I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

Ah see what's hard about controlling your mouth and saying, " if you want some advice I'm here to talk if you want to just let me know " instead of just telling them when they haven't asked, some people like to figure stuff out themselves, your version is rude, very rude.

And although I tend to treat others with respect initially, if they keep undermining me or being disrespectful I tell them off about it and I have no problem if it's my mum, nan, sister, brother, the postman, him down the road.... I don't tolerate repeated instances of misbehaviour from anyone, I won't shout and scream but I will have words and you will know where you stand with me, I haven't got time for other people's nonsense in my RL, if it continues I just phase you out quietly.

Perhaps because my family know this about me they tend to not fuck me about!

Why would you tolerate people being rude to you?

Op your dil sounds very uptight, rigid and anxious. But for some new mums this is normal. I was in her shoes, though I'm and was a lot more flexible, but whilst I had an amazing mil at that point in my life everything she did managed to irritate me. Though this didn't last, I appreciated her so much once we were out of the baby phase. Your dils anxious phase has lasted too long. So this is probably a controlling personality issue. She's in for a wake up call when she can't control her children anymore. You're in a hard position. I'd let it calm down, talk to ds.

(But please stop talking about breastfeeding or how you were doing things back in the day. The way you said its sad would have come across as condescending. Not everyone has to breastfeed and it's not sad at all.)

It wasn't lazy parenting. It was horrible, most of us hated it I suspect.
We were told by the "experts" that it was the right thing to do.

By the time I had my second, I had changed and did my own instinctively nurturing thing.

When it was OPs DCs, it was up to her for her house, her DCs her rules.

I hadn't expected this to be a thread about generational differences but it's interesting that it has.
Was talking to my 87 yr old Mum about what had happened and she says now everyone talks to her slowly and loudly as though she's senile (joys to come lethemalldoone)
She would tell you all about rubbing brandy on baby's gums for teething! Custard is a good weaning food and don't tickle babies - you'll turn their brain! She's never used a changing mat in her life (changes nappies on her lap)
She did sit with me for hours taking turns to rock babies, knit me an endless supply of matinee jackets and lots of useful (unsolicited) advice.
The last row about Brandy teething remedy seems really trivial now!
As mothers, we are the product of all the mothers who came before us whether youre doing it different because you think they got it wrong or you do it the same.
We grandparents fought our battles and believe me they were often against the world and the way it was so it would be better for our kids.
We try to pass on what we learned because we often watch a struggle we are familiar with and want to give you the shortcuts to make it easier.
Think I'm asking for a bit of tolerance and respect from all sides.
Ran't over

How dare you call me rude? You have no evidence of that whatsoever! I give advice to family, friends, colleagues and in my professional life, and there is a way of delivering it that isn't offensive. You should consider that.

Maybe I just have a closer relationship with my kids. They're very open with me and happy to receive advice and they seek it too.

I think I just have more manners than you do. I don't "tell anyone off" although I am assertive when I need to be. I don't ever feel the need to give anyone a bollocking.

I don't tolerate people being rude to me but I am not gratuitously rude to other people. My MIL used to come out with some utter bollocks but I chose to be dignified and considerate, and not call her out on it. I'd nothing to gain from alienating her.

Change the record, do.

“Think I'm asking for a bit of tolerance and respect from all sides.” Ok so what are the things you’ll do to respect your DIL and son’s parenting?

Their are parents who still beat their children. Her children her rules is definitely not always the correct or acceptable way. If Grandparents can find a way to prevent this type of 'rule' it is their duty to do so. This of course is only an example of many detrimental self imposed 'rules' of parenting.

I did. Answer was "come and get us" which is what I'll do if it happens again

I would find it rude, but if you don't consider it to be and your children are happy with it then obviously crack on, it doesn't matter much to me.

I'm a fair person and have exemplary manners, I just don't put up with people interfering in the way I live my life and raise my children.

Just goes to show when you're passing judgement on someone else thinking you're right there's probably many others looking at yourself thinking similar about yourself.

