I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

I apologised but it wasn't a great apology because I tried to justify it. As others hAve pointed out. I was still quite cross
Things were guarded but polite until I left.

I do not understand why a 3 year old is still in a cot and a sleeping bag and isn't allowed a blanket. If he is capable of climbing out (which he obviously is) then surely there is a high risk of falling which is in fact much more dangerous and more likely than the potential (very small) risk of suffocation from a blanket. It is the parents choice of course but seems a rather strange one, especially from parents who otherwise sound vey safety conscious. Those who are suggesting OP stay elsewhere in future are probably wise as the opportunities for disagreement will be less. If OP only sees the DGC in the presence of at least one of the parents she can't really go wrong.

I'd make every effort to be in your grandchildren's lives.

I'd not being doing their parents any more favours! I'd stay in a hotel if I could afford it.

OP you are getting a hard time here. Lots of people projecting their own situations onto you and being quite vitriolic. However majority of people on voting think YANBU!

@TiredRetired
any contact between you and son / dil

will you wait a while and then call?

I totally agree and I don't even get why anyone would want a do over with a grandchild. It's nice to enjoy them and hand them back, not have to make the hard decisions, have more time.

I also agree that the relationship with the main caregiver of the child does make a difference to how much you see them.

On the other side, the entitlement to grandparent time and resources sometimes seen on this site needs to also been seen through the 'they've had their turn, this is ours' lens. Some people seem to want all the give from grandparents but want them to stay out of the way when not convenient at the same time. We've had our time, this is yours - I'm off to meet my friend for a quiet coffee, like I couldn't do for decades but now I can! No, I can't watch jnr so you can go shopping in peace. Can do it tomorrow though. Wait that doesn't suit and I'm a terrible grandparent for having needs and a schedule of my own?

Actually, having gc is a bit of a "do over" - only it's meant to be more the fun part without the responsibility! Except when gps are expected to devote their retirement to providing free childcare. That bit is acceptable!!

As for giving advice, don't we all do that naturally every day of our lives with family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances? Someone tells you about something going on in their life and you say, "why don't you...?" or "have you thought of...?" Why is being a grandparent any different?

I think the DIL is the one who sees her children as "possessions", ones that she is not willing to share with her MIL. I wonder if she is like that with her own mother. Somehow I doubt it.

For me, part of the joy of having my children lay in sharing them with my family.

I have certainly seen scenarios where grandparents are used and basically abused, I don't agree with that either obviously and ther is an element of understanding if you rely on grandparents for childcare bland they do things differently (within reason) then you either suck it up or take it elsewhere!
Op is not needed to that degree which leaves her with no so called leverage and her relationship with her son is also not optimal.

She could choose to be respectful kept her mouth shut in front of DIL to create a good enough relationship that would have fostered the one with her son but has cut her nose off to spite her face because she thinks she is entitled to do things her way with children that aren't hers.... could have won the long game if she thought about it.

A bit of empathy with the background of the DIL helps too. My DH grew up spending many weekends with his grandmother. When my children were born, MIL expected that in return.

I never had any grandparents. Suddenly being expected to run my life over two households was never in my experience or expectation. I wasn't gatekeeping, it just wasn't what I knew, so wasn't my way to send my children off every weekend. I know MIL felt excluded over this but I didn't feel like it was my job to meet her expectations to part time parent. My kids aren't a time share. She refused to discuss it too. It was all my fault but DH didn't ever indicate any thoughts on the matter himself, and I was looking to him to tell me how to do grandparents. Pity, because she could have been very involved. Maybe other issues mean it was good she wasn't though.

It's not joyful to share your very young children with people that disregard the routine and way you do things that keep your daily life ticking along, especially when you are struggling and who obviously has a critical tone over nearly everything you do.
I'd not want that person around me at all frankly family or not.

Trot on with your offensive, ageist bullshit. I'm 46 & grandmother & my own mum is late 60's & she'd tell you to do one too

OP did point out that they had not got all their furniture yet as they had just moved. Maybe this is a short term solution. All my grandchildren have slept in a cot in my house up to the age of 3. My cot has the option to put a side down, which I did so they could get in and out of. They were quite comfortable.

What part do you disagree with? I know how important my parenting values and practices were to me, so I'd expect they would be to a DD or DIL too, and act accordingly.

