DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

[Norzilla]

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home.
Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

They were coming xmas eve and leaving Boxing Day, so only 1.5 days!

A day and a half only! Bliss!

DH sounds like the biggest pita: has he isolated you from your family or has he tried to protect you from your admittedly fractious relationship with your mum? Now you’ve all been invited to your db’s, will you change your plans?

This! I wasn't emotionally black mailing her. I merely pointed out the facts that there are decreasing years with which to spend time at xmas with DGP. DD is usually chatty with DM and does get on with her better than I did at 18. They are very similar.

OP it appears that your DH and transDC rather wish to keep themselves to themselves at Christmas …..because of their own personal struggles maybe, we can’t really tell.
I think it’s also important for them to be considerate of you and your parents. It’s only1.5 days and your parents sound like a perfectly reasonable elderly couple who love the DGC.
I would press them to act less selfishly now they are growing up and to think of Christmas as a time to gather family around. It can’t all be about them. Wider family are important, - elderly members especially, shouldn’t be left out. They might even enjoy the extra company.
It’s not good to live in selfish little Christmas bubble thinking only of their own needs and wants.

Jesus! I didn't even think about stating that my parents were not male and female! DM and DF have both been mentioned along the thread.

I am 75 and recently widowed. My daughter has invited me to her house for Christmas. I would be heartbroken if I heard that my grandchildren reacted like this. To be honest in your place I probably would suggest that as she is 18 and legally an adult, she might like to find somewhere else to spend Christmas.

Absolutely categorically not!

'abuse at their hands and doesn't know how to properly express her fear of them being under her roof?

Or they are racist/homophonic/transphobic/misogynistic and it doesn't align with her values (or her personal self) and she can't stand the idea of having to listen to their hate when she wants to celebrate?

Or she wasn't "outraged" and it's an exaggeration on OP'S behalf of her understanding of her DD being upset her plans with friends might have to change and she was really just a bit upset which escalated because instead of showing a little empathy herself, OP called her names and was aggressive with her and left her feeling like she didn't matter?'

My DP have never had DC alone due to distance ( ex forces) .
Yes my relationship with DM has not always been good but her relationship to DC has been although again due to distance less contact than many other DGP

The thing is, it doesn't make sense .

If she has a good relationship with them or at least your mum, what's the actual issue of them being there? Just the fact that they might be sharing a bathroom ?

She doesn't have to entertain them, or cook for them /clean after them, there's no inconvenience for her, and she'll probably get extra presents with them there.

So why is she kicking off so badly?

'There's no mention of a partner...'

DH and I have been together 23 years ( father of DD)

'Is grandparent independent - does daughter think she'll be running around grandparent etc'

Completely independent so no they won't be running round after them.
Not even a joint replacement between them and go for walks every day!

DTS ( DD2 trans son).

If you have 3 kids is it to do with someone is going to have to bunk up with someone else to provide them with a room?

Does your dh get a say on what he and the kids do Christmas Day?

You say he has isolated you and them from your parents. But it it does come across as though you have had a difficult relationship with them, you chose to live away from them and life has been easier living away from them.

Bit now you perceive it as being better you want everyone else to feel as though it’s a close relationship land forget everything else. That might be easy for you as they are your parents and you are worried about them dying. But everyone else doesn’t have that bond with them.

Your dh might be isolating you from your family. Or he may just not have a bond with them given how yeh relationships have been and the distance.

If my Dad all of a sudden got close with family members who have been pretty awful in the past I can’t say I would be that enthused with pretending it’s not be difficult up to now.

So I am guessing while your parents are there, there’s going to be quite a bit of tension? While DM is not supportive of you and that impacts you, it’s likely there’s an impact on everyone else as well.

I appreciate you wanting to build to bridges with your parents, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else will be looking forward to them being there. Or the resulting issues it will create.

But also, now you have made the decision you are all going to your brothers and not happy because everyone else isn’t on board either.

It does come across as a little bit like you are centring you, your parents and your brother and ignoring how everyone feels and annoyed they won’t just go along with it. It seems not everyone wants to spend this time with your family, perhaps due to the difficulties in your relationship.

Your dh and kids must have a reason they don’t want to go to your brothers. I am guessing your dd has said why she isn’t happy about your parents coming. Even if you don’t agree with them, they will have said it. Even if it’s that last years Christmas was far better and enjoyable without them last year. But you aren’t really saying. Surely your DH gets input on Christmas plans?

DH has for 18 years dictated we will always stay home at xmas. I guess I am sick of ignoring my own wishes

Perhaps spend Christmas day at home, keeping it super simple effort wise, leaving Boxing day and going to visit and stay with your brother and parents for a few days.

Unfortunately DB will not have his DC on Boxing Day ( live 2 hours away from us so we don't see them often). His exW cheated so I will not see them at hers.

2/3 times a year ( live 2 hours away)

I assumed they were further away than that. 2 hours is not far at all.

On this issue no I don't speak nicely.
She has many nice qualities, kind to her friends, hard working, intelligent , pretty. Can be sweet to me.
Equally she can be very selfish and has treated DH like a bank. He obliges which is the root of the selfish streak and self entitlement.

He obliges which is the root of the selfish streak and self entitlement

Could this come from anywhere else?

If you mean SA then no , I have already questioned this and came up with nothing. If it is the case then DD is saying nothing.

Oh ok fair enough, I’m envious of your longevity genes!

No. Not at all.

OP there are huge elements in this thread that show your selfish streak and self entitlement. You all seem to be looking out for yourself instead of considering what your family and each other need in this situation.

I don’t say that to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I’ve got to call it like I see it.

I think it seems like the OP is making unilateral decisions about what is happening at Christmas.

Whilst I agree that extended family members need to be considered, the OP could have discussed with her DH and children what type of Christmas they wanted this year and agreed together who was invited.

Declaring that DGPs are coming and then that no, in fact we’re all going to uncles’s would annoy most people, I think.

Try talking as a family and agreeing together.

Has it ever occurred to you to reflect on the way you think and refer to your daughter and the way your mother treated you? I think you may be repeating a pattern, unfortunately.

I've only read the Ops so sorry if this has been mentioned before but I remember being very put out at Xmas when we had certain guests staying as a kid. And in fact the same now as an adult if I'm having to visit certain family I'd choose not to but do so out of obligations. It's probably no deeper than that.. She probably would just rather have had the type of Xmas she'd like to have. As we all do. We all make memories and enjoy certain types of xmases. Many people like just having their house to themselves. I also remember disliking having my elderly GP when they had to stay living with us after a fall. It's all very selfish but also very human and especially more likely as a teen. Probably the fact the GPs have never had kids on their own etc also plays a role- similar to me as a kid. She just doesn't feel as comfortable with them as you do as they're your parents but they're people she only sees a few times a year. I can totally relate to how she feels. It's ok for her to feel like she would prefer to have Xmas her way... you should try to take some positives from this that she has created happy memories from however you've done Xmas over the years! Of course this shouldn't change your plans on inviting them etc but I don't think she's awful to not want these people she sees a few times a year in her house and spending Xmas with her! You'd probably feel the same if she wanted to invite some childhood friend over for the time- someone who you may have known and spent time with for years but ofc you're not personally close to them whereas your DD would have a totally different relationship with her.

Also if this is her first Xmas back after uni she's probably even more so wanting to cling to and recreate happy Xmas childhood memories rather than coming home to sharing her house with relatives.