DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

[Norzilla]

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home.
Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

No. Not at all.

'OP there are huge elements in this thread that show your selfish streak and self entitlement. You all seem to be looking out for yourself instead of considering what your family and each other need in this situation.

I don’t say that to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I’ve got to call it like I see it.'

So I have wanted to be able to spend time with DP and DB together for 20 years. DH has said all this time that he prefers just us at xmas and that is what we have done. So when exactly have I been self entitled ? Or self centred? I have done what he wants for 18 years and what DC wanted. Is it selfish to ask for one xmas with my whole family in one space?
I also hasten to add DH arranges for his family to come in summer including DMIL D aunt, DSIL and her DC which I am told about rather than asked.

Ok then 🤷‍♀️ Good luck to you all!

She lives at home and goes to uni locally.
She also expects her new BF to stay whenever . I have never stopped this as he makes her happy. I just expect give and take.

You seem to be conflating a lot of issues here op. You said you don't see much of them because they live hours away, they are critical of you, your DH is controlling, your DD is spoiled and stroppy.
You've got a DH with a difficult childhood, a trans child, a fractious relationship with your parents, a possibly controlling husband - yet the thread is about a stroppy teenager. There's a lot going on here, but it's massively unfair of uou to blame it on DD.

@Norzilla you’ve done what other people wanted for 18 years. It’s time to do what YOU want. Go to your brothers and if your DH and DC want to be with you, they can go to. If they don’t, they can sort themselves out. Cheeky beggars!

Twins

In this instance apparently it is Dear Trans Son.

Ah. Apologies

@Norzilla I think you should go. The rest can sort themselves out if they don't want to go with you

Agree with @Fluufer in fact the only person op seems to not have spoken negatively of is her DTC.

This.
Sort out the issues and tackle them separately, because at the moment everything is all jumbled up.

DH dictating how you spend Xmas and refusing guest or visits
DD preferring DH way, doesn't want guests
DH spoiling DD
DD BF staying over whenever she wants, not asking you
DD has been affected by witnessing your bad relationship with your DM

Isolate things you can control or change.

You can't control DH spoiling DD
You can't control DD behaviour - she is too old for that
You can't control the relationship between your DM and DD and DH
You can't control how DH feels about family Christmases

You can insist on some basic house rules around the BF, but be careful to pick your battles. You have limited control here and could lose, especially if DH doesn't back you up.

One thing you CAN control is where you spend your Xmas and how much effort you put into it, e.g. cooking etc.
So go to your DB if you want, for some or all of the day, with any family member who wants to come with you.
Or invite your DM to yours and tell the others to put up with it - but don't be surprised if there is a big argument between DD and DM, or DH and DM, or all three, on the day.

You can't force a happy family Christmas if others don't want it.

So basically grandparents are not very close, DD doesn’t want to have more people at Xmas because then the needs of other people will be considered not only hers. It’s not about huge shift but she won’t be the center of attention and would be less able to do what she wants at least purely because of numbers. She is selfish and she wants things to be as she wants. Hardly surprising at this age. I would tell her to suck it up ( nicely and politely of course) She wants BF to stay and to be welcomed but grandparents not. That’s the wrong attitude as clearly they haven’t done anything bad. (OP’s issues with them is OP’s issues with them)
I blame mostly OP’s husband as he clearly models a wrong behavior here.

Well firstly there's no mildly ASD. You're either autistic or you're not. The only thing that is mild is how others perceive your struggles. Having her expectations of Christmas day upheaved doesn't feel very mild to her, does it?

Secondly, humans are inherently selfish huy the need for structure and routine in autism doesn't make you selfish. Excessive adherence to routines, ritualised patterns of verbal and non verbal behaviour, or excessive resistence to change is quite literally covered in the diagnostic feedback. Deviations can be extremely dysregulating and not being understood, or not getting your needs met creates trauma. It doesn't sound like you understand autism, but if you suspect your daughter could be autistic then I recommend you start trying to understand.

