I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

I’m going to post as someone who is very different to their MIL, whose MIL sometimes drives them mad but who realises she is an amazing, loving nanny and generally a good person.

Maybe I’m like your DIL, at least in part. This sticks out at me:
It's a shame she's not enjoying the experience. That's all
Not everyone is as maternal as you and you know that’s okay. My kids are older now and much more fun than they were as babies and toddlers. Truthfully I didn’t enjoy that phase much, it’s just who I am, it isn’t a shame. Having loads of mummy friends was never me either, I just didn’t like many of them that much. I did have some existing friends from work with young children, but that was luck really.

I also wouldn’t use the ‘I’ll stay in a hotel’ huffily. It may well work better if you do - if you and DIL struggle with each other a bit then it gives you space. I would struggle with my MIL staying in our house if I’m honest I’d never be able to relax.

Surely it's more of a suffocation risk to sleep with him on the sofa!

I know you say you 'wanted them to get some sleep', but is messing up the child's sleep routine for the next week or more the best way to do it?

OP didn’t ‘remove’ the child from their ‘sleep space’ , the child wandered into her room. There wasn’t any ‘secret midnight snuggles’ ffs!
My DGCs used to creep into my bedroom for cuddles, thankfully my DDIL and DS knew that if it was the middle of the night I would return them to their beds, if early morning then I would make the most of it, giving their parents some extra sleep.
It can be tricky being a MIL, you can only do your best to follow the rules and make the most of your time with them. I was very lucky to be able to spend time with my DGCs when they were tiny and I still have wonderful memories.

@Threetrees745 you've put a spin on what happened that's simply not true. The child came to her, she didnt sneak into his room and remove a sleeping baby from its crib!
And she's a grandma - that is personal. Parents don't own their children, they are the continuation of a family. The OP sounds (to me) like she's largely tried to help and support (albeit with some differences of approach).
OP is obviously a loving grandma and that's to the children's benefit.

While sometimes routines are good, this is a 3 year old child? If mum is returning to work next year childcare isn't going to strictly adhere to parental routines - I do think dil has to accept that she cannot control everything that comes into contact with her child. Being really strict about everything risks sucking the joy out of everything.

I agree.

The whole analysing what was done is pretty pointless. What the OP did wasn’t that bad and that’s the end of it.

My generous reading is that DIL was/ is feeling on edge and criticised and is reacting accordingly.

I am probably from OP's generation. My childrearing approach though was a more relaxed version of the son and daughter in law's approach. My mother who was a big help was very careful to defer to me. If she disagreed with me, she was careful to keep it to herself. This was despite her having been a nanny before she married. She never gave unasked for advice. Though less regimented than the DIL, it was really important for me to have some structure and sleep because I was working fulltime.

I think your statement about just being yourself probably sandpapers your DIL's nerve endings. Being yourself means undermining her rules as far as she is concerned. I think you'll have to practice very hard at hiding your disapproval because it does seem to leak through in your post. There have always been different fashions in childbearing. Currently, they seem to be obsessed with cutting tongue ties and that would have been exceedingly rare when my children were babies.

My first was a Velcro baby which was my "fault" - looking now at ADHD diagnosis - next baby could hand over to anyone proof it was all me with first though very inflexible with changed toddler and childhood well into teens - third child was a Velcro baby everyone shut up.

They were all different and as they aged changed what they could and couldn't cope with.

I had a friend with pfb who though all of us putting baby down at same time was mad as their first they could put down whenever and they'd sleep same amount of x hours and wake after that. She couldn't understand other babies would wake at same time every morning so if went later could be cranky and fussy all day or would need longer naps. She used to joke her next child would be a demon one - it was completely different to her first and she struggled much more.

All babies are different and all families as well - so I agree less judgement on routines would be helpful for everyone here.

Very interesting how different the bulk of the replies are here to the post where a dad was asking for advice regarding his mother in law over the weekend.

Not much of the advise from family members has been useful - they're too far gone from having babies themselves. Advice from friends has frequently be useful. The best thing family members can say is, "You're doing an incredible job. It's hard, but you're doing it well. Can I offer some practical support like babysitting or washing up"! I'm going to try to remember this when I'm older!

