Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

I agree but I think OP is trying to say that she doesn’t feel she is allowed to be more assertive? Because she has insinuated that BIL is ‘lazy’ with his wife because she says whatever she wants whenever she wants.

i assume OP is too afraid of her own husband to do the same? Not sure as OP has just vanished after not receiving the support she clearly thought she was going to receive with this outdated, slightly sexist and misogynistic thread she’s started 🙃

I’d do it myself. I’d not expect my husband to, stay silent, then cry in the car and start giving him the silent treatment. No.

If you always let his family walk all over you so you can fit in, you can't complain if others jump on the bandwagon. Stick up for yourself.

If your BIL is more liberal about not controlling his wife than your DH that's really you and your DH's problem. Good for your BIL for not being the stereotypical paternalistic figure.

It was a mean comment and you should have called it out as such.

I think your husband did the right thing by saying nothing in a group setting. Tell him you’re upset and ask him to have a word with his brother privately. No need for silent treatment.

It's definitely rude. I'm sorry that happened- why would he say that if not to somehow get one over on you. Your husband possibly didn't know what to say without making matters worse, hard to know. But it was definitely rude.

I don't even understand what your saying about this furore surrounding whether two dresses were the same size or colour or not?
Also your comments about how this guy 'lets his wife say what she wants'. And that makes him 'lazy'. What should he do, beat her, ban her from talking?
Well I'd fucking hope not. Sorry, but you come off a bit oversensitive and judgemental.
If you don't like this lady then don't speak to her. Just be polite if you have to see her at gatherings and nothing more.

My XH was from a very similar culture to your husband. X MIL used to make crude comments about my weight, I was a size 8. I remember she once watched me while going on the scales and mocked me for gaining 2lb (she was living with us at the time). I was 8 1/2 stone and 5’8.

After not seeing her for a long time the first thing she said was ‘you’ve gained weight’ (I hadn’t). I smiled back and said ‘so have you’ and she went in a sulk and I got scolded.

It’s classed as acceptable to be honest in their culture.. until you are honest back. I lived in the Gulf for years so have experienced this first hand.

"Lazy with his wife" but got me too.
He has con right to try and control what she says, and it's rather worrying that you think he should.

And yes, you are being over sensitive about the dress size. Even if you had anorexia. If your husband had said anything it would have been a big conversation about it, rather than it being over with and you just think BIL is an arse.
You're asking people if YBU, but when they say yes you're trying to argue that you're not.

Oh OP! That was so incredibly rude of them!

I don't know why PP are having a go at you, if my husband said something rude at a family gathering and embarrassed me I'd definitely have a word with him. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect the statement to be challenged, even if it was only someone in the room tutting. For what it's worth I think everyone was shocked and disgusted.

I think your BIL has noticed his new wife enjoys being mean to you and he decided he'd get involved too. What an arse!

I think your husband could have just said 'Yeah, feel free to look to Zaina for fashion tips, she's always the best dressed in the room!'

You're clearly stylish! - she copied your dress the silly meanie!

Just because they think that doesn’t mean you have to?

Presumably because she would like responses from people who do understand??

I think the comment was rude and uncalled for. It was clearly meant to be derogatory. I think your best way to deal with it is ignore him. And talk to your husband about how his family make you feel. I'd be pissed off with him too. I can't quite believe some of the responses! I bet they'd be annoyed if someone said that to them no matter what they're saying here!!

What I'm puzzled about is why you've made it about your new sister in law when as far as I can see, she didn't do anything? It was your BIL who made the comment. You sound angry at the SIL just for daring to be skinny in your presence, which is not at all reasonable.

You didn’t have an eating disorder due to his mother, it’s down to you. You need to take full responsibility for your own actions to heal this wounding of yours, which will go back to childhood

But yeah I think your BIL is an arse and your DH should have had a word. But you could have said ‘aren’t you lovely’ and walked off. Don’t do silent treatment though, it’s not a great way to behave either.

This.

There are a lot of problematic points I could raise about your family from this thread alone, but I only have respect for the fact your BIL ‘lets’ his wife say what she wants, even if she’s wrong.

I think it’s bizarre you would think any other way, regardless of culture or traditions.

You are overreacting because you are assuming that everyone has the same feelings you do around weight. For a lot of people it's not such a loaded subject and it's just a fact that we all look different. Your BIL was trying to explain why the other people were thinking that the dress looked different on two different people, he pointed out it wasn't the colour it was because it was a different size. Nothing more that that. He didn't say your size was wrong in any way, just that you and your SIL isn't the same size so the dress looked different on.

You have then taken that comment and justified making snide comments about your SIL who did absolutely nothing in this situation. You saying that she is skinny is surely no better than someone calling you fat (which they didn't). Women usually don't desire to be skinny, slim yes, fit yes, skinny no.

I think your attitude towards all of them is skewed because of your own insecurities around your weight and everyone has to suffer because of it.

I know how you feel. I only just had a baby 4 years ago and am still sensitive about the baby weight.

I married into a traditional Pakistani famiky and I think you’re overreacting and your husband is underreacting. But also that if you don’t speak to him it won’t get resolved.

”DH, can you please shut down ANY comment about my weight, size, clothes, clothes size, eating, exercise in a group setting. With my past any of those things, even something nice or obvious is going to be like a tiger attack” - then if he doesn’t do it, he’s being unreasonable because I get it, you can’t be the one to say it.

also it’s GREAT that one of the brothers is relaxed enough not to have his wife self censor! Love it!

please try to work on yourself so you aren’t bitchy about your two SIL.

I think in your head you know you aren’t both the same size (although what probably made a difference was actual how the colours look on each of you, not size).

maybe even ask the outspoken SIL to form a team to set new standards to deflect from any weight talk

You’re not going to get any support in mumsnet as this can be a bit of a pile on! Of course it’s hurtful and Ofcourse your husband should have stood up to you but he didn’t. Now Either you wreck your relationship with your husband or get good at ignoring people Or Third option stick up for yourself. Goodluck for next family event xx

YABU in so many ways that I'm not sure where to begin.

Not speaking to someone solves nothing. It's the most childish and least effective way for dealing with any issue.

It was a put down. To everyone saying he was merely stating facts, why would he need to point this out. It’s rubbish your DH didn’t stand up for you but you should have stood up for yourself.

Sounds like they are direct in speaking. Not nice to say, but usually, in these situations, people are too shocked to react at the time.

It sounds like a weird comment and definitely insensitive, but your reaction is because of much greater issues. Do they know about your anorexia? Does your husband? How did they support with all of that? How does your husband support you in general?

I would have stood up for myself and asked “smug” brother in law if he was always so rude to other people or if he just had a problem with me. Put him on the spot.

I don’t need dh to stick up for me though it would be nice if he had my back at times…. Which he usually does.