I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

You can still buy them! Not cheap, but last for many years.
I love woolly blankets, but they do create dust, and need to be used with sheets.

Duvets are great, but wooly blankets are just so cozy.

Vintage ones can be bought on Ebay.

I'm willing to hazard a guess that DIL's parents are far more present in their grandchildren's lives than the OP is.

My parents were much closer to my kids than MIL but that was down to her and DH! When SIL's child, golden boy, arrived, MIL rhymed on about him constantly, minded him after school, had him for weekends when his parents were away. Our three were all older. She minded them once for an hour while I was working and DH went to a funeral.

Blankets aren't allowed.
Risk of suffocation.

Not sure why you tagged me on this.
Assume it relates to someone else’s post.

I think this will blow over.

Just stay back. Send nice little letters of interest and with cut out pictures of animals in the post to the kids. Be hopeful.

After a couple of weeks meet for a coffee just with your son..
Ask what you should have done, given the boy had frozen feet. He might suggest that you wake them up and tell them to deal with the roaming child. That is what I would have done.

If you promise to be more of an observant grandmother and one who asks what you can do to help every now and again I think you will transition back into seeing your grandchildren.

I would make sure it is only in the company of the parents for a good while so that you can all regain confidence in each other.

Of course you love your grandchildren, and they love you.
Your son realises that the kids need to still have a relationship with you. It might just not be the exact type of relationship that you had envisaged.

I probably still have mine somewhere! Maybe my children will want to use them - if that's not too interfering of me lol!

At 3????

At 3years!! Old it’s not an issue.

Mothers rules.

Well mother sounds bloody ridiculous 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well, that is what this child's mum thinks, as stated by the op.
Can't overrule her.

Actually, good point - she should have taken him to his parents. She claimed she just wanted to warm him up so I meant she could have wrapped him in her duvet and sat with him on the bed for a few minutes if she was so concerned although truthfully, that was not an acceptable solution either.

I don't think there is ever going to be an acceptable solution to this one.

That's even worse. She should have taken him back to his own bed. What would be the point of taking a child to sit on the sofa in the middle of the night? How is that helpful for the parents tomorrow? Will the child have enough sleep and be school ready in the morning or will there be a fight to get him up, fed and dressed? Making everyone late for work?

Sounds as if he was up and pottering about anyway.
Talk about drama!!

It depends on how close you are to your DIL to point these things out though.

If you are not close they could be seen as criticism.

If you guys are super close feel free to keep pointing out what she's doing wrong especially when most mums (without the experience of hindsight, lack of peer pressure, and keeping children on track and your 17 years of breastfeeding nursing counsellor) would feel a bit peeved.

But if the context is she's asked for your advice, not made it clear how she wants to parent, then knock yourself out. In this case I would point out how you used to do it and then actually physically undermine her and her sons rules and go from there.

Sorry but you keep making excuses.

No one seems to have noticed that the three year old- not a baby - was in a dormer bedroom next to his grandmother. Presumably the parents are on a different floor. Poor child. Even if not he woke his grandmother up not his parents. I think the mother should be more concerned about her cold child wandering around a dark house having climbed out of his cot which sounds quite dangerous and sought the only help that was there. Wonder what the parents would have said if she’d marched him - maybe down a flight of stairs- and made them get out into the cold.

Yes I expect he'll fight, they'll be late and get the sack, and the house will end up being repossessed.

Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.

Not convinced, tbh.
You're not his mum, why did you take him downstairs-you could have tapped on their door and handed him over to let them know he had come to your room and seemed cold.

YANBU! Your Dil sounds extreme and as a younger mum myself I don't understand the whole "leave kids to sleep in their own rooms" when actually co-sleeping is the most natural and best thing. Unfortunately OP times have changed and people don't appreciate the advice and help anymore.

Yes, I'm sure that would be welcomed.

Hurra
Someone brave enough on MN to say let grandparents be grandparents and stop the judging!

Although if I ever am one ( kids only 20-23) as I have sons and no daughters I fear I may be judged by dils as I’m not their mum. It seems the grandparents of the dads get a hard time, certainly on MN anyway.
That comment is not related to anyone on this thread, it’s just an observation over the years,

My point was that quite a few posters have referred to the OP co-sleeping with the child on the sofa, when she wasn't doing that at all. She was sitting, cuddling him to warm him up. Definitely not co-sleeping on the sofa. OP said clearly that she took him downstairs for a cuddle to warm him up, so I'm not sure why quite a few posters think she was co-sleeping with him down there.

It's ambiguous from her post but it sounds like the only reason she didn't co sleep with him down there is because she got caught out by her son who then took the child back up to bed.

So I wonder did they wake and notice the child missing on the baby monitor and panic only to find them downstairs for a sleep over with granny? Don't think I would have been very impressed either.

I like the idea that the boys will be close enough to run round to their other grandparents. I'm jealous of that I guess because I'd love it
I honestly don't offer advice unless asked