DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

[Norzilla]

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home.
Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

Has no one got any understanding for the DD?
What are your parents like, OP? How long will they be staying for?
Mine will be coming for three nights over Xmas as they live several hours away. It will be lovely to see them but it will be hard work at times as it always is when they come to stay. They are quite set in their ways and my DF expects to rule the roost in a way that DD just isn't used to. It annoys her on a number of levels. Then there are the practical things like DF being slightly deaf so having the TV on louder than we would usually have it. Meanwhile, DM is conscious that, due to distance, she doesn't have the closest relationship with the DC and so constantly asks them questions. It all comes out of kindness but DD in particular finds it challenging.
The other aspect is that our Christmases aren't anything like on TV. Yes, we have lots of delicious food & drink, there will be plenty of presents, the beating will be on and we have a roof over our head. But we don't have much fun. Of course, TV isn't reality but what is real are the Christmases her close friends have, all of whom happen to have loads of cousins they adore and who spend the period all messing around together. No doubt there are moments of strife but they don't get mentioned to DD. When younger, we always saw various family friends over Christmas but, sadly, due to various changes in their circumstances (in one case tragic and in the other two sad so not something we can ever change or complain about as it is always so much worse for them) that won't happen again, or at least not in the same way.
A chunk of my Xmas prep is planning things for DD so she gets time out over their visit but without there ever being a hint to the GPs as to why.
DS, on the other hand, will be delightful whilst they are here but then need several days to decompress afterwards.

Is DGP nice? The fact you reference they might die or spend it alone as a reason to host them, rather than you know that you love them or they’re enjoyable company makes me wonder. Also average life expectancy is only 86, so 8 years is more likely but at 78 I wouldn’t assume someone would be here next year.

Tell her if she doesn’t like it she can spend Christmas somewhere else. Then tell her you don’t want to hear another word about it. What a brat!

Aren't you assuming the worst of the teen here though? 😂

It just seems hugely unlikely to me that there's no reason at all the dd is stroppy about the grandparent is staying. It might not turn out to be a "good" reason but I'd love for OP to expand on why.

The more I re-read the more infuriated I get. What an entitled brat. I'm so lucky to have my mum still with us and she now has great grand kids; lost my dad 30 year ago.

Surely this is just family life though? She might prefer it when DGP is not there (which is fine) but to throw a strip about it is totally unreasonable. Sometimes we have to put up with mild inconveniences.

With respect, I don’t think calling her rude or a brat - or telling her GP will likely die before too long is the most helpful way to address this. Is there any way you can open up dialogue rather than shut it down? What is it she is pissed off/uoset/worried about? Try and hear her out and then take some time to think about it what she has said rather than responding on impulse. This stuff is difficult because it’s emotive.
My GD used to come over and Xmas sometimes and it totally changed the vibe. The house felt different, he was grumpy, my parents behaved differently, mealtimes were different, I felt uncomfortable. It just didn’t feel like Christmas in the same way when he was there. it can be “little” things like this that actually can feel quite unsettling. Would be good for her to be able to express whatever her discomfort about without being called selfish I think.

It seems a strong reaction. Why would DD say she was so strongly opposed to the idea?

This! There is a way to leave DD feeling understood and still have grandparent to stay.

Is it your mum or dad or her dads?

Doesn't it depend on the grandparent and her relationship with them?

I'd have been more than happy to have my maternal grandparents visiting but honestly, if it had been my paternal ones I would have been mightily pissed off as they just weren't very good or decent people.

I wondered this.

Who is this DGP?

Does DD have form for acting like this? Have you sat down with her and talked through it?

Time to roll out one of my favourite phrases: 'this is not a negotiation, I'm telling, not asking.'

Nothing further. No cajoling, just hold firm.

Well it's unusual for teen to KO about this kind of thing for no reason unless they are ND. Even then my ND DD15 is ok with other people staying as she has her own room to escape to if needed.

DGP can bring their rules and opinions into practice when they staying elsewhere and sometimes these are outdated.

If none of these apply then tell her it's happening and she needs to accept it with grace.

My last grandparent died when I was 20. All of their deaths were quite sudden. I wish that they were all still here to spend Christmas with.

Wow.

We have this exact situation, we lost my dad 18 months ago, last year Mum went to my sibling's for christmas, this year she's coming here. We had 4 bedrooms, 3 kids aged 16-21 and two of them are going to have to share so that granny can have a room.

They're excited and pleased she's coming. Your DD's reaction is quite extreme.

Of course DGP should come for Christmas. There has got to be a reason she’s not telling you. I’d suggest trying to gently explore with her what the issue is…..

She's being a brat and is lucky she isn't like my dc that have to travel to dgp and stay over for Xmas!

I think, reading between the lines of OP, that the DGP might be "difficult".

She doesn't say one thing about wanting DGP over, or that they are a lovely person - simply that it is her "turn" as DB had them last year and she feels obliged because otherwise they would be alone.

And then she tries to "sell" it to DD by saying she only has to put up with it for another 15 years (!)

I think OP needs to understand why DD doesn't want them round. If it's because they are nasty and will ruin Christmas, then I would say that DD's point of view is valid, and we don't have to put up with unpleasant people just to "be kind" (where is their kindness to us?) If they simply have different interests or might spend a lot of time repeating old stories that everyone has heard a dozen times before, then DD should be encouraged to suck it up for an acceptable amount of time, and hide in her room for the rest if necessary.

You say a 78yo DGP might only live for another 15 years… I admire your optimism.

@MrsCatE

Normally, I would say you are spot on.

However, there isn't much info about the daughter.
I'm ND and the whole situation would be extremely difficult (think planning to visit bathroom at 4 AM etc).
As I said, when I was similar age and forced to live with my parents, I had to mask heavily to survive, simple as that.
Moving out was and remains one of the happiest days of my life.
I'm 45, not everyone is a brat. (Father was a high ranking soldier, mother director of Border force).
You can imagine the sort of upbringing.

I'd buy some gifts and take her to visit an old people's home so she can see the people who may not be able to visit families and hopefully your daughter will be humbled and find some compassion for them.

There is a backstory here!

Shame OP has not come back to explain why.

I am assuming grandparent is difficult.

I would be curious to know how DD contemplates the future when her own mum is elderly, perhaps living alone and Christmas is approaching........will she offer an invitation or be influenced by a stroppy, self-centred brat??

What an unpleasant person this DD sounds.

I am a grandparent in my 70's with the gentlest, sweetest, most considerate DGC - a couple of whom are autistic and they would NEVER kick off about inviting me, or their other grandparents for Christmas.

Short of the OP returning with the key info that she left out of her OP, like the DGP is some sort of hideous Robert de Niro grandpa figure, we're all just guessing.