Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

You have every right to feel the way you do and find the comments rude. If you can try to rise above it and switch your focus to something else. You can’t control other people and the annoying things they may say. Concentrate on something you enjoy and don’t let this bring you down.

You’re overreacting. You should’ve stood up for yourself if the comment offended you.

Do you expect your husband to do this for you? That’s ludicrous to me.

They didn't say you were fat, just that the dresses are different sizes. It wasn't meant to be rude, just stating a fact. You probably look absolutely gorgeous, blooming with health.

Yes you are over-reacting. Try to pur it behind you.

That's a presumptuous comment to make.

You don't come across as though you enjoy being apart of the family at all.

It sounds as though you're either jealous of your new SIL (potentially because she didn't have to jump through as many hoops as you to be accepted into the family) or you almost come across as though you should be inferior because you've been there longer.

I’ve spent my entire adult life with my family making rude and unnecessary comments, @Zaina245and nobody sticking up for me.
Yet when I’ve tried to answer or say something snarky back, they get defensive.
Finally, I realized it was a losing battle and
just backed away.
My life has been infinitely more happy with my chosen family and being around those who love and appreciate me for who I am and what I have to offer.
For me, it was about measuring my self worth. You are not beholden to people who make you feel bad about yourself or feel “less than.”
Please try to remember that. ❤️

They will never truly respect you - you will always be an outsider. Sorry.

That's not really an excuse for you to adopt the same line of thinking though, is it? No man can "let" his wife speak. And you would do well if you stopped relying on your husband to speak on your behalf. Just because something is traditional doesn't make it right.

Your attitude is worrying. It's almost radical to be honest.

Why are people here being so fucking thick about anorexia?

It is hugely offensive that this person sought to 'other' OP in this way, which, given they know she has suffered from this serious life-threatening illness, was obviously meant as a deliberate insult. It is disgusting that they all sat there like ignorant lemons, saying nothing.

This is a 'depends who you ask' thing.

Some women will want you to stick up for them, others would see it as controlling "I can stick up for myself" situation. Are you normally quite extrovert and assertive?

Maybe he felt you would stand up for yourself and that would be sufficient?

I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

but it’s you saying this op, not his family and maybe he is happy not to follow that culture, and I don’t understand why you’re havering on about his wife then gave an example that he said, if you don’t like what he says then tell him.

That comment was nasty and no need for it. Years ago my aunt made a remark about my weight and the whole family (except my mum) laughed.
It was a long time ago but still stings so I understand how you feel.
I'm not sure ignoring your husband is going to do much good though. He should have stuck up for you but he possibly felt caught between you and his family. If he'd said something the situation could have escalated.

I understand. I'm guessing there's more history than that one comment. I would want my partner to stand up for me in some way even subtly as he would know it would cause upset. The comment was unnecessary.

The silent treatment is always ridiculous and childish.

Why post in mumsnet if you don't want people to comment

I wouldn't have gotten offended over this. If your husband started an argument over something so meaningless, it would have looked so stupid.

What exactly would you want him to say, please don’t comment on her dress size, or pretend the dresses are the same size, what comment wouldn’t have made it worse.

and the dynamic is odd. You’re blaming the sil, but the brother made the comment; you feel you can’t say anything and need your husband to speak for you, and you take issue with the fact your sil is allowed to speak her mind, feeling she should be controlled by her husband.

it does seem a you problem

I’m struggling to understand so many posters not seeing that commenting on the size of a dress is commenting on the size of the body that goes into it.

If I said to somebody that their dress is the size of a tent, you know it is a comment about the size of the wearer’s body.

Same thing. BIL was making a comment about one woman being smaller than the other.

Not an overreaction, it’s a loaded comment. He could have said - yes the dresses are the same. What the hell does the sizing have to do with it? It’s not just stating a fact, it was a completely unnecessary thing to say.

I can see how sensitive you are about comments about your dress size. Could you also be a little extra emotional due to post-natal depression, PMT or peri-menopause?

It reminds me of a story I once read, which stayed with me. Where someone asked a Buddhist monk who was meditating why he wasn’t irritated by a barking dog. The monk replied, “What dog?”.

I don’t want to be patronising, as words can hurt. But if you rise above them, they can’t bother you. Being a size 12-14 a year after having your third child is fairly typical. If you feel you need to lose some weight, you’ll manage it in your own time. The most important thing right now is you and your family being healthy.

They may not have meant to be insensitive by commenting on your dress size. Is it possible your SIL isn’t used to speaking English as a first language and struggles to express herself in a tactful way? Even if they do say things to be nasty, that’s their shit to deal with. Just remember how beautiful you are and hold your head high.

If my sister said something this rude to my husband I would make sure I told her she was out of order.

It's widely accepted that it's rude and unnecessary to comment on someone's weight, and it should be understood within your wider family that you might be especially hurt by it because of your history with an ED. The fact that the dresses being different sizes is irrelevant - it's the same fucking dress - means that he was just saying it to make some kind of point (and as most people are aware it's rude to comment on other people's weight, he knows he was trying to have a dig). The fact that your husband didn't stand up for you even a tiny bit would have really pissed me off too. He's the one person who's absolutely supposed to have your back and he KNOWS your history and still didn't say anything.

agree @Dotto

shocked by the comments
next time OP you should say something to BIL, that comment was hateful. I’d expect my dh to support me in that too.

I would say something like ‘ thanks for that very unkind reminder. I have had three kids we can’t all be size 0’

You wouldn't want your partner to have your back if one of your siblings made a comment that hit directly on something you may find really difficult to talk about in public?? Odd.

Maybe you need to be more assertive rather than relying on husband

I don't think I or any of my sisters-in-law (or my MIL) would tolerate a man trying to control what we say.

@Zaina245, you don't need to let people make snide or bitchy comments to you or about you. Nor do you need to feel ashamed of your body. You've had 3 children - your body has grown each of them and brought them into the world and taken care of them, and that's something to be proud of. Celebrate what your body has done and what you can do, rather than prioritising dress size or an unrealistic idea.

In the situation you described, I probably would have taken the high ground and gone with a breezy dismissal of any significance to his comment with something like "well, of course they're different sizes, but what a coincidence that we have the same dress, clearly we both have excellent taste in clothes". Then in private I would have told him that he had been rude, because he was, and he will have known he was.