment will take that into account - for example things can be provided that don't make structural changes or things that screw into a wall can be unscrewed with the holes filled and painted over when you move out. You could also consider trying to find a 3 bed flat, though I know a house move would be stressful at this time. Do try and get yourself some support too, eg a carers group - just feeling less alone can be incredibly powerful.

@AngryBookworm Thank you so much. We can't really risk "rocking the boat" with our landlady as tbh we are paying way under what we should be (£1,175 pm). If she put it up we simply couldn't afford it and there is literally nothing else in the local area. I rely on mum for childcare so can't move away 😞
Home from school at 6pm, quick dinner, off to Tesco white vinegar, now off to scrub!!!!

You sounded really stressed and flustered. Is it because of him, are you naturally anxious to the point of vomiting in stressful situations, does he and his condition make you so? Or a mix of everything?

Don't mean to be awful but your hubby really needs to accept his limitations. Everybody has them at any age even healthy people do. Not carrying cups of hot liquids up the stairs to avoid making you ton of work cleaning, stressing you out to the point of puking and potentially making you loose your job would be a start, unless of course he cleaned it all up after himself?

I have ME, arthritis and in March I broke my ankle very badly by missing two steps on the stairs carrying clothes downstairs so I know how dangerous stairs can be. I needed two surgeries and I was bed-bound for a few weeks. It all had a knock on effect on the rest of the family esp my hubby. Same might happen to you guys. How will you keep your job if your hubby will be in a plaster cast unable to shower or go to the toilet on his own? Even if he just injures himself in a way that he won't be able to do things for himself do you guys really need that? Or he prefers to go around pretending he is normal and he expects everyone to go with his delusion and the consequences when it goes tits up which it seems it did this morning.

On a practical level, if he does not accept things from you can you think of someone who could talk sense into him? Someone he trusts and listens to.

Sorry to be so blunt I mean it all with compassion.

OP, your DH insists on retaining his independence - surely this means he should be cleaning up the mess he made??

@Aggie15 Thank you - you make a lot of sense. Normally I'd ask his older sister to talk some sense into him but she's got some serious health battles of her own to be dealing with at the moment.

I've just come up to bed after scrubbing aimlessly in an attempt to get the stains off the walls. No luck. No way I can afford to get a decorator in so when it's dried out I'll have to do it myself. Another thing to add to my very long list!

I am just mindful that the landlady is within her rights to request an inspection and I like to keep the house looking half-decent.

We now how burns on the carpet where DH caused an electrical fire (he couldn't be bothered to claim on the insurance he took out) and now a stained wall going up the stairs. It doesn't bother him but it does me. And I'm the one left having to try to sort it as well as everything else.

I'm just tired.

@IOSTT He genuinely isn't bothered. Literally would be happy to leave the walls stained and the carpet soaked in coffee. It's not coming out - I've tried all evening.

Try a magic eraser on the walls (the Flash ones are good, there are cheaper ones but often they're shite!). Worked when I tripped and threw coffee up my (rental) walls! Just be gentle, don't scrub hard or you might take the paint off. Wet the eraser, and scrub quickly but as lightly as you can.

OP you sound utterly exhausted and just done in by life, to be honest.

You have a DH problem, for starters. Not because he is disabled. But because he is being pig headed about accepting this, and any help, and this is having direct negative consequences on you. This must stop.

I'm not a teacher - but I'd genuinely find it hard to believe you'd get sacked for one day sick, 3 months in to a new job, probation or not. People get sick. I feel as if though people on this thread are deliberate trying to trigger your anxiety, when you've already stated you suffer with this. It seems quite bullyish behaviour, to me.

I imagine the day off today wasn't just about DH's fall, by a long stretch.

You need some support for you OP. You sound as if you're doing your utter best, and a wonderful job you're doing too. Easy to criticise at the end of a phone, being a carer is so much more taxing than most on this thread will fortunately have to ever understand.

@Toenailz Aw that's such a kind post - thank you. I felt very "bashed" by this yesterday.
I'm a very conscientious teacher but it's hard to juggle everything; two teenage sons, a 4 yo, and a sick DH who is repeatedly falling. And with a new job on top teaching a class of 30 Y6 kids (SATS pressure is real!)
I think the lack of sleep is getting to me too (we have no choice but to room share with the little one and she's a rubbish sleeper!)
Work seemed to understand when I came in at the start of lunch yesterday and I'm here now ready as usual.

Disabilities aside, your DH sounds like an arsehole.

He's just not bothered about the house. He doesn't see it. I find it frustrating.

Agree with this.
He's a selfish twat.
If you do lose this house.
Dump him.
Focus on your children.
He is making your life harder.

@Necky1 He's a brilliant dad/stepdad. I've been through divorce before and it was hell. Never going through that again! And that was with a wealthy ex!!

'We now how burns on the carpet where DH caused an electrical fire (he couldn't be bothered to claim on the insurance he took out) and now a stained wall going up the stairs. It doesn't bother him but it does me. And I'm the one left having to try to sort it as well as everything else.'

I'm so sorry op with everything that you are enduring but as others have said your dh is being incredibly reckless and unfair to you. You have a young dc your dh can't be causing fires and spiling hot drinks.

