Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

You've posted at length about your problems with your new SIL, but what actually happened was your BIL making a snide comment about your weight, @Zaina245 . I don't really underatand what the new SIL has to do with anything.

I'm also not sure why you're refusing to speak to your husband over this. "Don't be so rude, BIL" are words available to you.

(Or not caring what the rude bugger has to say in the first place. He was definitely meaning to be rude)

There was literally no need for him to mention the dress size, it's obviously rude.

You say you get on well with your husbands family apart from your new sister in law. Yet your BIL made a comment today and your MIL gave you an eating disorder? You haven't given an example of what the new sil has done or said but how much worse can it be than giving you an eating disorder?
Also if you think your SIL needs to do as she is told by her husband then surely you should be accepting your husband doesn't think it was necessary to stand up for you , get in with things and stop ignoring him .

“You obviously have never lived in a traditional Pakistani family or know any.”

If by ‘traditional’, you mean sexist, then why are you surprised at any of this? They don’t give a shit about your feelings or your eating issues. Only men’s feeling matter.

I would run a mile quite frankly. The comments about your dress size are a glimpse into a much darker and entrenched worldview about women and what is of value.

He sounds a rude pig. And by “let’s her say what she wants” I read as, never pulls her up when she’s being rude or unkind, maybe?

It’s not nice when your husband or partner doesn’t seem to have your back, but maybe ask him to have a quiet word with his brother about unnecessary comments regarding appearance. There was no need for him to remark on your dress being a different size, just a nasty uncalled for comment.

If I said the things to his wife that he lets her say and do to me, I would have been pushed out this family a long time ago

Sounds like it would have been a blessing.

I genuinely think he was being thoughtless, but meant no actual harm with this comment. As a larger lady myself, dresses do look different on different figures - and I'm wondering if that is along the lines of what he was thinking. Eg: 'The dress looks different because it's on different figures', but he has not worded it very well. If your DH was to pull him up for this, I feel he'd probably be met with a fair '🤔' expression, from the offending relative.

It's ultimately up to you to choose how you handle this. You're a grown woman and it's you that has taken issue with what's been said, so it's up to you to deal with it however you see fit. I'm not sure I'd be giving my DH the silent treatment either. It would be different if he had insulted you/your weight, I would expect DH to step in at that point, more as a courtesy than because I need him to - but anything less than, then I'm afraid I'd deal with myself like an adult, because well, I am one, and don't need my battles fought for me.

Honestly, my view is that would have been the perfect time to respond breezily 'Yep, having kids will do that to you' - maybe with an added '.. no need to point it out though, it's a bit rude eh' if I really felt the need.

There's also familial dynamics as well as cultural at play here though. My best friend is Pakistani Muslim - kindest, most genuine and giving person I've ever met (hence my best friend). Will absolutely never hesitate to tell me whenever I look tired, though. I just respond with 'Nope, feel great - that's just my face I'm afraid' or, if it's really bugging me and I've had enough 'I'm gonna stop coming round - end up feeling shit about my face whenever I come, with the amount I'm told I'm looking tired around the eyes!'.

I know she means no harm, because I know her through and through - it's said out of genuine concern (for reasons I don't need to post) but it doesn't make it hurt any less at times because I'm very insecure about my tired eyes as it is.

I'm not sure if you're British OP, but I am and we are brilliant at taking offense where none is always meant. Some other cultures are not so. It's worth considering this and how it was truly meant, not just how you feel about it.

You will always be an outsider in that family.

Your husband will never take your side against his families wishes.

Either put up with it or leave.

But you are assuming that culturally they are the same as you. In a lot of Asian countries talking about weight is not taboo like it is for some people here. There are clothes stores in Thailand for example with plus sized clothes called Fat Girl and Moo Moo and people will think nothing of telling you how fat you are.

It’s not quite like that in Pakistan but it’s also not at all uncommon to get comments from older relatives that you have gained weight/need to lose weight. Nobody calls them out on it because it’s culturally acceptable and that’s why OPs husband won’t challenge his brother or his mother previously.

OP is from a different cultural background and hasn’t accepted that this is how they speak but why should they all change because of one person who married into their family?

It’s probably better if I just stop replying from here on now because it has some how just got turned on to me ( as it always does inside my husbands family anyway)

that’s how it is inside their family, I do not hate women, it’s the women in my husbands family and now clearly his men who seem to treat me like crap and get a way with it, when if I said half the things my sister in law has said to me my in laws would have gone running to my husband a long time ago and told him to talk to me and stop being disrespectful, I didn’t know this was any thing wrong to you all as this is my “normal” and it’s not fair I’m getting blamed without you all understanding the family situation.

for context many years ago my mother in law kept telling me my legs where big and I needed to loose weight and exercise, I stopped eating to loose weight and eventually it became a full blown eating disorder, I am now a 12/14, and for all the comments even though I had my baby 12 months ago, yes I just have had a baby, to me as I am still n out even close to recovered from it, I had an extremely difficult birth and lost a lot of blood, to which my in laws sat back and made me work and clean the house the day I came home from the hospital. I still suffer from anemia as straight after giving birth I started getting the over weight comments again and needing to exercise my legs and as someone with an eating disorder this is triggering. I have been through so much and it’s not hurtful to see people say I have something against women when I don’t, in my husbands family this is the normal that the husband talks to the wife, my husband and his family where born in Pakistan and it’s all I’ve ever known. I won’t keep justifying myself because I know I have my done any thing wrong.

it was hurtful comment to me, because obviously every one is different sizes but why need to bring it up? When I have just told you I get comments from other members of my husband family which triggered me into an eating disorder.

foe context on the kind of man my brother in law is, when he was getting his arranged marriage last year, he refused any woman my mother in law showed him she was a size 10/12 and said she was to big and that “ if a woman can’t look after herself before and after marriage then I don’t want it” and that he “ didn’t care about the face but her body should be skinny”

I used to work with Pakistani families and observed daughter in laws being treated like slaves and however hard they worked they were never accepted. Some members of the community were trying to do undo years of patriarchal norms but it’s hard. Rather than fight with your sister in laws maybe work to ensure they’re your allies.