I think if you were being respectful about their parenting choices (which sound reasonable albeit a bit rigid from my pov) then you'd have found an extra blanket or duvet to warm the child up in his bed.

It does come across that you just think they are being silly with their rules and they'll have got that impression. Consistently ignoring their rules because you think it's fine is bound to cause tension because they can't trust that you're acting with their wishes in mind.

I guess you could have woken up the parents and handed them the child? Perhaps that would have made them wish they could trust you to deal with it yourself!

BIL and his wife are like this with their kids. Very rigid about naps, meal times etc. it’s a more American influenced way I think. I think all you can do is grovel really.

Also why did you ask to see the kids alone op, Especially since this is a fraught situation and you clearly knew it. This isn’t some sudden unexpected change of heart. You knew it was going down this route, you just didn’t think they’d exercise a veto. It could come across as let me alone with them so I can do as I please without your interference.

if you want to pull it back, I’d apologise sincerely, appear like you mean it. And put all this I raised 4 well and she’s so miserable it’s such a shame shit out your mind.

I was the DIL in a similar scenario. My in-laws never said anything explicitly about our parenting but made it pretty bloody obvious when they disapproved.

'My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons'
Like you, all differences of opinion were made out to be down to me as if I was this tyrant and my DH had no say in how the children were raised (which was just not true). It was all eyerolling at 'BackForABit's rules'.

Your DIL won't believe that her son was actually cold, she'll think this was a deliberate step to undermine her (again). I don't blame her, you clearly have form for this.

Also, her perceived lack of enjoyment of breastfeeding is just completely irrelevant, but yet another underhand dig at your DIL.

YABU.

OK, you’re being completely and utterly ridiculous now. Which is really saying something considering the rest of this thread.

Jayzus. The poor woman.
I cannot imagine how hideous it would have been to have hippy-nan in the corner sighing pityingly as I nursed my child, because I didn't have my blissed-out-doe-eyed-earth-mother face painted on right.
@TiredRetired if you DiL does allow you to visit again please give her space when she's nursing her baby. Alot of space. I'd say not even in the same room because your disapproval is seeping from every pore and you're making it hellish for her.

I have no idea which thread you are on about. The MIL/ DIL relationship is like no other though, so it may be reasonable for the responses to be different.

It's not dangerous for a 3 year old to climb out of a cot. For a younger toddler (under 2) yes, but for a 3 year old they will be more than capable of climbing out with no issue.

She's.. She's the child's grandmother? She didn't wander into a strangers house, sneak a child out of their bed like some kind of fairytale troll fgs

There is some absolute batshittery on this thread & there's going to be an awful lot of kids who cannot cope with any kind of changes & have zero flexibility.

This little boy had cuddles with his nan who HE went to when he was cold. He's not ALLOWED extra blankets cos of suffocation risks (he's 3) & he climbed out of his cot (HE'S 3!)

Some serious comprehension issues on here.

But this isn't a grandmother who's involved in his life that he sees regularly. She's an occasional visitor who rarely sees him.

Anyway a rigid routine as a young child doesn't have anything to do with flexibility in later life. It's age and stage appropriate to have routine for meals and bedtimes for preschool children. As they get older things naturally relax, simply because the children don't respond with overtired tears or sleepless nights to a late meal or bedtime

I think your post is full of subtle implied criticism of your DIL and your action in then taking him downstairs wasn’t helpful.
i would back off frankly.

“She always looks so tense”

I wonder why! 😄

My approach with DCs was v much like OPs. However, I would have woken son or DIL simply because I don't want to parent DGCs. And frankly if DCs didn't want me to be super involved in their DCs lives, that would be absolutely fine.

Quite.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5206517-mother-in-law-interfering

It’s quite obvious you don’t like your DIL from your comments on here, snidey remarks about her parenting. You are going to push her away and naturally that will affect your relationship with your grandchildren. Politely, just stop over stepping. You sound very much like my MIL