If you do believe she's autistic and you're not willing to accomodate her needs and you're expecting her to consistently make herself smaller or calling her needs selfish then sorry but you're the problem here.

OP, thanks for coming back to your thread with more information.

It sounds like the op accommodates her all the time. It is quite likely doing her a huge life favour to set her up for adulthood to insist on some two way interactions, yes many parents of autistic kids do this all the time and their kids manage well, and probably it should be more often for the op than one Christmas Day in what- 10 years? It is pretty nuts you’d accuse the op of having thought about herself once in the time period. How dare she.
the husband sounds crap op, I really hope you get the Christmas you want, take the kids along, tell the dh sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and if he can’t come and be polite then you will never again be home when you are told his family are coming, nor so much as put a dirty tea towel in the wash to prepare for visiting, he is on his own.

Many parents of autistic kids probably do this all the time and their kids might manage well and on the flip side many parents of autistic kids probably do this and their kids don't manage well. Autistic people don't owe you consistency. If you have met one autistic person then you have met one autistic person and their ability to cope in situations doesn't determine another's.

You can't negotiate or train out or desensitise or sheer will away autism and someone's ability to cope with change can be inconsistent depending on their ability to to cope with other factors that impact their resilience. You know, like the busy Christmas period and all of the seasonal changes, pressure to socialise in a specific way and follow certain cultural rules, on top of university and the demands that come with that. It can all lower your resilience. Some parents of autistic children have to act like Christmas is just another normal day if we're going to offer redundant examples.

I highly suspect that as the OP acknowledged that her daughter could be autistic but then goes on to say she's just being selfish that with that mindset there will be many times where the OPs daughters needs have not been considered or met. It might as well be written into the undiagnosed autistics handbook.

It's no favour to any autistic to force them into social interactions or overstimulating situations that they have already communicated that they don't want to happen because it's likely that they will not be able to manage it. The dragging them up by their bootstraps method just doesn't work or have good short or long term outcomes.

Maybe if the OP does genuinely believe her daughter could be autistic, and starts to understand the struggles associated with transitions and changes then maybe she can find a solution that works as a compromise whilst also listening to her daughters communicated need.

I suspect ASD as I do DM and myself of the same. However , all high functioning and had full time work , degree and friends.
DD copes with much busier situations in a play area and with other family staying.
If it was truly about coping I wouldn't press the matter.
ASD is not an excuse to be rude and social norms must still be learned and mastered.
She has had no additional support in school or work but enjoyed both.
Everyone jumps on this and yet there is no diagnosis and she does not feel any need to be tested.
So on this note I work with what I see.
She is very often accommodated!

Is your DD centre of attention normally and if DGP are there thinks she wont be? I cant think of any other reason other than selfishness for her to re-act like that.

There is a lot of side-tracking on the thread.

Your daughter is an adult still living at home, dependent on you. Your daughter manages to go to university - supported by you so she doesn't pay full whack (or any, perhaps) living costs. She also expects and gets her boyfriend to stay over as she likes. So she can handle people and guests.

She doesn't have a say about Christmas guests. It's not her house. It is yours. Her attitude towards grandparents stinks too. This makes you unhappy and uncomfortable. This is a problem you have to fix with your daughter and her understanding of what is expected from her under your roof.

So arrange for your family to come in summer then?

But that wouldn't be Xmas which would mean the most to DGP and DB and his DC

But you just said time and complained about him inviting them in summer...

So still their wants are more important?

ignore people saying you’re being selfish Op, your husband has had it his ways for years. @Norzilla

@LuckySantangelo35
Thank you, thats really my point.
My wishes are always last in the queue. I accepted this when DC were very young as it was impractical to go elsewhere for xmas. This is now not the case and so after 18 years of not doing what I want , this year I will.

@DoreenonTill8

No just my needs and wishes are equally important. I want to see them and it would mean a lot for DM and DF to see all their DC and GDC together as it hasn't happened at xmas for over 20 years.