Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

639 replies

Dpmn553 · 10/11/2024 11:33

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

OP posts:
kerstina · 12/11/2024 08:53

Is it possible he has a crush on you ? I am not sure I have ever read about that situation on MM but it does sound like he is wanting your attention a lot and that is definitely boundary crossing talking about sex. Glad his dad put him right!

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 12/11/2024 08:58

user1471517057 · 12/11/2024 07:57

Going entirely against the grain here with my advice here but I identify deeply with your scenario OP.
I moved in with my partner and his daughter 10 years ago when she was 11. She is an only child and he had residence so the two very much came as a unit.

As someone without kids it was quite difficult to grasp how the child is the centre of the parents world and they will
literally drop everything to find a jumper, get a biscuit, locate a school bag, doing anything and everything their child requires regardless of what they are doing in that moment. You and your needs quite frequently and rightly don’t come first in the way they do in a relationship without children.

The parent and child have developed their own world and the child is often used to being consulted/part of the decision making in things that seem adult. My partner took his daughter with him everywhere so she was more accustomed to conversing with adults than children and didn’t see anything off at all about interjecting into conversations and offering opinions. It’s partly that and also the only child thing.

I realised that I had been misdirecting my annoyance and I was angry at a child who was just living the way she always had and that I needed to work out a way to exist in their world but also my partner needed to help make that happen. I resolved to talk to him about things I found tricky e.g no bedtime so not being able to have any adult time in the evenings to chat or watch tv we liked. Your partner needs to be the one to reassure his son you are not a threat whilst also understanding he invited this change into their lives by agreeing to you moving in and some work needs to be done to make it viable.

A great deal depends on whether your partner is the sort of person to consider maybe there could be some boundaries implemented so no one is ‘ruling the roost’ per se but everyone needs to be comfortable in their own home. Maybe he is or maybe he’s the sort of person who will defend his parenting/their set up to the end or he might be open minded enough to consider your views.
A lot of it is how you convey that to him also. Demanding change and issuing ultimatums can be counter productive and helps no one. Trying to frame it as ‘ it might be helpful if DS got to bed a bit earlier given he’s always tired in the morning.’
One of my major bug bears was my SD would always go to sit in the front seat of the car when we went anywhere together and looked miffed when I suggested she get in the back.
My partner was oblivious and in fairness my SD didn’t get it at all as she was just doing what she had always done. I had to put my annoyance aside and explain to my partner it was infantilising and felt disrespectful to me. Once he knew that he had no issue saying ‘in the back’ to SD which she happily did. But it took me to express it in a way that was non confrontational and me acting like a child.

When you have yet to experience having children yourself it can often feel like parents are being ‘indulgent’. I realised if SD had been my child I would have had no issue prioritising her over a partner like my other half was doing and what was actually happening was I was annoyed I was second in the pecking order, she would always come before me.

If your partner is otherwise good and your relationship is healthy then adjust your thinking and work on boundaries for DS.
We had lots of difficult conversations over the last ten years but in reality I adore my SD and I came to realise she made me a better less self centred person, I was the privileged one to be in her life, she let me into her home and taught me how to put someone else’s needs in front of my own.

I often think now how being a step parent can be really good experience if you want to have your own children. Before you actually have one you get a chance to see who you are as a parent and how ready you are to no longer be the top priority.

good luck and one final word, sometimes you really just need to let them get on with whatever it is you don’t like/agree with. The phrase, ‘not my monkey, not my circus’ came in very handy a few times over the years.

OP I know you've had enough now of reading posts from people who have only read your first post and just want to jump on you with their big boots on, but please read this one.
She gets it.
Also:
DPs son is a funny mix of child and would be adult. DP has probably been treating him as more adult than he is because there's always been just the two of them.
The comments to you (and only you) about hearing you having sex were inappropriate. He's definitely pushing boundaries with you, which makes the demands for biscuits etc take on a different light. He's in secondary school, he could be getting exposed to all sorts of misogynistic ideas there or online and he's trying it out on you.
He might just be a kid testing the boundaries, or he might be a bit of a shit. Some twelve year olds are.

LoveLifeBeHappy · 12/11/2024 09:09

HappyintheHills · 10/11/2024 11:45

He’s hoping you’ll treat him like another person.
You have been inserted into his relationship with his father and it’s you that isn’t getting the vibe of the home.

This.

Children are part of the package, and their needs and behaviours are naturally part of the relationship. This is why some people choose to date others without kids, so they can avoid these challenges if they're not ready for them

pinkgrevillea · 12/11/2024 09:13

In the weeks after I moved in, he made me get up from the dining table whilst we were eating dinner to get him a glass of water. Not knowing what's normal, although taken a back slightly, I did this for a while before telling my DP I felt uncomfortable with it being a frequent request whilst we were sat having dinner, and with the kitchen and dining room being open plan, he could have easily gone himself.

In this example I think he could have got it himself, but I can see you would have felt obliged, and also perhaps he was pushing his luck.

I have a child of a similar age and they are demanding. He does need to be in bed earlier, too, at that age. I think your partner needs to take on board some of this and give him firmer boundaries. Kids of this age love to be included but they also need a lot of parenting/guidance.

Bibi12 · 12/11/2024 09:19

Putting a child first doesn't mean pandering to their every whim. Actually doing that is very selfish and only serves the parent who is more concerned with being liked or not having to deal with upsetting emotions.
Putting a child first means prioritising their developmental needs and that includes love , safety but also boundaries, teaching independence and understanding of consequences.

