I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

A relationship with grandparents is hugely beneficial to children. People should put their children first. If that means accepting a slightly annoying in law than so be it. I'd never expect my parents or inlaws to do chores to earn seeing my children!

"Gatekeepers" is absolutely the correct term. They use the threatened withdrawal of access to the grandchildren!

It doesn't seem the rulebook contained a reference as to what to do if the child woke up in the night and went to granny!!

Mothers can act as parents to their children without being vile to the grandparents!

My kids missed nothing. But what I did miss out was having to sort out all the upsets they left behind between the kids when they left. My eldest is the only one who is able to remember her grandparents and she wants nothing to do with them due to those memories. It's not love to treat grandchildren differently, pick favourites, have a scapegoat among them, gift them very blatantly unequally at Christmas, call them names when they don't react the way you think they should. Sometimes kids need to be spared from grandparents.

But don’t love them quite enough to respect their parents, keep their opinions to themselves and follow a few rules. Choose the action choose the consequences

She's a guest in their home because she's bringing them the furniture she kindly stored!

@Cyb3rg4l she was trying to follow the rules, by not co sleeping with dgc as requested by dil!
As for 'modern times' very little may have changed since OP last looked after children. And this isn't a baby - he's 3.5 iirc.

I think if son/dil want no input and no opinions, maybe they should just get on with it and expect no favours either. You can't cherry pick use people for your own convenience. Grandparent are whole, rounded people in their own right, not support humans who live in a cupboard until their offspring require assistance.

Nice.

Not ironic at all - big difference between posting on a public forum and asking if you are being unreasonable and just living life in your own house with someone offering unwanted and unasked for opinions. Did you not understand that?

As an older woman myself, I dont see anything wrong with being expected to behave respectfully, which it is clear the OP is not. Its all through her posts.

I'd happily have you as my MIL and would as a mum probably do as you did. To be honest though if they are having you sleep in the same room as your grandchild so are the one dealing with them when they wake up then they should either give you very clear instructions about how they want you to deal with any scenario that may arise if they want to do things their way or to give you free reign to calm and settle a child in the ways that are most familiar to you. They can't expect you to have done things their way if theyve not clearly set up what to do. Also there comes a point when they also need to realise like you said that things can be different...for example nursery do things differently to parents at home and children adapt...ie..a nursery can't walk a baby to sleep in their pushchair for an hour for their nap or lie and cuddle them to sleep but most adapt with someone different or a different environment. There are lots of ways of dealing with the situation you were in so they can't expect you to deal with it as they do...unless they explain. Also being honest...if they are that specific then perhaps when you stay they should have little on in a different room to you and they can deal with their own child's night wake ups. Being honest unless you have sole responsibility for your grandchild at that time.
.if they are away or grandchild is staying with you in my opinion the night wake ups are something they should be dealing with themselves, especially if they want consistency as only they know exactly how they do things. Also how are they to know that your grandchild will respond the same with you as with their parents.

Grandparents can be loving grandparents without disrespecting the parents of their grandchildren.

Oh stop being so bloody precious!

Exactly. I don't go into my child and her DH's home and give my opinion on things that are none of my business. I don't take it over. I don't criticise. I'm happy to help if wanted and useful, but I don't force it. I don't get a free pass because I'm older.

Mothers can be good parents without disrespecting the older generation.

That's what it boils down to. You get old, you know nothing, you're irrelevant and just sitting there preventing the kids from getting their inheritance!!

Well maybe yours. My eldest was only 9 when we lost my parents, and all of them lost out massively.

You sound fine to me, she sounds controlling. I’m sure it will ease up over time. Hang in there

I'm sorry you've clearly been made to feel that way by someone. It's not true at all.

I respect the individual and they can lose that regardless of age. I don't think age buys automatic respect.

Because she sounds on edge and defensive around you, whether justified or not, I think your idea to stay in a hotel is a good one. When you're with them, get used to referring the kids back to their parents with any issue, no matter how easily you think you could solve it. She's too on edge to appreciate anything else, however well intended.

Yeah the DIL!

Each to their own - I'm sure some people don't mind waiting on their guests hand and foot but it annoys me when MIL comes round and doesn't lift a finger with anything. I'm not expecting her to start doing the cleaning but occasionally making a cup of tea herself, helping clear the table if she's here for meals type of thing.
People who stay for a few days will usually do some washing up or help with cooking - or at least offer, although if any guest is entertaining my kids I would rather they do that than wash up.
I wouldn't stop mil having a relationship with my kids but I don't look forward to her visits as she never lifts a finger, isn't good company and is always trying to give the kids coke etc. I'd have her round more often if it was a bit more rewarding for me.

"Not ironic at all - big difference between posting on a public forum and asking if you are being unreasonable and just living life in your own house with someone offering unwanted and unasked for opinions. Did you not understand that?"

This makes no sense

Wow. Just wow. How is asking a grandparent to recognise that parents know best for their children relegating them to irrelevance? It’s literally asking for a respectful relationship built on mutual trust. A great foundation for a loving relationship.

You do come across as critical of their parenting style. They probably pick up on that.
The taking him down stairs is teaching him that if he wakes up he gets to have fun. He needed to go back to sleep. I'd be annoyed too.
You need to accept their way of doing things and follow their lead.

My view is that children should to be surrounded by love, and even if my MIL annoys me or has a different viewpoint on parenting, that's fine because everyone's priorities are the children.

One night of cosleeping with grandma or going to lunch instead of coming home does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Especially as it was the 3 year old, whose routines don't have to be as strict as a baby's.

Exactly this.

From the Guardian article mentioned above, the psychologist quoted said:

'Family relationships, he thinks, are starting to resemble romantic ones: if they’re not emotionally fulfilling, moving on is no longer inconceivable. “It’s a tectonic shift in the way we organise family relationships and a lot of parents haven’t really gotten the memo yet.”

I made no such judgemental comment about 'every single older person', just the OPs comments but if you choose to misconstrue my post, that entirely up to you.

OP hasn't gone into their house and told them everything they are doing is shit! She's adhered to the rules as best she can, despite her own views being different. She just did what she thought was best at the time, and got an earful for it.
I don't think anyone can be on their guard and do everything right all of the time and it's not a genuine and honest relationship if OP has to.