I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

You're too young yet. I only noticed it creeping in in my 50s. I had my last baby when I was 40, so I was still doing small child things for a long time. I don't know when I first noticed it - it was probably happening for a while before I did. I'd worked in the same place for a long time, as had most of my colleagues. We'd grown up/older together, had our kids together etc and were of a similar age. 8 years ago I moved roles, and I think I probably started to notice it then, working with much younger people? My current manager is amazing and would never make me feel old but she's 20 years my junior.

I suppose too I've got to the age where I've been there, got the T-shirt. No matter how many times the workplace promises to change radically, it basically still stays the same. I'm sick of the meaningless buzzwords, the TLAs and all the crap which essentially means everything stays the same. I remember older colleagues from years back getting similarly jaded. I never imagined that would happen to me. I've no desire to be the complaining old crone who is never happy about anything, but when you've seen so many 'development days' where people pat each other on the back for achieving exactly fuck all, and nothing ever actually improves, so people just vote with their feet, it's hard to be positive. And then it hits in that actually, you're on the scrapheap. Over 50, and no-one values you any more.

My mum had that scenario in the early 70s with my youngest sibling! The HV called to the house and mum was asked what number baby this was. She said, "4" and the HV turned on her heel and said, "well you don't need me!" and left!

Being a grandparent doesn't mean you're specific age at all, it just means that you had kids & then those kids have kids. So that new stage of life can be from your 30's up to like 70's/80's? I became a nan at 45 & my parents great grandparents in their late 60's.

Whichever way you meant it you're crapping all over women who have been there & done that. Sometimes rightly & sometimes wrongly. Sometimes they've learned from their mistakes & sometimes they haven't.

Some WILL try & take over but most just want to revel in the amazing thing their kid has done & help in any way possible.

From my pov - when my kids went to my parents, my parents were grandparenting which means making memories, being positive, not having to parent! Rules & restrictions are for parents to instill. Grandparents should absolutely observe all things that relate to safety but the rest? Meh - have fun!!

My MIL sees our kids once a year atm & should she choose to I'd let her have complete free reign to make those moments super special cos of their rarity. NOT threaten her if she chose to comfort one in the middle of the night to save getting us out of bed. I'd be grateful & touched, pleased at her building a relationship with my little ones.

So yes - your sweeping statement is ageist & bloody offensive.

I don't have grandchildren yet so you can't be referring to me.

Don't you comprehend how difficult it is to stand back and say nothing when you know that you have something positive to offer that might help?

Being older actually should "exempt you from a telling off". Yeah sure, you can raise something you're not happy about but bollocking your dh's mother, nah. I could take or leave mine, preferably leave, but I would never ever have spoken to her in that way because she was my dh's much-loved mother!!

A lot of time this is also a problem. A lot of dil are quite happy & comfortable with asking their own mother if they are worried about something but wouldn't dream of asking the child's fathers mother. I'm so grateful my dil will happily ask us both for an opinion if they have an issue with their young children & they can't quite fathom how to solve it. I agree advice shouldn't be thrown adhoc if it isn't asked for but as previously mentioned if my dil was in tears eg being unable to get them to eat or sleep I know she would never resent it if I offered a few suggestions. It's up to her to decide of she carries it out but there is thankfully never any resentment towards me.

As a grandparent you are going to be older than the child that has birthed your grandchildren..... it's very simple and not ageist at all.

No @saraclara I won't try to control my DC because I plan to keep a healthy relationship with them. I don't own them, my additional years do not make me superior to them. My eldest is an adult and I support her choices and often learn from her perspective. If I have grandchildren in the future, they will be my children's children not mine.

And you will find you love them just as much & it is usually reciprocated. That is if this important relationship is nurtured properly.

It's all about fostering good relationships with each other I agree.
My own MIL is lovely and I've never picked up on any criticism which probably helps and she has always listened and been non judgemental, so it creates a calm open environment to feel comfortable asking for advice which I certainly have in the past and will no doubt in the future.
But I guess I'm lucky to have such a kind and well meaning mother in law, others are not so fortunate!

Brilliant post and so very true @Caerulea! And my mum was a young mum, while I was an older one, so she was a granny at 53. I'm 8 years older than that and there is not one single prospect lol!

Brilliant post and so very true @Caerulea! And my mum was a young mum, while I was an older one, so she was a granny at 53. I'm 8 years older than that and there is not one single prospect lol!

I particularly love this! "Some WILL try & take over but most just want to revel in the amazing thing their kid has done & help in any way possible."

Reading some of these posts makes me understand why young couples go off with or without DC and give up on overbearing parents. Helicopter parents who never stop!

And I'm still parenting the kids I gave birth to, that doesn't stop just cos I became a nan. I don't WANT to parent my DGS! Parenting means trying to entertain your kids whilst doing life & organising & working & cleaning etc etc.

Grandparenting means 'I've got DGS today so I'm going to do absolutely nothing but play with him whilst he trashes my house, pulls things out of cupboards, pretends to be on the phone with a piece of cardboard. I'm going to chat shit with him aaaaaalllll day. Housework can be done tomorrow'

Your additional years make you more experienced than them. The natural instinct is to use that experience to protect and support them, but ultimately they will make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes.

That's just bullshit.

If it's bullshit then why is OP in this predicament?

I think you should have asked DiL what she would expect you to do in that situation.

I hope her son and DIL are OK and that they have non judgemental support from other avenues.

Because her son and DIL are being totally unreasonable.

What - prior to, during, or after the bollocking?

Unreasonable in parenting their way? That's unfair to them.

Perhaps it's because the OP wishes to have a close & loving relationship with her Grandchild & not feel resented for the least diversion from the 'rule book'

Oh come off it, it's excessive by any standards!!

OP can ignore the feedback to respect their choices and have less contact. Or she can get off her pedestall and listen to them.

Ureasonable in being unwilling to have grandma warm him up and put him back to bed after a night waking.

They can parent the way they always have. It's just a night waking.

They aren't going to people please, they'll parent their way, as they should.