Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

Disgusting view point

It was an unnecessary comment and a bit mean but most women wouldn’t be as upset as you are about it.
You’ve asked for opinions and are upset that people don’t agree. Then doubled down about some misogynist behaviour that you tolerate/ encourage.
If you had a baby over a year ago, you haven’t ‘just’ had a baby. Your dress size is completely normal and not large in the slightest. You don’t need to make excuses for it. It’s a normal size. You’re upset about a number on a label in your dress. You have grown and birthed 3 kids. So actually your body has done amazing things, be proud of it.

It was a factual statement. You are wrong to over react and throw a strop.

I think I would be saying to your husband if he’s not going to say anything when he knows something has been said that he knows isn’t as well intentioned as the person pretends if he’s going to at least back you and not call you out when you defend yourself. Then I’d come up with a list of calm but firm come backs that don’t involve getting emotional or upset.

Oh come off it! It was a cruel and unkind thing to say!

If your DH said something rude to a relative, wouldn't you pull him up on it there and then? I know I would!

That. And worse.

I grew up with a parent who did the silent treatment thing and I'm still damaged by it

I think you're overreacting and it's not fair to ignore your husband over this. I don't actually see what he could say in response to that comment. If the brother in law had said that you're fat, or that the dress looks nicer on your new SIL then yes, I'd expect your DH to speak up and say "She's not fat, and she's just had a baby." However, there's not much you can say to the dresses being different sizes. It's not really an insult.
My interpretation is that your BIL was surprised to be told you had the same dress as SIL so he initially thought it must be because they were different colours. He was told they were the same colour, so he's trying to work out why he thought they were different dresses and concludes "they're different sizes." He was just working out why the two dresses look different.
I do think you're oversensitive about this. There are cultural differences and I'm sure Pakistanis talk very freely about weight and size. I married an Indian man and his family spend a lot of time discussing who's lost or put on weight. If I put on a few pounds they'll mention it. Not in a nasty way, just an observation. They're completely different to British people in that respect. Weight is discussed openly in a completely non-emotional way.

You haven’t just had a baby though over a year ago
and your drip feeding you said you got on well with in-laws but then they caused you to have a eating disorder

Yes I agree. I can't understand all the posters who don't seem to get that?
Of course the comments about the size were not just factual, they were pointed and meant to cause upset.

Op I'm sorry you're struggling with disordered eating. I can totally understand how the comment would upset you. Please don't let it get in your head. Distance yourself from theor meanness and the pain those words caused for you.

Given your ed history it is understandable you have reacted this way.

Honestly if your husband has said something at the time it could have drawn more unwanted attention to you and your history, and given the bil the attention and satisfaction of upsetting you.

Talk to your husband again and ask for his support with your health. Concentrate on you, your DH and your children, nothing else matters.

Well of course it is; but any comment pulling him up on it would only be repeating the insult, essentially. ‘Don’t say that: my wife is sensitive about her weight’? Unnecessary to point out that my wife is bigger’? It would just have made it worse.

I'd be pissed off too. Your husband should have said something.

OP please don't compare yourself unfavourably to others. You have what sounds like a good husband and 3 children, so much to be proud of. Thin people are not superior to others , nasty people come in all sizes as do lovely people. Rise above petty comments and feel smug that you have a lovely family.

Is it possible that the strange way your new SIL treats you and her currently smaller dress size combined with your post partum hormones has made you super super sensitive about being indirectly compared to her in what you perceive is a negative way on an already sensitive topic?

Tbh I do think you are slightly overreacting - it was a thoughtless rather than malicious comment- however I also think your husband, knowing your state of mind better than anyone, was less than chivalrous in not shutting that down and showing you he had your back.

For me he would be getting a stern talking to and instructions to speak to the family about not talking to me that way again - with the promise that if he didn’t do so I would address it with them myself, and it would not be pretty.

Don’t comment on what you do not understand.

Don't post asking for advice from a predominantly western female viewpoint if you don't want comments.

I think it was a nasty thing to say. Not exactly going to add positively to the gathering.

Next time you see BIL, tell him you didn't appreciate his comment and to keep his opinions to himself.

Would you expect to be called lazy with him if you didn't?

I think if you were all part of the same cultural background, this situation as a whole would likely be different. Sad to say.

I hope you are ok.

Oh, come on. It isn't necessary to point that out. He could just say they have the same dress, it's plain rude and irrelevant to point out the size.

You’ve asked if you’re over reacting, then you shut anyone down who says you’re over reacting.

Respectfully, your past eating disorders aren’t anyone else’s issues.

his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

?!

At best, it was a thoughtless & stupid comment by BIL. At worse, it was said with ill intent and he was being a jerk, in which case he is a mean-minded person not worthy of your attention. I have been in company when things like this were said about another and I can honestly say I really wish my brain had worked faster to say something, but in that moment I think we were all so shocked and the last thing we wanted was to draw more attention or risk causing any more hurt.

So do not think that just because people said nothing, that they support him. If they were paying attention, they almost certainly thought less of him.

Hold your head high. The single thing which will irritate him most is not getting a rise out of you. Do not give him the satisfaction. Be confident, choose to believe that the family have your back. And should there be a next time, I bet you everyone, yourself included, will be better prepared.

their Family is very traditional. If I said the things to his wife that he lets her say and do to me, I would have been pushed out this family a long time ago. Don’t comment on what you do not understand.

Then don't ask Mumsnet about your issues!! Most MNetters are white women living in the west. 🤷🏼‍♀️

People saying "it's a factual statement" well yes but why on earth would you comment on it knowing the op has struggled with an eating disorder?! Or even if she hadn't tbh. Awful comment to make.

I think she means that if she said things like this she would be called out immediately but the SIL isn't