Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

@Zaina245 it's a little confusing when you start off by saying you get on well with your husband's family, only to say later that repeated (?) comments by your mother in law ended with you having an eating disorder, and that now you're over it and a healthier weight, they still make comments.

I mean this with genuine care and gentleness - do you think maybe you need to think about why you're letting these people get to you? This is not to absolve them of blame if they are bullying you but it feels like you have a self-esteem issue as well that is unrelated to them treating you badly.

Maybe your husband doesn't say anything because he thinks you're being ridiculous.

I think yabu for not saying something yourself if you weren't happy with his comment. Saying different sizes is hardly offensive, a bit unnecessary to point this out but if you are of a bigger size you need to own it instead of getting hurt so very easily. Have you had any therapy for your insecurities and eating disorders?

You are being oversensitive and should speak up for yourself

That’s your choice, back in the real world, where most of us live, we expect women to be able to say what they want. You live in the U.K. not Pakistan. If you want to live like a second class person, that’s your choice but the rest of us don’t so are going to comment inline with our culture of being equal to men and having our own opinions. I

I have family in Pakistan who wouldn't tolerate this kind of thing. This isn't representative of all Pakistani families.

Storm in a teacup.

But MN isn't just for (white) western females so it isn't wrong to post. And she's had advice from Pakistani women too so hardly a waste of time.

It also opens the rest of us up to how other cultures work and seeing comparisons is good all round.

Wow!

Why do so many posters think that MN is entirely White British?

It really isn't...

The issue is that the OP is telling people Don’t comment on what you do not understand. Thats not how message boards work.

I have no problems with anyone posting about anything, and i am not saying its wrong to post here, but you cannot control what people respond.

You obviously have never lived in a traditional Pakistani family or know any
op you say this but then you kind of have to give and take- the uk and Ireland are very different to the rest of the world in how reserved we are and the things we think but do not say. All Indian, Pakistani, European and American people I know would be more likely to comment for eg on something like your bil- they’re the same but different in their size whereas we’d never ever say something like that!! I’m sorry you’ve had it so tough and that seeing her triggers you, that’s so hard

For goodness sake, we know its not ENTIRELY White British, but it is a UK site, it has mainly UK based users, it even says so in the FAQ

Who uses Mumsnet?
Mumsnet is a global online network but most of our users are UK-based. Not everyone who uses Mumsnet is a parent or grandparent, but initially most people come to the site seeking parenting advice - and then stick around discussing a wealth of topics from childcare to chicken-keeping, and nurseries to news.

This seems like a very toxic household and not something you should have to put up with. As someone from a south asian background I can understand the dynamics but honestly you need to start asserting boundaries. You need to show your MIL and your husband you will not be walked over and start making comments back to their horrid comments. You don't need to be very defensive or rude, but make a counterpoint. You can do this slowly so it's not like an overnight behaviour change.

I know it's hard but you shouldn't stay somewhere you're not respected. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg really. Be strong and let your husband know things need to change or perhaps you will be changing them.

Best of luck in the future and I hope you know you're beautiful 💗

I think you're very over sensitive and quite judgmental, having read your posts. Your issues are yours alone. You can't blame your MIL for your eating problems. And if you didn't like what was said, then you should have said something there and then. Why on earth do you need your husband to stick up for you?! Are you not capable of voicing your own opinion? Or are you scared to rock the family boat, even after 10 years? I'm sorry but your SIL isn't to blame here. Your BIL made a comment, yes, maybe unnecessary, but none of us were there to see or hear what context it was said in. You're making out that he was being nasty, yet he didn't comment about yours or her weights?! It was a true observation, the dresses clearly were different sizes. Maybe his comment was to try and steer the observation away from the fact you were basically both wearing the same one?!
I think you need to work on your self esteem and your ability to deal with your own issues, instead of expecting your husband to stick up for you on something that isn't his personal issue.

They are thickos you cannot educate. You cannot control them. You can only control what conversations you concern yourself with and IF they are worth your time.

So you're happy to perpetuate the patriarchy? Do you have daughters?

Definitely not an overreaction. Having an eating disorder means that weight is never mentioned in a way that can be a trigger.

Stand up for yourself.
I never did get it when someone wants another person to stand up for them.

Stand up for yourself, OP! It’s not for your husband to speak on your behalf. In fact, I’d be furious if my husband dared to say something as I have a voice of my own.

I’m not Asian so maybe missing some perspective but I think this analysis is spot on.

The OP’s issues are with the husband, the MIL and BIL and fuelled by her self esteem issues and possibly some cultural ones.

But the OP’s issue with the SIL is purely about having her nose out of joint.