To expect a courtesy email?

[Youthiswastedontheyoung]

So my husband has a spinal condition which means he often falls. This morning he fell up the stairs with two hot cups of coffee. He's OK but clearly shaken as am I. The walls are a disaster but that's not important!
At 6.59 I emailed the school where I have been teaching since September to explain the situation. I informed Head, Deputy Head (both non-teaching) and also my job share. I also called the school office as per policy. It's the first time I've been off at this new school.
It's now 9.19 and I've not even had an acknowledgement of my email or a quick "Are you OK" message.
AIBU to have expected one?
I know with absolute certainty my other previous schools would have checked in.

@MrsSkylerWhite Thank you. It's been a lot to come to terms with, my MH has definitely taken a hit and I'm exhausted. He falls over a lot but he won't ask for help. He is now registered as disabled with work and they have been great. Lots of things been put in for him.
Going in this afternoon so I don't get sacked.

You won't get sacked. You posted earlier that you won't even get an absence interview.

yes but he can't "be normal" he has a new normal. And for the sake of your child, at least, he needs to do his best to come to terms with it. He is a parent. And needs to get hold of this quickly.

Does he have anyone to speak to about it? (not you - you have enough to manage)

Sounds really tough for you OP. You’ve obviously got a lot on your plate.

Please inform your direct line manager of what’s going on and how bad it’s affecting you mentally and physically.

Also please speak to your GP too. Throwing up from stress and anxiety isn’t normal, you can’t live like this. You also need help x

If things have got this bad you need to put your foot down and start talking about changes that can be made around the home to help stop these things happening.

It’s all well and good your husband saying he’s fine and doesn’t want help but if it’s causing serious accidents and your mental and physical health is suffering to this extent you need to put your foot down.

i am the person with the chronic, painful and stressful condition and i think her DH is being a dickhead quite frankly.

It shouldn't be the OP's burden to deal with his stubborn stupidity either.

I'm a similar age to her DH and a carer for an 18yo with a disability, and have an elderly mother who is wobbly on her feet.. but we're all sensible enough to know what we can/can't do within our limitation and i use mobility aids and have things in place to make sure as the functional adult (hahah) in this house that i don't trip/fall/injure myself, because if i do, we're all buggered.

several pps hae pointed out that OP needs to take care of herself, asked if she has support, and suggested the DH get some therapy.

That is very far from a pile on.

sometimes you need to hear uncomfortable truths to acknowledge the situation you are in.

What's your house layout like OP? Id be considering trying to shift the bedroom downstairs if that's an option while you all adjust and work out ways to better deal with what's going on. How new is his spinal issue? It can take a long time to accept limitations when you're at an age people really dont expect to become disabled at. It might help him to join an online support group, I expect he could find a relevant one on FB. It can really help talking to people going through the same experiences. You can vent, get advice, not feel like you're the only one your age this is happening too. I got sick in my teens and now middle aged and I still find it hard when things get worse and my illness takes more away from me.

There will be practical work arounds. I drop things a lot so I use a travel mug for coffee and stainless steel cups instead of glass and the cheapest IKEA plates so it's not a big issue if I hit a really bad week and break multiple plates and bowls in the space of a few days. You could keep cups and sugar upstairs and he could make the coffee in a thermos and carry up the thermos or if you drink your coffee very differently you could use a bar fridge upstairs for milk (if you use it) and have sugar and coffee up there and he just brings a thermos of hot water up.

Oh no, that train has left the station. My husband is like this. He is disabled now and doesn´t accept it, his internal dialogue is lousy.

The coffee is a red herring. The only difference travel mugs would have made is to not spill the coffee he still would have fallen. You may need to look at a stair lift to be sure he won't fall

Anyone who hasn't looked after someone who has a long term disability or deteriorating condition probably can't understand why you aren't at work. It's not just the one event, horrible as it was, that's affecting the OP. You get run down physically and emotionally by the multitude of things. It's super easy to say "Well just stop him from doing it". For one thing, he's an adult and entitled to make decisions, even if they are bad ones. Secondly trying to maintain as much autonomy is normal and I dare say vital to his mental health. It's tough being forced to adapt to something you don't want to have to live with and denial is also part of the process. You go from being an active person who provides for your family, to this sick person who needs "looking after". It's challenging for both of them, in different ways.

Obviously he didn't intend to fall down the stairs or make OP so stressed out but it happened. Together they need to find a solution that works for both of them. So probably best if posters think of ways to support them and not criticise the OP for having a problem. She's very vulnerable and upset after a traumatic experience of seeing her loved one falling and isn't well enough to go to work based on how it's affected her.

Do work know your home situation? If not it is worth letting them know, so they can be as understanding as possible.
Also, are you getting any physio house assessment support to see where to adapt, if possible, for safety? Maybe carry hot drinks in a hot mug or thermos flask? Does he have an emergency button on him that he can press for help.
I completely sympathise with your husband - just younger than him and am registered disabled now. It's really hard to adjust, both mentally and physically. However you also need peace of mind that he is safe when you go out.

Thanks. I'll speak to him although he won't accept adjustments. House is rented so difficult to shift around much but food for thought. Teaching is itself very stressful.and brand new to the year group and daughter also started school so a lot to take on I guess. I will have words.

WinterBones
i am the person with the chronic, painful and stressful condition and i think her DH is being a dickhead quite frankly.

As is my husband, who is also the breadwinner through family timing and circumstance. He is the most stoic person I have ever met. Doesn’t moan, gets on with it. Cries sometimes with me but never publicly.

Everyone is different, though. I was actually thinking more of OP than her husband. Living with the worry of another person’s condition can get to you sometimes.

I just thought all of the “why haven’t you gone to work? So he spilled some coffee? comments were crass.

Well they should definitely have messaged you by now I think. Are you sure you're OK to go in?

To be fair, it took the OP almost an hour to say I've been sick, diahorrea, shaking like a leaf.

Had she mentioned that sooner, people may not have asked why she didn't want to go to work.

As you've just said, teaching is a tough job, and you have extra pressures. It's really how to manage it. The conversation with your husband may be difficult, but it's necessary, and do try to get help and support. Various suggestions from pp sound very practical.

@MrsSkylerWhite Thank you. It sounds weird but the "bang" was the thing that triggered me (past trauma). He kind of tripped and then fell. I'm still shaking but will manage I'm sure.

Teaching is like no other workplace in the weird attitude to absence. Teachers go in and teach when horribly, contagiously sick and it’s actively encouraged. If you’re ever off sick, usually the only correspondence you will have is “do you know when you’ll be back?”

Not surprising. I imagine a sympathetic colleague or two may ask you about your husband when you’re physically back in.

They will be busy, very busy time of the day and week surely. I appreciate you have lot going on but so do they

I just think even a brief acknowledgement of email would have been nice.

Are you getting help with your MH? Shaking, throwing up, and diarrhoea are quite strong reactions to a fall that hasn't even required medical treatment.

@MrsSkylerWhite they were before the OP provided more clarity. Her original post made it sound like the problem was her wanting a reply to an email and it seemed she was taking the day off for no reason.

She later said her husband's choice to do nothing to help himself is impacting her mental health.

Youthiswastedontheyoung · Today 11:22

Thank you. It sounds weird but the "bang" was the thing that triggered me (past trauma). He kind of tripped and then fell. I'm still shaking but will manage I'm sure.

Our walls are covered in tea and coffee splashes! If my husband brings hot drinks upstairs, he exclusively uses travel mugs now. One less small thing to think about. Though it sounds as though yours still has to get his head around the situation.

@yutulin He has multiple falls. He fell out of bed over the weekend and cut head and foot.