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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect a courtesy email?

294 replies

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 09:22

So my husband has a spinal condition which means he often falls. This morning he fell up the stairs with two hot cups of coffee. He's OK but clearly shaken as am I. The walls are a disaster but that's not important!
At 6.59 I emailed the school where I have been teaching since September to explain the situation. I informed Head, Deputy Head (both non-teaching) and also my job share. I also called the school office as per policy. It's the first time I've been off at this new school.
It's now 9.19 and I've not even had an acknowledgement of my email or a quick "Are you OK" message.
AIBU to have expected one?
I know with absolute certainty my other previous schools would have checked in.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 11/11/2024 11:53

5128gap · 11/11/2024 11:50

Actually, if you're on probation that's exactly what you should do. If you have care responsibilities you have additional protections. It will be far less risky for them to terminate your employment in probation without knowledge that you care for a disabled person than in full knowledge that you do.

That's true. She would be protected from discrimination by association.

https://www.acas.org.uk/disability-discrimination/types-of-disability-discrimination

Types of disability discrimination - Disability discrimination - Acas

Types of disability discrimination, including harassment, victimisation, failure to make reasonable adjustments and discrimination arising from disability.

https://www.acas.org.uk/disability-discrimination/types-of-disability-discrimination

KateDelRick · 11/11/2024 11:54

ilovesooty · 11/11/2024 11:49

She's only been in this job since September. All this can't be easy in a new workplace.

None of it is easy. No-one is claiming that. She's an experienced teacher of 21 years' service. We normally don't require a "probation" period, so I'm wondering what the school are doing? That's only for newly qualified.
She has the same rights and entitlements as any other member of staff. Which are very limited.

Lougle · 11/11/2024 11:56

@Youthiswastedontheyoung please disclose your DH's condition. It will give you extra protection in your job.

BobbyBiscuits · 11/11/2024 12:03

So you're taking the day off to care for your husband? If he's fine then why not go to work?
But anyway they're busy starting the school day, you're not there, so priority is probably to find cover for your absence rather than sending you courtesy emails. As long as you know they definitely received them then just get on with your day.

ilovesooty · 11/11/2024 12:06

BobbyBiscuits · 11/11/2024 12:03

So you're taking the day off to care for your husband? If he's fine then why not go to work?
But anyway they're busy starting the school day, you're not there, so priority is probably to find cover for your absence rather than sending you courtesy emails. As long as you know they definitely received them then just get on with your day.

She said she's going in this afternoon.

murasaki · 11/11/2024 12:06

It sounds like you have a perfect storm of new job stress, general teaching stress, amd carrying all the mental load of your life changes as your DH isn't accepting it. No wonder you're cracking.

He needs to realise this is his new normal, and if it takes therapy to do that, that's what he needs to do. Then maybe you can worry a little less about that part. You can't carry all of it on your own.

Fucktheapp · 11/11/2024 12:14

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 11:18

Thanks. I'll speak to him although he won't accept adjustments. House is rented so difficult to shift around much but food for thought. Teaching is itself very stressful.and brand new to the year group and daughter also started school so a lot to take on I guess. I will have words.

Sorry to hear things aren’t easy in the house. Have your considered whether you’d be entitled with any help from your council given that your husband is now registered as disabled? Maybe not yet, but if perhaps if the stairs become too much you may, in the future be offered somewhere more suitable to live.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/11/2024 12:17

Read him the riot act. Tell him that if he doesn't start to take responsibility for his own health then he needs to leave. Be frank, be honest, be brutal.

He needs to go back to his GP to see if they can refer him elsewhere (adult social services etc).

You need to go back to your GP for possibly anti anxiety meds and counselling if you've been triggered by that bang. You're obviously struggling.

In the meantime he cannot take food or drink upstairs. That is just stupid that he thinks it's necessary. I assume you have a comfortable sofa downstairs.

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:20

I'm at school now. I realise the expectations are on teachers to never be off. Their families must come second at all times. Hubby struggling and head aches badly but he knows to call 111 if vision starts to blur etc.

OP posts:
Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:21

@LittleGreenDragons He has a specialist mattress so I doubt a sofa will be of much use(!)

OP posts:
KateDelRick · 11/11/2024 12:22

Speak to your line manager and the HT.
Ensure that they are aware of your husband's disability, and also your personal struggles.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 11/11/2024 12:22

You've taken the day off while you're in probationary period in a new role because your husband tripped going upstairs and spilled some coffee? And you expect your employer to have sent a courtesy email by 9.19 am? Really?

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:23

@Fucktheapp It's not social housing as we don't qualify on income of around £3k per month between us. Privately rented.

OP posts:
Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:24

@Howmanycatsistoomany FFS HE IS REGISTERED DISABLED.

OP posts:
Haggia · 11/11/2024 12:24

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 11:48

@Haggia I had no idea that you couldn't take any time off at all if on probationary period.
Are you ever off work yourself?
I followed the school policy to the letter regarding absence reporting.
Going in now.

I didn’t say this at all, you’ve deliberately misquoted me to be argumentative. You are also jumping to the defensive immediately in questioning my own situation.

