I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

To inject some common sense here, an extra blanket is not a suffocation risk to a child who is strong enough to get out of a sleeping bag, out of a cot and out of a closed door. For similar reasons, co-sleeping is also much lower risk with a child at this developmental stage.

Your GC was able to wander around the house without his parents being aware. I wonder if her overreaction is partly due to the shock of realising that her child could have got into all sorts of danger whilst she and her husband were asleep. She's cross with you to deflect from her own feelings of guilt.

Probably very wise.
I think it would make it easier for you both. {But expensive!}

I think next time I visit I'll stay in a hotel

I think, for anyone in your situation, or reminded of it, that is a big step. Which can't be undone.

Well my parents spoiled my children massively! They lived a distance away so we generally visited once a fortnight. My mother bought them a Gameboy once and when we got home, my dad gave off because she hadn't bought them one each!! They filled them full of crisps, chocolate and various shite. It used to drive me mad!

But you know what, they both died when the eldest was only 9, and I look back and am so glad I didn't give them a hard time over it, because they got to be grandparents for such a short length of time, and they adored the bones of my kids. FIL was out of the picture and MIL was shit, so it was the only experience my kids had of decent, loving grandparents!

Just because OP raised 4 children doesn't mean she's experienced or raised them right.

Well she managed to raise one of them successfully enough that this DIL not only married him but also decided to have two of his children.

I hear you
I have a feeling my DIL is tired and stressed. Son is very involved when he is there but works long hours. Other grandparents are close by and help her a lot though which is a great thing I think.

I suppose I think she sometimes doesn't do herself any favours as the rigidity of meal and nap times isolate her from other Mums and their support. Any effort I make to point this out though ( I try to be subtle) gets interpreted as criticism of as you say, over riding or invalidating her.
To me this is all about trying to understand each other I'm not his g Mumsnet to validate my actions. I really want to find out where I'm wrong

''They thought an extra blanket would be a suffocation risk''??
@TiredRetired

That's crazy! They sound completely over anxious.

Woollen blankets are very breathable - generations of children had wool blankets and eiderdowns until the advent of duvets.

So a child can freeze , but not be warm, lest they suffocate in blankets? 😵‍💫🫥

In this case DIL is parenting differently to OP. OP sais she is using her 80s style of parenting and whilst there's nothing wrong with her parenting style, to the DIL, she will probably feel she's over stepping and ignoring her decisions.

Taking a 3 year old out of bed downstairs to sleep on the sofa is undermining DIL and sons way. That would annoy me too because tomorrow when MIL isn't there who is going to co sleep with baby on the sofa? When the parents have to work and they're tired from a long day, they now have an out of routine child to sort out (might even throw in a temper tantrum aswell, then everyone is frazzled).

Because she doesn't need to love breast feeding (for example). Even if she had formula fed from day one to avoid getting saggy tits (i breast fed for years by the way - loved

I couldn't breast feed my baby due to him being so early and I tried my absolute hardest. It had nothing to do with my fear of saggy tits (and unless you are having surgery, then time and gravity take care of it all by themselves anyway). Some women cannot breast feed for biological reasons and i'm so grateful to the ladies who donated their milk to the unit which meant he was on breast milk for the first few weeks. I was heartbroken to not be able to.

Now years later with a very healthy and strapping DC I am a bit "mwegh" to the whole breast feeding thing. Yeah I am sure it helped his little tiny 4lb sole at the time but in a natural state of affairs I think too much agency is placed on this.

Let the parents parent how they want to if the kids are healthy and happy.

Parents need sharing of responsibilities these days and some sort of structure as they probably both work.

That said, their rules do seem, for me personally, a bit inflexible given the party situation. However, the co-sleep with a 3 year old is not on. He's going to give them hell to pay when you leave and it's possibly time they don't have to deal with that you used to have.

I think there's a bit of woke grandparent bashing going here. Do realise how important grandparents can be? And how rude it is to opinionated about someone's parenting when you have no knowledge of them? You're supposed to be respectful...

They do sound terribly uptight OP. You have brought up 4 children after all.
All you can do is take a deep breath and just sit it out.

And some of us hated every minute of it but did it anyway. The OP's comment was judgemental, unnecessary and none of her business.

Honestly I don't dislike her although I did when this happened.
It's a shame she's not enjoying the experience. That's all

Back in olden times when I was a young parent we used cellular blankets? Are they not a 'thing' any more??

