Am I over reacting? Not speaking to husband

[Zaina245]

So me and my husband have been married for 10 years and have 3 children.
my husband is Pakistani and I am English. I get on well with my husbands family, my brother in law got married in Pakistan in April and his new wife is slightly odd. Makes a lot of effort with my husbands sister not me. I just have a very different relationship with my sister in law, whether that is because it’s been 10 years and she’s done a lot for me, or whether it’s because my sister in law has never lived outside or travelled outside of Pakistan before I don’t know. I’ve been receiving comments from her for the last 6 months that are weird and make me feel uncomfortable and not respected as I’ve been in the family for so long and always had a good relationship with them, his brother I have never really had an issue with him apart from he’s quite lazy with his wife and lets her just say what ever she wants even if it is wrong.

so today we was having a family gathering at my husbands cousins house, and all of us where there, me my husband and our children, sister in law brother in law and their kids, brother in law and sister in law, mil and his cousin and her husband and their kids.

my husbands cousin mentioned to my new sister in law that she liked her outfit, to which my mother in law replied that “ zaina has the same dress” my husbands cousin said “ oh isn’t zainas colour slightly different “ and mil said no it’s the same,

my brother in law then turned around and said “ they are the same dresses but different sizes”

my husbands sister looked at me, and must have known I would have got upset like this, my new sister in law is very thin and I have only just had a baby( my 3rd child) a year ago last October.

a room full of people and no one even my husband said nothing, no one told him that this comment was unnecessary. I have suffered with an eating disorder in the past which all the family know about and my brother in law still chose to make this comment and even my husband stayed silent. I’m quite a shy person.

when we got in the car I started arguing with my husband for staying quiet and not saying anything and I got upset and started crying as I’ve tried for 10 years to prove my self just to even earn a little bit of respect from them only for him and his wife to be saying stuff like this constantly in front of a room full of people.

am I over reacting? I’m not ignoring my husband because I’m absolutely fed up of this and the comments now not just his new wife is making to me but also him. Aibu? How would you deal with it

He was clearly being nasty with that comment, it sounds like everyone thought it was awkward and didn’t know where to look or what to say. I would be upset with my husband for allowing his brother to belittle me like that however if he wasn’t willing to say something I think I would have myself. I don’t think you are over reacting and I can’t understand why your husband wasn’t upset for you. I understand not wanting to make a scene but he could have had a quiet word about inappropriate comments.

You don’t understand the cultural differences, that’s why you, and OP, can’t understand why he didn’t tell his brother off.

You ARE different sizes. He didn't say either size was better or more desirable than the other. She could just as easily have been thinking he prefers your curves and its a dig at her for being too skinny.

If he'd said They're the same dress but it's stretched over your massive arse I could understand you being upset and would happily condone punching him but he didn't. You're projecting your own MH problems and insecurities onto his comment and giving it weight it never had. (Excuse the pun.)

Your husband didn't defend you because there was nothing to defend. He didn't criticise you, you did.

Size 12/14 is fine. Size six/eight is a bit skinny - but would have been my size in my youth (though then it was called size 10/12). You are over-reacting and giving DH the silent treatment isn't helpful. Just forget about it. It doesn't matter. DH did not defend you because there was nothing to defend.

My observations of pakistani culture is that the women definately get thier say

It’s an overreaction but easy way to get back at them without them realising it.
When they make a comment like that again just say in a joking way “Just wait until you become fat and pregnant “.

I don't think there was anything wrong with the comment if a bit irrelevant, but I so feel that your own experiences of having an eating disorder are making these comments seem worse than they are. Perhaps, in the kindest way, look at some coping mechanisms and mindful thinking? You have taken the comment to the extreme, because you feel pretty negative about yourself, maybe?

I wrote my reply and then read the OP last post. Yes I agree there are cultural things here however reading her last I worry that OP is being abused, domestic abuse in families is a thing.

Hi op,

It sounds like you are at your wits end and for valid reasons however maybe not the reason you think?
having three kids is exhausting and baby is one, it doesn’t seem that you feel happy within yourself?

I am no expert of pakistany culture but is there anyway that her bluntless is cultural?

If she was indeed being forcefully disagreable here is my advice : ignore, ignore, ignore. It takes a lot of insecurities to prefere to mock someone than being kind. Anyone reading the room with adults eyes would know that. Let her be a child and ignore.

About your hubby, he could have saved it saying how beautiful you are. Maybe he was also taken by surprise? Or maybe he didn’t realise how hurt you were? In anycase, yeap, that is for him to pick up. If he doesn’t, then I would stop going. There are no reason for you to subdue yourself to this. People will understand and hopefully someone will serve her nasty ass back at her.

Also, to side with you, I hope after the birth of her first she is size 14. There. Let’s talk badly about her to make you smile :)

Good luck 🌺

It was rude. Culturally though I think people from Pakistan can be more insensitive than brits are which is probably why your hubby didn't react and defend you. But I'd be upset with him and not speaking to him until your calm is not a tantrum or childish, it's often the best thing to do to prevent things overheating. Just be clear that's what you're doing, OK?

