I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

Oh FGS!!! You really are not going to win with this one, are you? I'd take a massive step back tbh. Don't do any of the 'grunt work' - leave that to your son and DIL. Just do the fun stuff. She will need you before you will need her!

From your very first sentence it's clear you have a problem with her. The way she is raising your grandchildren, not the way they are raising their kids.
If you really want to resolve things with them both, and it does sound like you do, then you have to accept that they are raising their family the way they chose to and it isn't your, or anyone's, place to try to overrule that. And that your son is presumably, hopefully, an equal parent and so these are his decisions too.

I was actually sitting on the couch with him hands in mine to warm him up. It was the middle of the night so maybe I didn't think it all through but my instinct was not to put him straight back to bed. They wouldn't approve of an extra blanket as I've been told its a suffocation risk

You don't seem to respect your DIL. You wrote you occasionally get a lecture which I assume that is for not following the parenting style/guidelines your son and DIL have given you. I would assume the decision for them to distance you is from both of them. You are over focusing on your DIL, your son is a parent too. You were are fault. If you want to maintain regular contact with GC then apologise and follow their rules. They may not trust you as you have repeatedly shown them how you don't respect their parenting choices but it is up to you to correct that.

Why are you solely blaming DIL?

Dil sounds very uptight and rigid. A total pita. And a 3 year old in a sleeping bag in a cot and your son saying he he will take him now as if he is a tiny baby. They sound ridiculous.

Your username is appropriate, judgey. It’s not martyrdom to find breastfeeding challenging.

Jesus, she gets worse and worse! The child is 3, I think I am right in saying?? Honestly, take a step back from the practicalities - they're batshit!

A child who's cold isn't going to sleep. That's not rocket science!

ideally you could have warmed him up in his room then put him to his bed?it’s the temperature of the truck of the body that matters, not the extremeties

Well DIL is the one doing the lecturing! While the son stands back and watches his wife speak to his mother that way. I wouldn't tolerate that.

Would you go to sleep with cold feet??

I'm giving advice on the assumption that the OP wants to see her grandchildren as she says she's heartbroken. She could follow your advice if she doesn't want to see them.

Not really no. It's a new house to them and was the first chilly night of the year. Dormer bedrooms can be a bit cold and he's started to take the sleeping bag thing off so I suspect he had been out of it for a while

I agree it’s full of subtle criticism of her.
She/your son sound like they have set ideas on what type of parenting style they like.

I will say aswell she definitely didn’t want your help breastfeeding. I am shocked you think you wouldn’t have damaged your relationship by interfering in such a hugely personal thing for her.. you should have given her way more space at such a time and if she asked clearly for support, sought external help for her. To me here you really crossed a boundary and such a huge one.

There’s a huge gap between these two things; your view that you’re close enough to offer breastfeeding support (and subsequent judgement!!!) and her/your son not wanting their child in bed with you. There’s two very different relationships there. Do you see?? I suspect you are hugely overstepping (or have done and now they are scared you’ll overstep again so are pulling back).

and finally - it’s your son aswell. A lot of mention of your DIL and her failings. Your son is also a parent here! I suspect you think he’s wonderful & turned out fabulously…

I agree but they don't like that so in my befuddled sleep state I took him downstairs.

She sounds more than capable of putting the OP in her place if she overstepped on the breastfeeding front - I wouldn't worry!

She will need you before you will need her

The OP says she lives 200 miles away so she doesn’t see them that often. She comes across as a really involved grandparent because it’s hard to imagine someone who only sees their grandchildren infrequently acting as if she knows what’s best for them.

your dislike for you dil comes through strongly with this comment
'DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it'
and in the very line before that you said ' Breastfed until natural weaning.' re your ways of bringing up your children.

I guess because we are both trying and I make mistakes. It's easy with my own daughter and her son because we sing off the same hymn sheet.
What made me cross was the tone of the telling off I got

You 'wouldn't tolerate that.'

The OP is in someone else's home and talking about someone else's children.

She can either keep to their routine or they will inevitably ask her to leave, as is their right. Whether she 'tolerates' it or not is not her choice.

Henpecked hubby and freezing grandchild.

I too used to have DS in bed and his feet and hands used to be like blocks of ice- he too had a back bedroom that was cold in winter.
He did have a hot water bottle wrapped in a blanket, but they go cold fairly fast.

Nobody speaks to me like that! No matter where they are! Rude AF!

Sometimes people are rigid because routine and rules make them happier.

Your decision to take him downstairs was bizarre. If you didn’t want to put him back to bed in extra layers then you obviously should have woken up the parents to do it. Many would argue that doing stuff like what you did encourages the child to wake up in order to get snuggles and company. The parents don’t want to do that so you are potentially making their lives more complicated by potentially creating a “bad habit”

It sounds like you blame your DIL more than your son. You parented how you felt best and your son and DIL are doing the same. Your son agrees with a more rigid approach than his upbringing and as a parent, that is his choice and should be respected. Your DIL is clearly exasperated over the clashing. There’s more than one way to raise a child and it’s up to parents to find the way that is best for their family.

@JudgeJ yes, 17% at 3 months, here is the link. It surprised me as well.
https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/

I breastfeed because of all the positives it brings. Doesn't mean I enjoy it. I certainly didn't enjoy the cluster feeding days after my c section. I don't hate it but i don't enjoy it. Doesn't make me a martyr.

I was making a point that the OP is incredibly judgmental and disapproves of DIL for doing things differently. It's very strange to point out that someone is not enjoying breastfeeding. Her entire post is about how she was a better parent 30 years ago.

Perhaps. His Dad and I divorced when he was 6 but he won a sports scholarship when he was 12 and went to live with him as the academy was near his home. There was quite a bit of bad mouthing me from his Dad - another story but it caused problems during those teenage years
They have a good marriage and he really backs her up - as it should be. He was quite uncomfortable and took kids off to playroom.