To expect a courtesy email?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

So my husband has a spinal condition which means he often falls. This morning he fell up the stairs with two hot cups of coffee. He's OK but clearly shaken as am I. The walls are a disaster but that's not important!
At 6.59 I emailed the school where I have been teaching since September to explain the situation. I informed Head, Deputy Head (both non-teaching) and also my job share. I also called the school office as per policy. It's the first time I've been off at this new school.
It's now 9.19 and I've not even had an acknowledgement of my email or a quick "Are you OK" message.
AIBU to have expected one?
I know with absolute certainty my other previous schools would have checked in.

I know you're being sarcastic, but to what extreme will you take this? He is refusing to accept his condition and get help. This affects the whole family. He is not acting in a loving way.

Have you read the thread?

If so, you'd know the answer.

I'm not telling you to leave.

I'm telling you to tell your husband that his bad choices impact you so much that your mental health is being messup up to the point of vomiting. That if he refuses to see how his bad choices are affecting others then he needs to start thinking how he would cope on his own. It will probably shock him to the core and might make him realise that he needs to start choosing better. Sometimes you have to lay it out to see how bad the situation is. You can't keep papering over the cracks.

Not taking food and drink upstairs should be your drawn line. It's up to him to figure out where he's eating/drinking downstairs. But it's something that HAS to be done. Next time your child could end up in hospital scarred for life.

Who do you choose OP? Your child's safety or your husband's right to do whatever he wants?

I would have thought that a tecaher would know that there is no such thing as "registered disabled" because there is no register of people with disabilities.

You should have gone to work, even if you went in late.

Who is he registered with? There is no such thing as a disabled registry. You can get pip, or a blue badge.. but that is it.

There is no UK disability register.

What you're saying is his employers consider him disabled under the terms of equality act.

Why would they ask if you are OK?

You didn't fall over

if you get some form of carer's allowance, even if you dont, you could get a carer to go in every day
in the meantime get a plan of action
speak to your head, all the best

That's a very dramatic reaction. Are you in therapy/on medication?

This does read like a classic dripfeed.

Initially, the OP's husband falls up the stairs while carrying coffee, is okay but "wobbly", the OP decides to stay at home for some reason and asks if she's U because the school haven't asked after someone who's not even a staff member 20 minutes into the school day.

MN: YABU

OP: But, but...I'm shaking and have diarrhoea and nausea and anxiety...
Oh well, I'll struggle in and manage somehow; I'll mask my extreme anxiety even though I'm still shaking...
And if it turns out my beloved, disabled husband has severe concussion or a subdural or something, I'm sure he'll ring 111 (let's hope nobody there's taken a day off because their spouse fell over and is now OK but wobbly)

MN: Sorry, but YAstillBU

OP: Resorts to abuse.

OP I’m sorry you are having such a terrible time in RL and on this thread, which is such an appalling example of the race to the bottom attitude that permeates everywhere but is portrayed in typical obnoxious fashion on MN.

There is not a single place where I have worked where this sort of incident would not have provoked a decent response and I’ve worked in some really tough corporate environments.

i assume all the posters who are saying you should expect nothing (and you should be at work) are saying that because that is how they are treated at work/treat others. It’s not acceptable to be that much of an arsehole and I am sorry for everyone that has to put up with such unpleasant treatment.

Agree 100% with this, this thread has turned into a horrible pile on. OP's husband has fallen and given them all a fright- I think she should have taken the day off but obviously tricky on probation.

The thread and the original post, I think, wasn't really about the email, but about the fact that the OP is breaking down due to everything thay she has to deal with, while the husband tries to pretend it's all normal. He needs to start dealing with the fact he can't do what he used to do, so she gets a bit of mental space to do what she needs to do, which includes looking after herself. He's letting her down here, despite being in an awful position himself. I bet she has the lion's share of the parenting too. He needs to (unfortunate turn of phrase, I know) step up.

She did, she's posting from work.

The school should send a standard courtesy email I agree.

However OP you must speak to your husband about this. His condition is affecting your mental health very severely. Ultimately he tripped up the stairs and spilled coffee. It’s not nice but the reaction it has provoked in you is not sustainable, this will completely burn you out and take a massive toll on you if something doesn’t give. If he refuses to help himself further then please look to what you can do to get yourself into a better mindset. Perhaps even some therapy or counselling.

Regardless of whether you are on probation I would encourage you to speak to the school so they at least understand your home life a bit better. People often seem cold when they do not understand what somebody is dealing with.

She did

This should not be true surely?
I'm a teacher. In my first term in a new school my husband needed a major operation. I was asked what I needed and given it (while he was waiting for the op I left bang on to get to visiting and once he had the op I had the whole last week of term off and I can go to appointments with him too). Probation shouldn’t matter. If he’s disabled can you register as his carer? That should support you legally.

Right. But, has this fall left him unable to care for himself. The sad fact is that unless you want to become his career and live on the pittance that is carer’s allowance, then you have to work and cannot risk losing your job. That means leaving him, even after a fall, unless he is actually injured and unable to take care of himself at all.

I don’t agree with any of that. I actually think carer’s allowance should be closer to a full time wage (for those caring for people who need full time care and not people taking the piss and claiming it for each other etc). But it isn’t. And you and your husband clearly need your income. That means making hard decisions. That means going to work and leaving him to look after himself, and it sounds like he is actually plenty capable and the falls etc are because he won’t use walking aids and is trying to do things, like carry both coffees, when he can’t. You cannot risk your job just because he won’t take necessary precautions.

You might have to sit him down for a proper chat. What happened this morning will be a factor in your school deciding if they will continue your employment. It would not have happened if he used mobility aids or stopped trying to carry two things at once. His refusal to accept his condition is risking your job, and also putting him at risk of serious harm. A fall in the stairs could be really bad. He was lucky. He needs to realise this, so maybe it’s time you lay it out plainly for him. Accidents will still happen, but he doesn’t need to set himself up in stupid situations and make the accident more likely.

It can be very difficult accepting he has to change the way he does things. But he does have to. Bringing you a coffee in the morning is a lovely thing, and it’s something nice he can do for you. There is no reason he needs to stop, but I’d suggest getting a cup caddy for 2 cups. He can then make the coffee, slot them into the caddy and carry them upstairs with one hand, keeping the other hand free for a walking aid or bannister use. Simple adjustments like will really help him continue doing the things he wants to do in a safe way. You can get a cup caddy for around £10/15. Then he can still bring you coffee and you can both enjoy a few minutes of coffee in bed together, he can still do this romantic gesture and maybe still feel a little more in control of his situation.

Good luck, adjusting to disability isn’t easy for either of you but you’ll figure it out, and you’ll find all sorts of great tools you can get to make tasks easier.

At least get an insulated cup with a lid

I think the "being on probation" needs to be questioned here. Teachers are on probation for their first year. Even when you change schools you are deemed to have proven yourself as a professional and will have observations and targets the same as everyone else.
They shouldn't really ask for a probationary period, it's unusual.

Unfortunately, that's what schools are like. No teacher would expect a response to that sort of email, especially by 9.20am. The pressures on budget and time are enormous.
I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that's what happens.

It's probably the lunch break. Are you just enjoying putting the boot in?

She actually said that the walls didn't matter

What thread are you reading?

He's OK but clearly shaken as am I. The walls are a disaster but that's not important!

And why, when someone is clearly upset and worried do you have to be so nasty?