I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

Yeah, I answered your point. But if you cant remember or follow your own arguments.......

I'm made to feel that way more often than I could ever have imagined as a young woman, because I had the audacity to get older. I'm intelligent, well-educated, contribute to society, but I am fucked over and invisible because of my date of birth. Who I am hasn't changed one bit, other than perhaps that I'm more cynical about human nature than I ever used to be!

@TiredRetired Hope you are OK. People are projecting a lot on this thread. How did you leave it in the end?

No-one will get it right all the time. If the relationship on the whole is positive, then generally things like that will be overlooked and worked past.

As OP describes it, it's not a big thing. The words she reports of the DIL suggest this is a long recurring thing though. We'd really need DIL's perspective too.

'Family relationships, he thinks, are starting to resemble romantic ones: if they’re not emotionally fulfilling, moving on is no longer inconceivable. “It’s a tectonic shift in the way we organise family relationships and a lot of parents haven’t really gotten the memo yet.”

Also known as throwing the baby out with the bath water!

We are all going to end up leading such sterile, isolated lives!

There's a huge difference between cutting out people who are abusive and cutting out those who just don't agree with you all of the time! Maybe the kids might disagree that granny has no value?

Just wow nothing. Have you read this thread? The number of dismissive remarks about grandparents is astonishing. So far my adult YP value my advice and opinions and actively seek them out. Just as I did with my own parents. The clamour here is seeking to push grandparents out, relegate them to the same zone as paid childcare, dump them into ignonimity if they dare to express a view. You learned from your parents when you were small, but suddenly when you're an adult it's all about you, and their advice is the last on earth you will take??

I haven’t read the thread but you don’t put a cold child back in his bed. She’s fucking nuts.

That seems quite transactional tbh. I’m sure if there was a foundation of mutual trust and respect parents would approach grandparents for advice and opinions and it would be gratefully received - unlike unasked for opinions which will always be perceived as criticism.

They're seeking you out, so that suggests you have a good relationship with them where they feel safe to ask your opinion. That's quite different than a relationship where you're trying to impose your opinion and force your ways on them.

They seek you out is the key phrase here. And as an adult, I do in fact expect to be treated as an adult not an adult child, especially when I am myself a parent.

It's like this. There's a whole range of parents out there, from the very shite to the very good. Same goes for grandparents. The vast majority will be in at least the 'good enough' category. Those parents have done their damndest for their children, making sacrifices that have been emotional, physical, financial. They have always wanted the very best for their children. I have no reason to suppose the OP has been any different.

How selfish have people grown that as adults, they can't bear a little well-meaning advice, even if they don't take it? No, children didn't ask to be born but a little gratitude, a little appreciation and a little respect would go a long way, rather than a word or two out of turn and you're history!

Yeah sorry but I have a 4 year old and if I found him out of bed at MIDNIGHT down stairs on the sofa with his Nana (MIL) or my mum (Grandma) I’d hit the roof! Bad move big time I’m afraid. Absolutely wouldn’t have even entered my head to do anything but put him back into bed and tuck him in, cuddles in grandparents bed is for the morning not the middle of the night!

She's very controlling.
But she has all the power.
Every mother and especially new mothers do things differently. It's very very hard.

I understand that this post is from your perspective OP but I get the distinct impression there is a lot more to this than what you have written and your DIL's exasperated response ('what else do I have to do?') to you not returning her child at the agreed time or taking him downstairs in the middle of the night is because they are just the latest in a long line of incidents.

She's tired, dealing with a toddler and a newborn and has just moved house..... now her MIL has come to stay and maybe the constant 'subtle' criticism has been the final straw for her.

In your initial post, your first paragraphs are all about you. Not about your grandchild and not about DIL: just what you did, what book you read, what you believe etc. It's very clear you still stand by your own parenting methods and do not agree with those preferred by DS and DIL. That's OK, but there is an undertone of disapproval that runs right through your entire post that you haven't been able to hide and, dare I say, more than a little gaslighting so it's probably quite overbearing in real life.

From what you've said- She sounds awful! I thought when first reading your post about 'different' generation of parenting you were going to be the one who was anti- extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, very rigid etc, as is often the way.But you sound like a loving and devoted grandparent and your grandchild clearly sought you out for comfort that night.

