Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

And me. It leapt out at me.

What would ‘defending you’ actually look like though? I’d rather no one made a big deal out of it if I was you. People probably barely noticed the comment as it was.

Wait. So you are English and you had found a spot in the family despite clearly having had trouble with his family before (MIL’s comments drove you to anorexia?).

Now there is a brand new SIL who has the same cultural background as them and who perhaps ‘fits in’ better.
assimilated into the family now you are the older SIL so you feel that by cultural norms you should get respect. But she is of the same background so gels better.

This is driving you mad and today’s comment was the last straw?
(Just to say that the comment came from BIL not his wife so I would reserve my ire for him not her…even though her presence clearly irks you).

Also, you're a size 12/14 - you have absolutely nothing at all to be ashamed about or embarassed about or worried about - you are a normal, perfectly healthy weight. That's bloody good for a mother of 3 (and your last baby only 12 months ago!)

Who cares whether the new wife is a size 6 or a size 20, in fact you should feel sorry for her. She is clearly married to a rude pig and god help her when she puts on weight after having children.

Please don't tell posters on a this forum what they can and can't say.
You seem very keen to control what women are allowed to say. I suggest you do not post on a public forum and then police the invited contributions.

But maybe his brother doesn’t wish to be traditional and is happy to let his wife (who has come from Pakistan so isn’t British born) have her autonomy. Are you resentful because you are English and were denied this freedom and had to keep quiet and fit in?!

None of this is the SIL’s fault though…

Telling on somebody is childish and sounds like primary school kids. Not speaking to your husband is abusive .

Yes, an overreaction. Nothing was said directly about you. It was a point of face - same dress different sizes. No judgement, just "different size".

because there was no need to say it?
Either it was the same dress (pattern/colour) or it wasn't, the size didn't make a difference to the conversation, it was just an unnecessarily bitchy remark.

It was a bit confusing to follow your post OP, e.g.
"I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know."

Are these two different people (your husband's sister whom you get on with and your husband's brother's new wife whom you don't?).

You give a lot of background about your new sister in law but then in the example about the dress it doesn't sound like she said anything at all, it was MIL that brought up her having a similar dress to you, so not sure what she's done wrong?

The brother was a bit rude, and your husband could have stuck up for you, but if he says something again just stick up for yourself! As a one off it's a bit rude but if you've never had any other issues with your BIL it's probably not worth getting worked up about, if it was an ongoing pattern of sly remarks then it might be different.

OP there's quite a lot going on here. If you have an eating disorder then please get some help. You might find talking to Beat helpful as well as getting therapy.

If your MIL is abusive, then keep away from her. You're right, if she was bullying you, then your husband should have stuck up for you.

Your appearance is obviously a very sensitive issue and it would be good to get some support with that. Pointing out a difference in dress sizes was unnecessary but I think you're overreacting. Your husband didn't need to wade in either.

It's immature to give people the silent treatment because you're not getting what you want. Have a discussion with your husband about how his family speak to you (if there's a problem) and ask for support.

I think you have bigger problems than a throwaway comment about your size

I am Asian as you might have guessed from my earlier comments. It sounds a tiny bit like you made a huge effort to become part of this family, get close to your husband’s sister and in the process you internalised their misogyny and hierarchy and now you are struggling because the brand new SIL is allowed to step outside of it by her husband? And might get close to your husband’s sister?

I don’t understand, the brother made the comment you are upset so why are you blaming your SIL?

I’m Pakistani, yours certainly isn’t traditional if its normal for a husband to have any say over what his wife can or cannot say.

So are you saying you had absolutely no food issues before you became a part of this family ?

Absolutely no issues ever with food. ?

Over reaction. You havent JUST had a baby either it was over a year ago (oct 2023). A size 12 is fine anyways !

I'm a bit confused tbh, the family relationships got really complicated. I'm not sure why all the context, of course it's an unnecessary thing to say but it's no more or less unnecessary as a result of the context. Even with the background it doesn't feel like a big enough issue to get so upset. She's thinner than you, and your in laws chose to point that out - worth reminding yourself they weren't saying thin is better at all. Not actually a big deal unless you attribute too much value to being thin.🤷

Why would you want to part of a family like that?

Would your husband having an argument with everyone actually have made anything better?

Their comment was unnecessary but most people would have just thought “Rude!” and moved on. Because of your own body image it hit a nerve. So this isn’t actually about what he said but how you feel about yourself.

You are over reacting. Other people’s comments do not cause an eating disorder. How you feel about yourself does.

No this is entirely your problem. He didn't say you were fat He didn't say you were worse. He was not even talking about you but about your dress. You have interpreted it as him saying you were fat and that this is a bad thing because you are sensitive in this area. There is nothing your husband could have done without it seeming like he also interpreted this comment as meaning you are fat. But you are not, so there is nothing to be said.

I’ll be honest I simply stopped reading at “he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong” because eeesh.

Is the problem that you have tried to fit into their family and changed how you behave to be the perfect traditional daughter in law but the new sister in law gets away with saying things cos she is Pakistani? I am from as asian background so I understand what you mean by getting respect as the older bhabhi. Does your bil know about your eating disorder? If so, he should not be making these comments to you. Also out of respect as an older bhabhi, he should not be commenting on your size.

They were unpleasant deliberately- refuse to socialize with them

In answer to your question, I think you're over reacting and being overly sensitive. The size issue is obviously a trigger for you understandably and you want everyone to know. We all come in all shapes and sizes, so be it. Not only is the size a trigger for you, you've just had a baby too...I think it's just all been a bit too much for you.