OP, nobody makes you do anything. Nobody makes you think anything. You don’t have to lose weight because someone makes a comment. You don’t have to clean the house to please other people. Your posts read as though you have no agency - as though you are a victim, a passive player in your own life at the mercy of others. Act like a victim, be treated like one!

@Zaina245 your MIL and BIL sound horrible. With all due respect for family bonds, f*ck what they think. Stand up for yourself and if that means they want to spend less time with you, that's a win for you. It doesn't have to be this way.

I'm sorry you've been through this. It sounds like the rather innocuous comment about different size dresses is the least of your worries. They've said far worse in the past. I wouldn't bother fixating on this one comment, but look at the big picture. If you want to stay married you'll need to find a way to ignore the toxic comments from your in-laws.
By the way, I know quite a few Pakistani families well. In these families the women are all quite large and I've never heard any disrespectful comments from their husbands or mother in laws. I don't think the behaviour of in-laws is entirely typical.
I married an Indian man and there were certainly cultural differences and clashes in the early years. However, we've all had to learn each other's ways so we can rub along nicely. It's taken work on both sides to understand each other, and we've all made compromises. For example, my in-laws are now less blunt when they speak to me!

This is ignoring the cultural differences. In the UK it's seem as rude to ever mention someone's size. In other cultures it's not. Here, weight seems to be such an emotional thing for women. In other places they just discuss it it in a matter of fact way, with slight disapproval if someone is too fat or too thin.
My in-laws are Indian. Whenever there's a family gathering, the first ten minutes are spent discussing who's put on weight and who hasn't. People get told off if they've put on too much weight or lost too much weight! "Look at you, you're too thin!" Etc.
My aunt is from the Philippines and whenever we meet (once a year or so) she'll inspect everyone's stomach, give a little pat and say something like "Well done, it's not too fat." Or "Oh dear, you need to eat less!".
In comparison to the above, the remark that the dresses were different sizes seems rather harmless! I'm more concerned about the MIL forcing her to do cleaning the day after she had a traumatic birth and other toxic behaviours.

The idea that a size 6 is in any way better than a size 12 is all inside your own head though

yes they are different sizes

so what?

i say this a someone who wears size 12 with a tiny sister in law wearing size 6 and occasionally we do get a comment about our differences in size/height. It is not upsetting

12 or 14 o whatever size isn’t inherently bad, that is all in your own head

OP, you've already made your mind up that your don't feel unreasonable in your feelings...
You're then arguing with everyone who doesn't share you're perspective.
If you're pissed off, then be pissed off. I'm not sure what you're asking for here?

I agree. You are a mature woman with three children not a teenager. Maybe they were insensitive but your reaction is way over the top.

None of you sound very nice.

If your BIL is aware of your eating disorder he shouldn't have said that. To anyone else it would have been a meaningless comment but to an anorexic it would be very painful.

YABVU to attribute an adult onset ED to comments of your MIL. A complex mental illness like AN is not 'caused' by a few jibes in adult life. You can't blame her for your ill health.

You have married into a Pakistani family, that doesn't mean you have to adopt what you think are their values. The Pakistani BIL doesn't think it's his business to control what his wife is allowed to say so it's clearly not his value - why should it be yours?

In Pakistani/Indian culture..weight is the number 1 issue of discussion,.especially amongst the women, the old school can be very blunt, it's very "haven't you put on weight, lost weight, your weight is the same" all whilst stuffing faces with fat fried samosa, pakoras, and Indians barfi (sweets) once the slender couples gets married every couple puts on few stones after you carousel every conceivable relative that wants to give dinner to the new couple. Your SIL will soon be smashing the scales and be an average 16/18 as per culture..play the long game. You are being sensitive and that comment is slightly open to interpretation.

I'm so confused. Which one has upset you - cousin, SIL, BIL or MIL? Or all of them?
And is the actual issue your husband, who didn't protect you?
It does sound like some of the family have an unhealthy interest in size. I suspect you're a healthy BMI and maybe that's the best response next time they comment - your GP says you're the perfect weight for your build and height.
As to getting your husband to defend you, that's unusual from a western perspective but I imagine the norm in Pakistani families. It does mean your husband needs to step up and defend you so you need to have a chat with him about how you're feeling. Choose a time when there are no distractions and when you're both calm and relaxed.

There is a south asian board where you can post. Might get a more nuanced answers from posters from the same background as your in laws.

Several South Asians have commented actually. As I see it OP went out of her way to integrate into this family. And befriended her husband's sister. OP is now the senior DIL in the family. And seems to have internalised some of their misogyny and patriarchy.
Along comes BIL's new wife from Pakistan who is younger, thinner and BIL allows her to speak her mind (good for him).
OP doesn't like this at all- she thinks that hierarchically she should be above the new SIL even though she's from the same culture and feels cheated that new SIL and her husband's sister might also become friends.

New SIL has done/said nothing. BIL has commented on OP's dress size. Yet, it is the SIL that OP has her ire reserved for.

Yes. This sort of language makes me uncomfortable. She's his wife, not his child.
Also, you should have spoken up for yourself, though I understand more where you are coming from on that point.

So your traditional Pakistani BIL doesn't think he needs to control what his wife is saying but you (an English woman) think he does? It's not the traditional Pakistani family who is at fault here but you and your own beliefs about "a woman's place".