He needs ro accept his limitations and take some responsibility. Many many people have life limiting conditions and one has to adapt not plough on causing at best property damage at worst damage to the people living in the house. Good luck, hope you have some support.

The more you post about him, the more selfish and unpleasant he sounds.

All of this must be having an effect on your DC (teens as well as 4 year old). How must your small child feel, seeing her father falling over regularly and her mother being completely exhausted by it all?

I know you’ve said you don’t want a divorce but eventually the resentment towards your selfish DH will kill your marriage. I’d be furious about the lack of care towards you, your children and your home.

I feel for you OP, it sounds like you are trying to keep hundreds of plates spinning - and no one is helping you! Could you put your two teen sons in a shared room? (they won’t like it, but they’re not paying the rent, and it might mean your 4 year old could have her own room and hopefully get some sleep) You say your exH was/is wealthy - does he contribute enough maintenance for your shared sons? Do they spend enough time with him? I would suggest a serious chat with your DH about options you can both look at going forward. You are not there to be the family slave, workhorse, AND carer. It also sounds like you might need some support irl - do you have good friends or family you can talk to and get on board? Re supply teaching, I’m not sure that would be a good option if you’re likely to need to cancel at the last moment because of your DH? Try to keep the stability you have (job/s) but start making changes at home, eg bedrooms, and starting to get assessed for care/aid for DH (whether he is on board or not!) Also talk to your GP about your own health issues, and the stress you are under. Best of luck 💐

A brilliant dad step dad will look at how he can get his needs addressed so he does not take risks eg carrying coffee up stairs.
Brilliant means consideration of others including you op

To offer another side to the DH problem (whilst I am in general agreement he is causing more problems for the OP than necessary, again not with being disabled, but his reluctance to accept it and any help), disabilities do impact us all differently.

When I was (finally) diagnosed with mine, I found it incredibly hard to accept, and made life so much harder for myself as a result. It's not an instant process when you gain a disability in adulthood, to accepting this and adopting your new, reduced, way of life.

It's devastating, its unacceptable, you can out-think it, you can just try harder, you CAN do this if only you try that bit harder. Then as the realisation creeps up on you (often very slowly, for me it took years to realise and the process of acceptance), the depression and useless-ness feeling begins to creep in as you realise you are no longer you, and you can not be the 'you', that you are inside the failing body, anymore.

Don't care what anyone says, it's a different process for everyone, some are able to accept it sooner than others, it is very akin to a grieving process. It's not easy and it's not instant.

Rather than OP's OH being a complete cockend to her, I think he's in not in a good way in his journey. So, he IS having a massive impact on her, but it's not all intentional.

Hard for some to get bothered about carpet, phoning insurance, stains on walls, when you're falling all over the place, probably in some pain, and inner turmoil over what is happening to you and the realisation it's not going to get better, and in fact, may only get worse. Doesn't make it OK of course, but, I understand.

@Toenailz I think that you are right, there's likely an element of denial or depression about the diagnosis. It's a very difficult thing to come to terms with, that your life is never going to be the same. I took at least a couple of years for both my husband and myself to get to a place where we had protocols in place and come to the understanding of what the new normal looked like. As a society we tend to think about disability and chronic illnesses as something that is primarily the domain of older age. So we are under prepared to face it when we become disabled at a young age. It can make you feel like you are worthless and you no longer have a purpose or the ability to look after your responsibilities and family.

Hopefully today feels better than yesterday for the OP. She would benefit from some support structure, so that there's others who could step in, if there's a future emergency. She also needs some trusted allies who can allow her to express herself and vent, without judging or telling her what she's doing wrong or how horrible her husband is.

I think you're asking too much of the school

The situation with your stubborn and poorly husband is huge for you

It isn't huge for the school

I think you'd do well to see your GP about medication for your MH

It seems that, because your previous husband was an asshole, you are now willing to accept shit from your current husband - because he is less bad than the Ex.

I couldn't live like that. Brilliant dads do not do stuff that causes their wives such anguish and anxiety. Especially since all your frustrations are totally justified.

Yes, his disability must be very distressing for him. Quite likely he does suffer from acute depression. But this doesn't give him carte blanche to not only not contribute according to his best ability, but to actively sabotage your efforts to earn a living and keep your household running.

You need to put your foot down before you burn out.

Thanks all. Just come in from work to a £129 water bill I can't pay and husband won't pay it (says hasn't got the money) so no idea what to do.
My ex has the boys equally so no maintenance due. He lives in a million pound property and boys have their own wing there so I guess a small room each at mine is a bit of a let down (I can see it from their pov).
Off to collect daughter from Rainbows now.

Why didn't you get more from the divorce? I don't understand why there's such a disparity in how you live?

@KateDelRick I married a very shrewd chartered accountant. He deliberately made himself self-emlpoyed before court settlement and claimed to be earning £26k pa. I got a settlement but it wasn't enough to buy a 3-bed and I had to pay out for a solicitor for sons as he applied for full custody of boys (punishment for me leaving - he warned me about that before I left to be fair to him).