DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

[Norzilla]

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home.
Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

This was my first thought.

I would try to understand where this is coming from.

Thanks for that! I'm 78 and I damned well hope my family aren't thinking this could be my last Christmas!!

My parents have always lived several hours away so haven't been as involved as other DGP. There has been tension between me and DM at times as she has not always been supportive of me.
However I am trying to build bridges and improve relationships. DGF has had cancer and I realise our time is running short. Both are reasonably well and active physically and mentally.
However now to add to complications DB has invited us all for xmas. DP , DD and DTS are now all moaning about not wanting to go there. DB shares custody with DN and DN and his ex W so has them this year for xmas day. I feel like just going without them and feel DH is being obstructive and influencing their thoughts about going.

There are too many initials in that last post to completely follow

But I'd say just go on your own.

What or who is a DTS?

Go on your own to your brother's and leave your DH to sort Christmas for the kids. Make the most of being with your parents while you can. I think if you don't get another chance to have Christmas with your dad, you may come to resent your DH and daughter for being difficult when you really could have done with their support and understanding.

It usually stands for twins.

OP, your DH should get a equal say in were Christmas is spent. If you do all decide to go, your DD is old enough to stay at home.

go by yourself & leave the selfish brats to it.

So I am guessing while your parents are there, there’s going to be quite a bit of tension? While DM is not supportive of you and that impacts you, it’s likely there’s an impact on everyone else as well.

I appreciate you wanting to build to bridges with your parents, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else will be looking forward to them being there. Or the resulting issues it will create.

But also, now you have made the decision you are all going to your brothers and not happy because everyone else isn’t on board either.

It does come across as a little bit like you are centring you, your parents and your brother and ignoring how everyone feels and annoyed they won’t just go along with it. It seems not everyone wants to spend this time with your family, perhaps due to the difficulties in your relationship.

Your dh and kids must have a reason they don’t want to go to your brothers. I am guessing your dd has said why she isn’t happy about your parents coming. Even if you don’t agree with them, they will have said it. Even if it’s that last years Christmas was far better and enjoyable without them last year. But you aren’t really saying. Surely your DH gets input on Christmas plans?

Perhaps spend Christmas day at home, keeping it super simple effort wise, leaving Boxing day and going to visit and stay with your brother and parents for a few days.

There might be more to this OP.
Please don't discount her feelings.
Ask her why she's so upset.

Sounds like your DD rightly anticipates a tense Christmas with people she hardly knows. I personally think bridges should be built the other 364 days of the year, Christmas can be an end goal when both parties have put the work in for a while.
Perhaps an overreaction, but 18yos aren't always the most.rational beings.

It does come across as a little bit like you are centring you, your parents and your brother and ignoring how everyone feels and annoyed they won’t just go along with it. It seems not everyone wants to spend this time with your family, perhaps due to the difficulties in your relationship.
This, and wondering if this selfish centering behaviour is learned from the GPs?
I'm just still thinking is sad but probably a crucial point of the issue is all the horrible and vicious names some horrible posters have called the dd and unless I've missed it @Norzilla hasn't defended her daughter.

Family Christmases on TV are often really awful. Do you just watch Mary Poppins?

My relationship with DM has had ups and downs. She is not very maternal but does love DD. My DD does want to see them but just not xmas. Both DM and DF will play games with us and chat to the DC.
We have always lived some distance from them ( military) and neither DC has been left alone with DF and no issues with DF from my perspective or childhood.

I have come back. Just needed sleep
My DM and I had our differences. With me in childhood she was very critical. However in the last few years we have got on better. Prior to that my job seriously affected my MH. My DD has always been quite spoiled and DH feeds into wanting the perfect family xmas together due to his upbringing. We rarely have visitors but recently when I suggest going to DGP husband and DC always busy or pull faces. I feel he has isolated me from my family and has manipulated DC to think negatively about them.

I would be so disappointed and ashamed of my DC if they behaved like this. Some PP might think that the entire world should centre around the whims of children (which apparently now stretches to young adults) but I think that DC who grow up with a level of entitlement and thinking that they are everyone's line manager will grow up to be horrible adults.

Yes she did have friends but was very choosy. She had a group of friends in 6th form and has made friends at Uni. She has friends from work.
While I agree she is likely mildly ASD does this excuse being selfish?

In our family we have many family members who lived into 90s and one lived to 104. So yes it is quite realistic. DF s grandmother lived to 94!

How often do they come and stay throughout the year?

Has she given any clue as to why she doesn't want them there?

Your DD is an adult, spoilt or not, ADHD or not, she needs to start learning that the world doesn't revolve around her. If you want your DM to come at Christmas then invite her and refuse to change your mind.

DGP are fairly fit people for 78/ 79 .
They just sit and chat / watch TV / have a glass of wine/ bring presents.
With me DM has been critical in the past but we had discussions about 8 years ago and it stopped.
Since then DD2 came out as trans which they have accepted, call by new name and refer to as he him.
They are not mean people generally and love DC ( more than they did me) .
DD has always had a selfish streak which is enabled by DH pandering. ( He was neglected as a child so gives DD all).

Our house is not too small. 4 double bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and separate wc downstairs.

You don't speak very nicely of your DD at all. There's so much to unpack there. Who goes where for Christmas is the least of your problems.