Having said all that, you are not fat or big, so I wouldn't focus on that. Your SIL's behaviour obvs falls into the bitch area of the barometer. Either give as good as she gives you or learn to tune her out.

Sending a hug x

I’m going to defend you here. I am engaged to an Indian man. His mum has been beyond disrespectful to me throughout our relationship. She’s commented on my weight, parenting, lifestyle, just nasty stuff. My partner does little to defend me. And I actually came on here for advice once and somehow I got assassinated. I completely understand why you are hurt. People who aren’t in interracial relationships like this will never understand the dynamic. It’s is so hurtful and you don’t deserve it. Please consider low contact like I have. It doesn’t completely protect you but it helps.

Why would you not stand up for yourself? Yes you DP is wrong for not saying something, but you should have called out the behaviour. Stand up for yourself.

It sounds like a deliberate and shitty comment, so don’t allow your feelings to be invalidated. Keep that in mind next time they want something from you or have something not so nice said about them. Does the size 6/8 have any children?

Yes. I’m sorry you feel hurt, but you are overreacting and as another poster said, ignoring a partner is immature and doesn’t achieve anything good. You felt hurt by someone saying the dresses are different sizes, but (even if they meant it to be bitchy) it was a statement of fact and some women don’t want to be skinny. I have always liked my breasts. I have never wanted to be a size 6/8 because I wouldn’t have them if I was! We are all different. We wouldn’t all be hurt by the comment. You are feeling sensitive. I recommend (genuinely) learning and using meditation and mindfulness practice. It can give you great peace of mind.

This! 👆 👆

Then why ask people who won’t understand ?

When a man uses silent treatment it is abuse same for when women try it

I agree bloody awful no one speaking up - horrible, hurtful people

Blimey, some of these responses are peak MN.

Can a wife really not expect her husband to speak up if his family is saying crappy things to her?

I absolutely would expect my husband to call out his family if they did this. Sure I'm capable of doing it myself, and I would, but if he kept quiet I'd be having words with him too.

The silent treatment is unacceptable. It’s toxic, and if you do a quick Google search is likely to cause the person in the receiving end to release the same chemicals as when someone has been a victim of violence.

You have the right to be upset by the comments made as you found them hurtful and triggering.

But you need to speak with your DH so it becomes not you v him; but you and DH together against the issue.

Perhaps when you address the issue maturely together, he will think to have a quiet word so that you are not hurt that way in the future.

Don’t hang on to the comment. Was stupid and horrible but don’t let it get you down. I appreciate the family knew about your eating disorder and that geezer still made the nasty comment, but some people are wankers and, sorry to say it, haven’t been raised right… part of your recovery from anorexia is not giving a shit about these kind of comments.

And any way.. let’s see what size this new wife is once she pops a couple of babies!!

(Just for the record, my baby is 2 years this month and I’m still wearing maternity wear!! I am preggers at the moment, but my point is, even if i wasn’t, i still would be! So kuddos to you for being size 12/14!!!)

I’m going to say something that’s going to make me very unpopular but I’ll say it anyway….

As a British Asian, I can tell you that, for a fact, a traditional Pakistani family will never fully accept you, no matter how many years you’re married into the family for, or how many kids you have. Do yourself a favour, and stop trying to gain these people’s respect, or at least try not to care so much about how they perceive you and comments they make. Just crack on with your life and your little family, be as respectful and is necessary as a daughter in law, but nothing more.

I’m also married to someone non-Asian… (he’s Turkish)…. and the difference in how my family treat my husband in comparison to my sister’s husband is night and day. Our son was born 10 months after our wedding so all the horrible treatment my husband and I faced before and since the wedding was still very raw when the baby came, and massively contributed to my negative mental health / post natal depression…. But I’m over all that now and just focus on my little family until. I do not want to be dealing with that negativity 10 years down the line and a few more kids more, like you are OP. Fuck them off, respectfully. Don’t take anything to heart. Good luck darling. 💜

Sounds like cultural clash to me maybe. Yeah your husband could have said something like does it matter about the size but maybe he didn't think or didn't want to make a scene. Ask him to message the family and say can we becareful next time that we don't dicuss weight around you as it's a trigger.

Typical Asian family member, putting someone down to make themselves better. I'd just ignore it.

Alternatively I'd turn it around and say well, I'm this size because DH makes lots of money and can afford to feed me well. Obviously brother in law doesn't earn enough and can't afford to feed you, that's why you're so thin and eat like a bird. You can always say it in jest. Make fun of your weight, poke fun at her back. If you go in all guns blazing, it probably won't go down well. You are after all, not from their culture even if you have been married for 10 years.

Asian families like to talk about finances and show off wealth.

Tell us again that you had an eating disorder.