DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Is there any suggestion that your partners son could be ND? He seems to be very forthright and adult. I do hope everything works out for you all.

He wasn't in the room though

Well, you can't conduct a romantic relationship openly in front of his almost teenage son. It's as simple and important as that.

You can conduct it very subtly in front of him. You can conduct it openly when he's not there.

He's not only having to cope with you being there all the time when it was just him and his dad, and you were a visitor, but also with his own age and development.

Of course he wants to contribute to conversations and it's great he has an opinion. He's part of the family. He and his dad actually are the family, and you are joining it, as far as he will see things.

It's hard enough to keep up with where kids are when we have brought them up since babies, so for you coming in like this I really feel for you, it's not easy at all. But I think it sounds like what is surprising you is that he is a thinking sentient would-be adult - this is normal, he's growing up, development is always motivated by aspiration and mirroring. He is only going to have more to say as he grows up, this is just the start.

I think it's really important he doesn't feel ignored or sidelined or less considered than his dad. If I was with two people, I really would ask both if they want tea/a drink/a biscuit, and I'd ask both what they want for breakfast.

He's as much a person as his dad or you, so this is a threesome when he is around, and it should be like that. It would be so very sad if he felt less important. Just treat him like a young person rather than a kid and you may even find the interaction is nice, and he might have something cool to say, and might help you with things, etc.

You’re just not accustomed to being around children of that age. They are not babies anymore and they have to figure out where they belong in the family dynamics. You will have to keep certain conversations out of earshot. You also need to treat him as if he were your own child in certain circumstances, e.g. offer him a biscuit along with his dad, and ask what he would like for breakfast. He needs to know you want him around and that you care about him.

I wonder if perhaps your focus is on the wrong people (dp's son, and yourself).

This is your first relationship, and you're now living with your partner and his almost teenager.

A previous reply said that it sounded like there may be an age gap, and some sort of differential power dynamic at play in your relationship with dp.

So it was very interesting that you've chosen to write that he's "your world", then quantify that with the fact that you were in a dark place when you met him, and that you owe him a lot.

It sounds like your dp has happily slipped you into the traditional domestic role, and hasn't been making the effort to step in to situations you've had with his son.

You've also mentioned that you're now spending less time with your dp than before you moved in - how on Earth has that happened?!

If you used to spend a Tues and Sat together before you moved in, why has that changed?

I'm not expecting a response to this, but if you do pop back I would just urge you to take some real time to consider what you want from a romantic relationship, and what you would want from a husband, or the potential father of any future children.

You don't owe anybody anything, except yourself.

A previous reply said that it sounded like there may be an age gap, and some sort of differential power dynamic at play in your relationship with dp.

It's funny you said that. I typed but didn't post the below

I think what I am trying to say is that I wonder if you have an unequal dynamic with your DP where you do domestic things to make him happy and the SS expecting the same exposes that.

Or to put it another way, does the DP speak disrespectfully to her as well, and the SS copies that, it just seems more jarring from a 12 year old

Umm I don't have children and I can tell you the poor lad needs to be included in everything it's his home, his father and you are a rather recent interloper . You will find when he hits 13 ish he won't want to be talking to anyone anymore anyway . Even then please please please ask him if he wants orneeds anything as he is still a child , in fact at times he is a little little boy inside and he is feeling excluded , that little boy inside will be breaking.

Totally agree. When he is 13 he will disappear, these short years between sort of 10 and a half and 12+ are when he'll suddenly be open and communicative and share lots of new thoughts and more grown up reflections that he's having, then he'll go in his room and not come out until he's at least 15. So actually this is a really special time and his character and contribution and enthusiasm should be cherished.

Your DP is a father. Before anything else. And not your father. Sorry to be so direct, but where children are concerned, the parent has an adult and prior responsibility to his child, and although we all find it uncomfortable and upsetting sometimes, we really do need to rise to the job and work around the child and support the partner's parenting.