If it helps, no I have categorically never had time off work because my DH tripped and spilt coffee.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/11/2024 12:25

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:21

@LittleGreenDragons He has a specialist mattress so I doubt a sofa will be of much use(!)

Then maybe move his mattress/bed downstairs. He cannot and should not be carrying hot drinks upstairs. He needs to drink them downstairs. How would he have felt if that coffee had spilt on your young child? He needs to grow up and think of you and your child too. Otherwise he needs to move out so his bad choices don't affect either of you.

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:26

Yes I'm going to leave my disabled husband who I love beyond measure.

OP posts:
UnctuousUnicorns · 11/11/2024 12:28

"He needs to look into adaptations and such like, so you don't end up having to take the days off for stuff that is preventable and keep it for things that arent. So for coffee adaptions, I have a kettle upstairs and downstairs, so I don't have to lug hot drinks up the stairs, I just make them upstairs or vice versa or get the thermos cups with the lids on the top so spills are contained."

All this. I have permanent nerve damage in my foot from an injury, which means that I walk very unsteadily, with a severe limp. I was once taking the buffet breakfast at a hotel. I tried to take a mug of coffee from the dispenser over to our table, but sloshed some of it out onto the floor for the staff to mop up. 😳 Now I always take a leak proof travel mug with me and use that instead.

At home I have a travel kettle in our bedroom, so I can make hot drinks on the desk beside our bed, so no walking with hot drinks. Downstairs, I use a lidded travel mug, or if making coffee, I have a cafetiere which looks like a lidded flask, so I can just carry my mug with a bit of milk in it to the living room, then bring the coffee in from the kitchen in the leak proof cafetiere.

I use baskets with handles either side to take stuff up and down stairs and from room to room. Cold drinks are put in lidded beakers so they don't spill.

My DH has recently installed a grab rail in our bathroom, which enables me to get out the bath more easily, that's been a God send.

I get that it's shit and frustrating. My mobility is so much more limited now, I need a stick to walk any distance, and even that's tiring. But you do have to do whatever is necessary to make life easier for yourself, and so you're not needlessly relying on other people.

Oh, and I'm jiggered if I'm going to fetch drinks around for anyone but myself. My perfectly able bodied DH and 24 and 15 year old DC, that live with us, can carry their own drinks, and anything else, about themselves. Which of course they do.

murasaki · 11/11/2024 12:28

The OP is clearly at the end of her tether here. While I loathe the ' #be kind' concept as a squasher of opinions, I think here's a good case to bear it in mind.

Completelyjo · 11/11/2024 12:30

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:20

I'm at school now. I realise the expectations are on teachers to never be off. Their families must come second at all times. Hubby struggling and head aches badly but he knows to call 111 if vision starts to blur etc.

You’re being so dramatic and defensive now. Your op literally said he was fine and you seemed more concerned about the walls so people were rightfully confused about why you needed to be off. You were specifically concerned about not having received a reply from the school by 9:20, nothing at all in your post about your husband!
Its got nothing to do with being a teacher, it would be strange in any industry.

Odd you’ve chosen to go in now that you say he was struggling but when you phoned off work he was fine.

OpalHam · 11/11/2024 12:30

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:20

I'm at school now. I realise the expectations are on teachers to never be off. Their families must come second at all times. Hubby struggling and head aches badly but he knows to call 111 if vision starts to blur etc.

Teacher sickness rates are huge. The expection in your opinion might be that teachers are expected to never be off sick but the reality is different.

And sickness is different to MAT pay, career breaks, COVID infections, carers leave etc.

And I'm not bashing teachers at all, I work with many and am also from a public sector with enormous sickness rates where colleagues frequently say they can't go off sick. But do. As do hundreds of thousands of others including me at times.

LaLaLaurie · 11/11/2024 12:31

Some of these replies are ridiculous. We seem to be living in a very unsympathetic world at the moment.

Does he have a care plan in place with carers who can visit while you’re working?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 11/11/2024 12:31

He knows he's disabled and not taking appropriate measures.

He falls. A lot. So he should have some form of assistance like a pendant around his neck and/or wrist that sends out an alert if falls.

He shouldn't be using stairs without help. A friends partner had issues with balance and fell down their stairs regularly and eventually broke their back doing it. After that no stairs when home alone. Trying to do stairs with hot drinks is absolutely stupid. He may want to be 'normal' but he isn't. And trying to do things he can't is hurting those around him and you need to have the conversation to make that crystal clear.

ManchesterLu · 11/11/2024 12:31

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 11/11/2024 12:20

I'm at school now. I realise the expectations are on teachers to never be off. Their families must come second at all times. Hubby struggling and head aches badly but he knows to call 111 if vision starts to blur etc.

Your family don't have to come second, but teaching is a very difficult job to get cover for, particularly at very short notice. Things happen, of course they do, but equally you have to get things put in place so these accidents don't happen. You know about your husband's disability, and can and should be able to prepare better.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 11/11/2024 12:31

So you're at school now and yet you're still finding time to post shouty messages on Mumsnet? Best of luck with that probationary period 😂