It's so sad they are trying to force this wedge between you and your grandchildren and belittling and criticising you, especially openly, when you've done nothing wrong.They should appreciate you taking him out for lunch for example, not have a go at you for it!
They sound like they're taking advantage of you, taking your kindness for weakness and are very entitled people.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.....and I actually say all this as someone who has had to
cut ties with our inlaws, but because they are toxic, manipulative, flaky, liars who never properly bothered with their grandchildren.

Your DS and DIL should be grateful for all you're doing to help, and perhaps you need to tell them so....

I really don't think there are very many people who would cut off over just a word or two out of place.

That's the way it comes across sometimes here.

Relationship with son is ok but has a hole in it over those teenage years which I would like to heal.
I'd like to feel closer again to him but he has been working night and day to recover his business after Covid and also a young family so the time hasn't been right to rake over old coals.

Thank God. I thought I was going mad reading some of the replies on here.
This is it in a nutshell. No need for the dramatics of the parents. They should be grateful they had a full night's sleep.

Older people need to remember they've had their turn, having grandchildren isn't a do over for you, you are not above the parents and unless your advice is asked for keep it to yourself.

Why can't you just be supportive to a new mother who is finding her own way? Why do certain grandmother's seem to think their own desires and ways should be upheld over the actual woman who birthed these children?

Whether you like it or not your relationship with your grandchildren is greatly influenced by your relationship with her, it's as simple as that.
You may not like it but honestly if she's thr main carer why would she or should she go out of her way to put up with you if you cause her so much stress?

You can't love your grandchildren that much if you think it's fine to act in a way that causes so much stress to their mother, not really, if you think otherwise it's a selfish kind of entitled state of mind you have like your grandchildren are possessions.

actually you @TiredRetired drip fed later into this thread, that your ds had been sleeping in the bedroom that you were now sleeping in, due to furniture not arriving yet etc.
( So I guess when all the furniture has arrived / is in place, that both parents will be sleeping in that bedroom and that if you were to stay again you would be downstairs in the room they were in during your recent visit. )

Therefore was the grandchild thinking he was walking into Daddy rather than Grandma.

No I'm not

I read something really wise on here, the person said perhaps your DIL is exhausted and her rigid routine is the only way she can cope.

This is exactly how I felt for a long time.

My son naps for two hours, when my mother-in-law has him for a weekend when we’re exhausted once every three months, she refuses to let him nap. So then, for the two hour drive home, we have a load of screaming.

There are also various other things that we do that she refuses to do, so then I have to retrain a three year old and into his routine.

Our rigid routine of napping is the only way I have been able to cope for the past three years.

I think your daughter-in-law is just knackered. Let the dust settle but offering to provide some real childcare. I.e. take the child off them one weekend in every month to give them a break.

Each generation seeking advice from their parents is a testament to your family being a healthy, functional and supportive one.
Unfortunately plenty aren't like that.

The main thing that sticks out for me is a poor 3 year old was freezing at night, so much so that he couldn't sleep, and the mother is more concerned with her mil "interfering" rather than her poor child?

Op, I was the Dil in this situation (except I parent like you). Mil criticised me constantly: "you should leave him to cry to sleep", "you hold him too much" "he isn't warm enough" She undermined me about new safety rules, what they ate, how they dressed etc. I'm not saying you are like this, but if you feel like your parenting is being undermined, it can become a power struggle. It took A LOT of conversations of 4 years but mil and I are finally in a better place again (previous great relationship before DS1 was born). She now just doesn't say anything about her parenting, having realised we have two happy and secure boys. She has also admitted she did a lot wrong and can now see us holding our children for naps etc is actually a lovely thing. I do think your Dil is overreacting but it's clear she's perceiving your actions as trying to undermine her.

My mil once told me she felt like she was walking on eggshells with me, never knowing if she was doing something wrong. Made me realise I needed to also change a bit. We've met in the middle and things are better. I wonder if you could verbalise that to your Dil too? As you said something similar.

At the end of the day, I much prefer your parenting and how you raised your children but I can see Dil's point of view as I've been there.