In your 'befuddled state' you took (presumably carried) a 3yr old downstairs? Why did you even take him downstairs? The logical thing would be to take him, into your bed till he warmed up and then put him back to bed. You knew what you were doing was wrong and would upset your DIL. Its easy to 'read between the lines' here. The 'background ' you provided as well as the other things you have revealed are very telling. You're trying to downplay your role in this 'ban' but you can't hide your assumption of the superiority of your vintage parenting methods over the parenting of your DIL. These are her children, its her house and her rules. I would love to hear her side of this story - I bet she tells it very differently.

Not even trying to hide how judgemental you are anymore Op

Not your child, not your choice. If you can't respect their parenting choices is it any wonder they want distant. You don't have to like it but don't sit back and question how it all went wrong when they have been clear from the start.

Unless granny is presented with a novel sized list, to cover every single eventuality, it's quite possible she may get something wrong occasionally.

Nobody got hurt, the house didn't fall down, so apart from a disrupted night's sleep, it's hard to see what all the angst is about.

If its a new home, it's quite likely the child is a bit unsettled, and more so if it's chilly, which it might be, if they're unzipping their sleeping bag and getting out of bed.

Why would she take him into her bed when the son/DIL disapprove of co-sleeping??

I am sorry but you are overstepping. I am a newish grandparent of a one year old, and a parent of 5. I have said "you do what you think is right and I am here, and will abide by the rules that you set out". I have had all sorts of secret personal opinions about things - everything from not being told NEVER warm a bottle up in a microwave (in my day, you just did it to tepid/warm and shook it so no hot spots, but not allowed in the new world) to bed time (my grand-daughter goes to bed at 6.30pm, and then unsurprisingly, wakes at about 4.30 am for the day). I used to keep mine up later, usually 8.30pm, and found they were waking up at 7m in time for us all to get started for the working day, but it is all a bit irrelevant what I did, because times change, and I would not make a comment. You say "I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school. DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed" You sound like you want them to do it your way. I did not breastfeed my last 3, and if I had my chance again and had more strength to stand up for myself, I would not, and should not have breastfed any of them. I went through hard times as a result, an hour on and an hour off most of the time, cracked sore nipples, infections, never going out, being given loads of advice to "keep going it will get easier", not being able to socialise, and making going back to work difficult. And in the longer term it has made zero difference to anything. Sorry I have gone on (particularly about the breastfeeding) but they are parents themselves now, and what worked for you, won't work for them, they know what works for them, and unless there is "proper danger" just comply with it. Sorry to sound harsh, you obviously want the best for them xxx

OP - your DIL sounds insufferable to me. That level of rigidity does no favours for anyone in the long run. As pp pointed out - no blanket, sleeping bag (at 3?!) getting out of bed, no one knew but you etc etc, that's problematic in my eyes. Did they expect you to march him back into his bed, coldly like some automaton? Take him to them in their room? What did they think should have happened?

You took him out for the day & got into trouble for not having him back in time for scheduled food - but you did let them know?

I'd wager this isn't so much about you as it is her being controlling of the children. My DSIL was like this (though we never fell out), we'd see them once a year as they live in another country, and so try to plan special things to do with the kids, but never could do them. Why? Cos of nap times & lunch & dinner & bath & bed being excessively regimented - no routine could be broken - so the kids missed out on loads of stuff. Until child 3 came along and I think it struck her just how hard she'd made her own life & she dropped pretty much all of it.

I've no advice for you as I'd find this intolerable cos I just do not think it's a healthy way to bring up children. I also think grandparents should be magical! My kids ADORE my parents cos they go there and are grandparented, not parented & that's an important difference to me.

You'll get a lot of pro-DIL here cos her way is very middle/middle-upper class & MN leans heavily in that direction

Not sure about reading between the lines, considering the actual written ones state that co sleeping isn't allowed.

My MIL likes to point out things ALL the time. She thinks she being helpful too.

What she is, is annoying, negative and never has anything positive to say. Always ready to nitpick at stuff. I'm now at the point that she only comes round for dinner once a year at Xmas. I don't invite her round to dine with us anymore. But she does regularly come round to visit, I don't stop her from doing that. OP appears to be like my MIL.

'Other grandparents are close by and help her a lot though which is a great thing I think'. What do you mean by 'I think'? Are you jealous of the other grandparents or are their parenting style different to yours and you disagree?

You're supposed to be respectful crisps and cola, read the guidelines and understand how hard it is for someone share a problem with a whole host of strangers. Youre doing what you're criticising OP for. Try not to judge?

But OP wasn't co-sleeping on the sofa with the DGC. She was sitting with him.

What does everyone think she should have done?
What would your own parents do in the exact same situation?