The record will be of the parents choice. If OP listened to it she would learn who they are.

I wish older members of families were integrated and valued better in families in our current societal structure. I don't mean in the potentially toxic way of "someone's older, therefore you must listen and respect them no matter what", but in a way that honours that they're a person who has lived a whole life, and now might be able to pass things down. It's complex and nuanced, but I definitely think the societal dismissal and patronisation of older people causes a big void between generations of families and leaves both sides wanting.

I don't think my mum read a single parenting book (i was born in 77) and she did a fine job, and went back to work leaving my dad in charge when I was 9 months, apparently (leaving breast milk in the fridge) . Neither parent told my sister what to do when she had kids, no books were involved in any of it. Just normal human interaction. You over step. Dial it back a bit.

Well done & a brilliant outcome. I'm sure you are a wonderful Grandmother & your son & dil sound like wonderful parents with their childs best interests at heart 😊

I wish people could be respectful of younger people. Now I'm near 50 I find I learn as much from younger as older people. Society would function better with mutual respect.

I agree with that in that both sides can learn. But their gaff, their rules.

In general & not referring to the OP this is true but not if the rules are blatantly harmful

Oh god I hear you @TiredRetired! My mum didn't get to experience that - she would be coming 81, but she will be forever 62 unfortunately. I don't think my parents used brandy for teething but they did use it for some weird reason to revive newborn lambs and more than once got the wee things pissed!!! We got Gentian Violet when we cut our knees )oh and Germolene, I loved the smell of it!) and camphorated oil applied to brown paper pierced multiple times with a needle if we had a chest infection!! We somehow survived!

Mum used cloth nappies with plastic pants over them. She boiled them clean in a Burco boiler and line dried them. There was no such thing as a changing station, a changing mat, a baby bath! Rice was the recommended weaning food. I remember her propping up my baby sister's bottle with a towel in her pram while she was busy! She never advocated that for any of mine funnily enough!

This is so true too, "We try to pass on what we learned because we often watch a struggle we are familiar with and want to give you the shortcuts to make it easier". It's only human to want to try to share your experience to make your children's lives easier than yours was, but clearly that's not welcome with a lot of young parents now. You're right too - you emulate the good bit about your parents rearing you and dispel with the bits you didn't like. You learn from them one way or another.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time over your grandson, and that you have had so much shit flung at you on this thread, and you have been gracious enough to keep coming back! I'm sure you can pull this back. You know now to keep a distance, and I honestly don't see how you did anything wrong.

I guess this thread is nearly full now, so I just want to send you my best wishes, and ignore the detractors! x

So she's supposed to come up with a long list of hypothetical things that might happen during her short stay, so that she knows the exact rules for every possible eventuality?

It wouldn't occur to me to ask 'what should I do if dgc wakes up in the night and comes to my room?' let alone think of all the questions for every possible eventuality.

As mothers, we are the product of all the mothers who came before us whether youre doing it different because you think they got it wrong or you do it the same.

Maybe that's part of the issue though. She isn't your daughter. She is the product of her mother and all the mothers who came before her. She is more likely to look to her own mother for guidance if she needs it rather than someone who didn't raise her.

It is your son who is the product of your parenting. It is him you raised. If he doesn't want to copy your style of parenting then that's that. He and his wife will decide for themselves how they want to raise their children. You are there to be a grandmother, not an experienced mother.

Bless your Mum. All the mum's who've "had their turn"
I remember all those those things including the Burco Boiler and a twin tub. I still think fondly of a line full of Terry nappies blowing in the wind. (hated the stinking nappy bucket though)

You're the one criticising me while knowing nothing whatsoever about me.

I've zero interest in your unfounded opinion! I don't even really know what point you are trying to make because it's very unclear, but I don't care anyway.

Yes. I agree with that. Perhaps I unsettle her although she does sometimes ask my advice we have had some really good and productive conversations.

She sounds awful. Just ignore her. She's trying to do the right thing, one day she still realise she was OTT