I'm a few years older than you. I don't do childcare for grandchildren but, if I did, I'd do my best to follow the parents' wishes. Where I would expect to have the say is about what days, how often, what times.

I've also read cases of grown children expecting you to provide daycare for their children and saying you aren't allowed to leave the house with them. That's where I would say no. If you trust me to have your child, you trust me to be able to put them in the pram and walk to the supermarket down the road to pick something up with them. Or take them to the park. I'm not going to be told I'm housebound when I'm doing them a favour on a regular basis. I won't make an issue of it if they decline my own say though. They can just find other childcare and I'll see them another time.

Presumably the cot had the side down as OP said the child came through to her.

How is it ageist? I'm speaking about people who are older because they are grandmother's not older because of a certain age and I referred to people who behaved in a certain way, I didn't lump all older people together, my grandmother and own mum don't disrespect me by undermining what I say in regards to my children and I don't leave my children with them for childcare either.

You don't get automatic respect because you've gone a few more times around the sun, how ridiculous.

ugh I cannot bear parents that use their children, threaten loss of contact for such a minor issue in the grand scheme of things she sounds ultra dramatic. Personally I would back off, I mean I would not get that involved but for what its worth, grandparents are supposed to be different than parents, thats the point! yes respect parental decisions but you know you aren't a cardboard copy of the parent. If I am being very kind, she might be really stressed out, unkind I'd say totally anal, needing someone to take the stick out of her arse. For your own mental health do everything she wants, if she is capable of removing contact for warming feet up, she knows she can and is prepared to use her child this way, I would apologise profusely, and back off a bit at this time let them make the next move

A child who is put to bed in a cold room with inadequate clothing and/or bedding and whose parent objects to someone comforting the cold child is, in my opinion a poor, neglectful parent not at all ott, I obviously have higher standards of childcare than you.

I'm sorry OP. I've been in similar situation but it was very short term, my DIL soon rang when she next needed childcare. Do you have other grandchildren?
If so, I would spend time with them instead until you receive the phone call, and I hope your DIL has the grace to apologise, her poor kids sound micro-managed.

Well I had joy in sharing my children with my family, for all the little time that we had. And my parents did spoil my children unmercifully. I am so glad I wasn't a dick about it.

We're not all the same.

When I had my first child in 1982 the Truby King method was what many of my peers parents had raised them on. Not my Mum thank God so I got plenty of support from her.
Expertise on helping women breastfeed was poor. think the rate of exclusive breastfeeding at 6 weeks was only about 15%.

HV and midwives who could help you were few and far between. I was good to hold my baby's head on my fingertips and turn her head on to my nipple. There were trays stacked up of "free" formula which were handed out to new mum's at 4 hourly intervals.
The cleaner on the ward who hardly spoke English helped me when my milk came in on day 3. I was a mess and weeping with a screaming baby who couldn't latch ( of course she couldn't) . She tucked a blanket around me and her just kept shushing me saying "just hug your baby. Feed your baby". God knows how I managed but I did and I'll never forget her. Still brings tears to my eyes.
That's why I trained and became a breastfeeding counsellor.
I suppose my core belief is that women should help each other and pass on the skills they have so maybe that's why this feels particularly hard.
Having had kids over a long period of time I truly feel it doesn't matter what advice is current this decade, it will change but some truths stay the same. It's hard to trust your instincts at first though.
I like my DIL and think they're doing a good job of parenting. I've told them that often so I'm a bit shocked by all this. I think it will be repaired because I hope we can all see we spoke in the heat of the moment. I'll give I a few days then phone or text with a better apo!ogy

Come back then when you've been "a few more times round the sun" and see how you feel then.

I also have a lot of joy watching not only my own mother with my children but my wonderful grandmother with them, that's because we have respect for each other, they've never undermined me and my parenting, they've let me get on with my own ideas because they know I'm mum to mine, not them and because of that supportive behaviour we have no problems.

I wouldn't want anyone no matter who they are to me around me and my children if it was a stressful event, why would I? Why would anyone?

Seems to me that women get less respect because they've been a few more times around the sun!

I don't think I'm superior to someone because of my age or if I've had more children than them..... is that what you think? That you're better than someone else because you're older than them?

How odd.

Just because you have more experience does not mean someone wants ‘help from other women’, some people prefer to work out what’s right for them on their own. Or she just doesn’t want advice from a particular person.

I really hate how younger women are forced to cow-tow to the older generation who think they know best and don’t respect boundaries.