DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

[Norzilla]

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home.
Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

We are going through the same thing here at the minute. My daughter isn't a bit pleased. It's because she said we get little enough time together now over Christmas she feels our little one on one times will be decreased or worse still invaded.

She just needs reassurance that you will still have lovely times together.

Good luck

It's a few days! It's not as if she hasn't got loads of time off. I'm sure entitled brat is expecting Santa coming down the chimney plus stocking filled with sweets and Pandora jewellery - not forgetting GFPs Amazon gift cards and Pony in the garage. She'll then complain she's changed her mind about being Vegan - why didn't mother read her mind? Wheres the Turkey / Goose / Roast potatoes cooked in beef dripping and friend's mother always provides home made Yorkshires. She'll then remove herself to mate's house (because you forgot to stock Malibu - last time it was JD and Coke) with more accommodating mum - the one that's been cooking for days; and removed her parents to freezing cold, hugely expensive AirBnB (illegal extension) because her daughter's friends may want to crash. Friends will - helpfully inform, at last minute, of various food intolerances - involving last minute dash to Waitrose; fighting for the last trolley. Knocking OAP over to get lOat Milk and Gluten free anything. Heaving a sigh that at least you're not trying to get a Turkey at the last minute! Return to houseful of whingy teenagers complaining how they can get Dominoes Pepperoni Pizza on tap plus where's the Turkey?

This is very sad. My DC are always excited for their grandad coming. They know all too well that grandparents don't last forever as my mum died in her 60s of cancer. All mine are/ were very involved grandparents who did a lot for DC when they were tiny so they have a good relationship and we always have a big family Christmas. When it was Covid lockdown and we had to have it on our own DC were very sad about that.

You're right. She is being a rude brat and extremely unkind.

Geez this a depressing thread on so many levels.

Counting my blessings.

OP nailed it, a brat. So selfish. She's lucky she has a good mother, her own room and bathroom. An entitled little madam. Up to OP to deal properly with this.

What is the reason behind her reaction @Norzilla ? I don't think you should use the "it could be their last Xmas" type reasoning. None of us know what is around the corner and how many more Christmases will you have with DD?

If she is usually sensible, you should find out the reason for her reaction.

In a comment on someone else's post the OP says her daughter didn't maintain any friendships growing up but seems to be getting a bit better at uni, which is making me think there's something else going on.

For whatever reason, this young woman creates space between herself and others. It would be great if the OP came back to confirm some things that have been asked.

Well lots of parents do knowingly put their kids in danger - you just have to read press reports of abusive parents to know that. You could also read the multiple threads on the Relationships board of posters who were ignored or ostracised by their parents when they spoke up about abuse. As for missing abusive behaviour? It's absolutely possible. Most parents will not know a child has been abused (or will be in denial) unless a child speaks out.

That doesn't mean that's what is happening here, of course. Thec18 year old could just be being a brat. But it's fair of posters to raise potential issues.

Presume the 15 years was a typo and OP meant 5. Aside from the optimism re the grandparents (valid for some after all), "only 15 years" isn't going to work on an 18 year old who probably doesn't even remember 15 years.

Why's she stropping OP? Does she like the DGP, or do they take over the house and the TV etc?

I'd be firm with her that it's happening and that you look after elderly relatives, especially at Christmas. But also reassure her she can still go out, see her friends, spend some downtime in her room etc if you think that's it.

Without back story on their relationship in general it's hard to tell. It has a big impact. If they get on fine normally then she's being unreasonable but if there is some kind of history there then no she's justified.

Part of me wants to say “tell her to grow up” but my 18 and 20 year old DD’s would probably be the same if I invited my mum and step dad over (but stepdad is a horrible person), both my dc have autism and they don’t really like anyone over for Christmas…..but it’s not their choice.

When I was a child it was normal to have older family members over for Christmas day, not it doesn’t seem to be like that. A lot of people like to just spend Christmas with their household, kind of sad as Christmas is about family.

And as for them living another 15 years? My grandmother is 97, I think this year will be her last Christmas.

Assuming there is nothing untoward - your daughter needs to learn a few life lessons......

This was my thought…

I believe it’s your house & your rules…. Unless DC wants to start paying half of the mortgage & bills - then they get an equal say in things.

You are allowing her to be selfish and ridiculous!

WHY is she being like this? What's her reason? And at 18 as well, she's not a stroppy child - it seems very odd

When I was a child I loved having my grandparents over for Christmas, and even if I'd not have wanted them there, I would never have stropped or tantrummed, at any age, particularly not as a young adult. Partly because that would have been incredibly rude to both them and my parents, but also because I wouldn't have had any real reason for it. I feel there must be more to the story than this.

I think there must be something wrong with your daughter. Seriously - you need to look into this so she can get the help she needs.

Can't believe an 18yo can have this attitude. I'd sacrifice a limb to have my grandparents/ great grandparents with me for Christmas.
Really sad actually.

Sorry, but I’d feel thoroughly ashamed of her. Unless there’s some genuine backstory, e.g. abuse, I don’t know why people are trying to make excuses.
My teen dds never complained about their Grandpa even when he had dementia and would e.g. come down to the sitting room after a bath and stand there starkers, drying himself!

Come on people, teach your children that they will not be young forever - they too will grow old!

I know quite a few people in their 90s. A couple who got to 100.

So yes, quite feasible.

Assuming there is no significant back story here your DD sounds very selfish and entitled. She appears to lack any empathy which is worrying. Is this out of character? I would be concerned for what is going on inside her head.

It seems very strange to me that a normal 18year old wouldn’t understand your desire to ensure your elderly parents are included at Christmas time.

I would be so shocked at her reaction that I would be trying to get to the reason for it.
It would really hurt me to have to conclude that my DD was simply a brat and had nothing but selfish reasons for her strong reaction against them.

But in that event, I would suggest she might have somewhere better to spend her Christmas.
If she decided she would be staying, she would be given a clear picture of my expectations about her attitude and conduct towards her grandparents, not just during their stay but from now on in.

She’s being unreasonable. Tell her they’re coming for Xmas end of discussion. Also 15 years as other posters have said, is an extremely generous estimation.