I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

Co—sleeping is still co-sleeping on a couch. I think yabu. You sound a bit over-involved.

She sounds painful to be honest.

My MIL and I have different ways of doing stuff but I just want her to love my kids so short of some ‘big’ rules (no hitting which she’d never do anyway) she has free rein with the kids.

Did you explain how cold your grandson was? I don't think, based on what you've said, that you did anything wrong, unless there's a back story. They sound very rigid and the response sounds extreme.

Sorry but your post is full of subtle criticism about how you don’t agree with “her” choices (is your son not an active 50/50 parent?! - why is this all about her ?)

and if I was your DIL I’d be livid at you probably creating an over excited situation with a 3 yo being out of bed at night. Of course he is not going to settle and continue to come out of his room if he gets granny cuddles downstairs! Why on earth would you do that?

at the end of the day you clearly feel you are right, and she will be able to tell that. You really aren’t genuinely trying to see things from her point of view.

Difficult one. They seem very rigid with how they do things. Fine to have routine etc but not when it is neglecting child's needs. Would they really have put him back in cot feeling cold? Our youngest is at school and still climbs in with us a lot. His room gets chilly sometimes so we just let him stay with us.

It sounds as though she wants things done her way which is fair enough.

I would leave it to calm down then reapproach by being very hands off and compliant to the rules.

She sounds like a total PITA and he's no better for enabling her. Do you help with childcare? You won't ever be able to do right for doing wrong from the sound of things!

I'd say give her time to cool down, there's always clashes when it comes to child rearing with different generations. I was born in the mid eighties so similar age to your son and I would love if his mum was like this. Good for standing up to her, you're not a child. Hopefully the dust settles and everyone gets back on friendly terms.

I’ve bought mine up similar to yours. However the main thing is to respect their parenting decisions and appreciate that their ways work for their family. Going against them will feel like personal criticism. Things are likely to ease in a few years but in the meantime it’s important to abide by their systems and trust their judgements. .

It really didn’t occur to you to try and put him back to bed?

I would have been mad that you took him downstairs to sleep on a couch.....putting him in the bed with you would be a more normal thing to do?!

“I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules” You clearly don’t adhere to that though. You disagree with her approach and then bend those rules. Either agree and follow their approach or don’t but why are you surprised she’s upset?

Why doesn't your son stick up for you? Does he disagree with how your raised him?

I’ll have you as my MIL!

Leave them to it for a while. She sounds ungrateful. Surely she could have explained nicely. I’m sure your intention was do do the best you could to help.

Just to throw in an alternative view but sometimes parents are this rigid as it's their only way to cope with parenting. She may actually be on the edge and manages as long as the routine is stuck to, otherwise she can't cope with it. Plus if she feels the criticism all be it eye rolls this will probably compound things.

Probably in years to come she wouldn't see it as a big deal but while the little one is so little and especially if they are managing on their own quite abit it can be hard as a mother to mentally deal with things.

I suspect from what your saying there may have been rumbles of perhaps her picking up on your'we never did this' thoughts and maybe just had enough. It is thier child after all.

However I also understand you ust get to a point that you don't know right from wrong and end up walking on egg shells. I'm sure it will blow over but you may need to be patient and wait until he's abit older and abit more robust in his mum's eyes to become the grandma you want to be.

The child was cold??

Your Dil has a clear routine for her children. If her child was cold it would have been easy to put him back in bed with some extra covers or socks or whatever. Or taken him through to his dad.

The whole 'I'm not 12, I've raised four dcs' conversation is you telling your DIL she is wrong and you know best. How you brought up your dcs is not relevant. These are not your babies and best practice has moved on since the 1980s.

Time for you to back off before you permanently damage the relationship.

your DIL is saying she “doesn’t know what else she has to do” - what do you think she means by that? What should you have done in the circs? Back to bed? Quick cuddle then back to bed? Wake up your son/DIL?

It is hard when you have a routine that works for your kids and a grandparent consistently ignores how you do things (and then is surprised when the grandchild gets tired/cross/upset because they’ve missed their nap or meal etc). Couldn’t you pay more attention and try to stick to their basic rules? If it’s a sleepover at your house it’s different I’d guess but we’re talking about the boys’ home so I can see why their parents want things done their way.

Your daughter in law seems a pain in the arse and your son needs to grow a pair and don't let them push you out of his life, don't let her bully you, stand up for yourself.

Your son and DIL sound a little rigid but you have to respect their choices in how they bring up their children. It sounds like this was the last straw for DIL which makes me think there is more to this than you've said. Maybe she feels the implied criticism from you? I would let the dust settle and hopefully things will have calmed down and you can start again. Be supportive and tell her she's doing a wonderful job with her little ones - she needs to feel like you're in her corner!

It's not. She was merely stating that she has lots of experience, which she does. I wouldn't be so quick to diss that! Yes, some practices do change over the generations but it's not as if the DIL is reinventing the wheel here!!

What you probably should have done was to get your son or DIL to take charge.

They are the parents not you. I can see why they are annoyed. Try to see it from their perspective.

You overstepped when you brought your grandson downstairs and I think you know that. His parents were in the house, you weren't in sole charge and it wasn't your place to decide to disrupt his routine, however ridiculous you find their approach. You should have either woken his parents or tucked him back into bed.

I am much closer to your way of parenting than theirs, that level of rigidity and angst would grate on me as well. But you and I have had our turn at bringing up little children. Your role is to build your relationship with your GS without undermining his parents, and support them in doing things their way. It would be different if they were harming him, but they aren't - so it's beak out, I'm afraid.

Knowing she has strong views, I’m surprised you didn’t wake her up when DS came in to you and ask what was the best thing to do. Of course you’d mention the cold if she said back to cot, but taking him downstairs in the middle of the night seems like you were kind of deliberately being the “fun non rigid one who breaks all the rules” tbh.

Bear in mind that if you miss meals or naps or have him up half the night due to your “carefree” approach , she’ll be the one dealing with the overtired or hangry mess at the end of the day.

I suspect your DIL would describe this as being the straw that broke the camels back. You overstepped the mark and I’ll bet it is t the first or even second time you have done so.

There were various options open to you when he came in, I don’t believe that you didn’t know what else to do.