I think I understand what you mean, it’s that the familiarity you have with a partner with those little things he feels like he should have too.
but that is very common with kids that age, they want to be one of the grown ups and they want to be involved with everything. He’s just finding his new normal that involves you

It’s his house, he has as much right to share his views as anyone else.
I don’t understand offering one person breakfast and not another in the house. Seems rude.
He is a child and probably wondering where he fits in now and you excluding him isn’t going to make him feel like he fits in at all.
Certain conversations shouldn’t take place around kids, that’s standard, so you wait until they’re asleep, at school or busy with friends to have those Conversations. Kids always want to join in with adults. It’s not unusual.
I feel bad for him tbh

I honestly think you should just move out again. You’re the one that changed the family dynamic! If you move in to a child’s home then you are by default in some kind of relationship with them. This 12 year old if feeling pushed out and is asserting their presence in the family which he shouldn’t have to do, as the adult you should be including them in everything already.
your behaviour and your attitude could be extremely damaging towards this poor child.

If your DH asked for a biscuit would you tell him to get it himself while offering one to someone else? That sounds unbelievably mean. Poor kid.

I don’t actually know anyone who does this! We get our own drinks…

But you ARE in a relationship with both of them. His son isn’t an adult who has moved out. He’s a 12 year old child and you’ve moved into his house. You’re his stepmother, maybe not legally but in practicality. If you offer your partner something and ignore the child of course he feels left out? Saying “you can get your own biscuit” is just petty. Imagine I’m at my mother in laws house and she makes my husband a brew and when I ask says “you are welcome to get your own”. It’s rude and shows I’m less important than him. This is a child feeling very left out and you expecting to be a casual acquaintance of his while living in his family home and dating his dad is unrealistic . Him and his kid are a package deal.

He's been there for 11 years and you moved in a year ago. You are now a family of 3. As much as possible you need to operate as a family. He is trying to belong, and offering his opinions - kids do this - it's how they learn. How would you feel if he made drinks just for his dad and himself?

Wheres his mum?

I was an unwanted stepchild 10 months after my mum passed away.

I can imagine my stepmother saying the same kind of stuff, I was deeply insecure and just wanted my dad.

Offer the kid a drink and a biscuit, you need to make him feel included as its his home too.

The DP needs to set some boundaries for his kid as things have changed. Doesn’t mean he loves his kid any less. Could the kid be ND?

my 15 yo DS is in bed by 10pm. I don’t care if he is awake and reading (no phone) but he needs to rest for school. I also need to have some time by myself and also with DH.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread apart from your OP, it sounds like you are excluding him. He will always remember this. You are the adult. He is the child. Make more of an effort with him. He is part of the family and was there before you were. Make more of an effort with him.

Why is everyone clinging onto this biscuit. 🤣.

100% this. Also chipping in is how kids learn to & practice, how to discuss, negotiate, compromise and disagree.

As for the biscuit, personally it seems weird to only give one person a biscuit if there are other people present. Teens are especially sensitive (as well as hard work!!) & to actively exclude them seems unnecessary .. personally I'd be offering them first.

It's hard enough parenting as a biological mother & negotiating parenting/house rules with a biological father ..kids push boundaries you don't t even know you've got & as for the difference in personal parenting values!! So I can only imagine the difficulty parenting someone else's teen without youth/child experience.

If you decide to stay in the house & give it another go, maybe think about doing a parenting programme with your local authority or watch some YouTube videos ..I'm found them very helpful .It's certainly not easy! Good luck 🥰

You are in a relationship with both of them. You moved into his home, not the other way around. It sounds more like you don’t understand the dynamic in the house and you are taking a very ‘children should be seen and not heard’ stance.

When he is an adult, if he still lives with you and makes 2 cuppas without asking you I’d imagine you feel the same.

His kid will always come b4 u, strange u rnt offering him a biscuit or food.

I agree with this totally. Teenage years are hard, and he is trying to find his place as he grows into adolescence. Some of those interruptions about 'adult' things maybe his way of asking for explanations or clarifying understanding. He is also beginning to flex his muscles against his father. Firm rules and boundaries are the key. Bring him Into the conversation about making them. Be honest about your possible ND. Get everyone to talk about expectations and what can be done by the others to help manage them. Write these ideas/rules down; you lead by example and keep them. He does need to be treated more towards being a potential adult. This period is difficult for most families. They key is communication. Maybe schedule a family "revue" pizza night (or other treat) where you discuss in broad terms the past month and what the pinch points might be in the following month, or just call it a family scheduling get together where you discuss diaries and upcoming events and gently look back on the previous month. Whatever you call it, just make time for you to all talk together and all be heard.