Often step parents don't understand that children are not adults. They have different needs and they don't have maturity to know how to behave all the time. Then that is exacerbated by that fact that most parents just don't parent their children very well. People often don't understand that raising a well rounded child means beings very consistent and patient. That takes work, confrontation with big emotions, push back and results are not instant. It takes time to learn and mature ater all!

So I think the problem lies on both sides. Step parents with unrealistic expectations and parents who are lazy at parenting or afraid of proper parenting.

And in the end it's parent's job to make sure the person who they are moving in is a right parental figure for their children.

WinterBones · 12/11/2024 09:27

my 18yo and 15yo have never asked for drinks in the middle of dinner.. because part of setting the table is making sure everyone has a drink...

edited to add: my now 31yo step daughter didn't either for the same reason.

Are there really parents out there who don't put drinks out for people during meal times before you all sit down?

Annabella92 · 12/11/2024 09:30

Poor kid, it's obvious to him you would rather he wasn't there.

Pippyls67 · 12/11/2024 09:43

CleaningAngel · 12/11/2024 06:41

That's not normal behaviour asking about sex at all, he's a jealous brat thst needs boundaries, throwing a tantrum because you shared a bed ffs.
Move out ASAP and see where it goes from there, I will guess it will be worse as little lord fontleroy will see it as he had won.
Slightly different and long story cut short but when I was 38 my dear mother died, my father very soon met another woman, she made him choose her or me/my sister.
He chose her, and via solicitors letter told us his life had taken a change in direction we didn't feature in it anymore and we were disinherited. We have never seen or spoken to him since.

Show quote history

I am extremely sorry that happened to you. You had a raw deal. Horribly undermining for you as a child. Nevertheless you are wrong in your assessment of this lad. He’s acting out because he’s hurt. He feels deliberately marginalised in his own ‘family’. That is as traumatic as anything you went through I’m afraid. She will really damage him mentally in the long run if she persists.

Original poster
Dpmn553 · 12/11/2024 09:44

WinterBones · 12/11/2024 09:27

my 18yo and 15yo have never asked for drinks in the middle of dinner.. because part of setting the table is making sure everyone has a drink...

edited to add: my now 31yo step daughter didn't either for the same reason.

Are there really parents out there who don't put drinks out for people during meal times before you all sit down?

Edited

You're assuming I didn't set the table with drinks for everyone in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dpmn553 · 12/11/2024 09:45

JasperBoo · 12/11/2024 00:45

I would take a breath before you decide to move out, you're not meant to miraculously know how to be a family from day one.

Conversations about bed times can be had, and maybe about regular date nights for the pair of you to get some quality time; around fun activities that work for the 3 of you together, so you can start to find ways to enjoy being a family going forward; and there's nothing wrong with you planning in some time for yourself too - book in a spa with your friends or a cocktail night to let off some steam!

Families focus on kids first. That's just the way it is. So you need to get your head around that. But it doesn't mean you go by the wayside. It means that you get the experience the joys and tribulations of being a family.

All the stuff about biscuits and water is just noise isn't it. Your day to day life just looks different to what you were expecting and it's a shock to the system, but it doesn't sound irretrievable at all. Different could end up being amazing!

Just put your stepson front and centre of your thoughts for a while, as you create your new family routines. It's your job to be proactive in this situation.

Rather than waiting for him to insert himself into conversations, maybe preempt this by actively asking for his input, kids can come out with the weirdest stuff, he may make you smile! And if you need to have a private conversation, do it away from him so you can talk properly. Or if you want to just have a chat with friends stopping in for coffee without interruptions, then organise for him to have a friend round at the same time.

Rather than getting his water on demand, create a new habit of having a large jug and glasses on the table and that can be his thing to do at each meal.

You get the idea.

Plan ahead, communicate, create new routines that work for all of you, and most importantly have fun being a family. It's a gift.

Thank you so much for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dpmn553 · 12/11/2024 09:46

user1471517057 · 12/11/2024 07:57

Going entirely against the grain here with my advice here but I identify deeply with your scenario OP.
I moved in with my partner and his daughter 10 years ago when she was 11. She is an only child and he had residence so the two very much came as a unit.

As someone without kids it was quite difficult to grasp how the child is the centre of the parents world and they will
literally drop everything to find a jumper, get a biscuit, locate a school bag, doing anything and everything their child requires regardless of what they are doing in that moment. You and your needs quite frequently and rightly don’t come first in the way they do in a relationship without children.

The parent and child have developed their own world and the child is often used to being consulted/part of the decision making in things that seem adult. My partner took his daughter with him everywhere so she was more accustomed to conversing with adults than children and didn’t see anything off at all about interjecting into conversations and offering opinions. It’s partly that and also the only child thing.

I realised that I had been misdirecting my annoyance and I was angry at a child who was just living the way she always had and that I needed to work out a way to exist in their world but also my partner needed to help make that happen. I resolved to talk to him about things I found tricky e.g no bedtime so not being able to have any adult time in the evenings to chat or watch tv we liked. Your partner needs to be the one to reassure his son you are not a threat whilst also understanding he invited this change into their lives by agreeing to you moving in and some work needs to be done to make it viable.

A great deal depends on whether your partner is the sort of person to consider maybe there could be some boundaries implemented so no one is ‘ruling the roost’ per se but everyone needs to be comfortable in their own home. Maybe he is or maybe he’s the sort of person who will defend his parenting/their set up to the end or he might be open minded enough to consider your views.
A lot of it is how you convey that to him also. Demanding change and issuing ultimatums can be counter productive and helps no one. Trying to frame it as ‘ it might be helpful if DS got to bed a bit earlier given he’s always tired in the morning.’
One of my major bug bears was my SD would always go to sit in the front seat of the car when we went anywhere together and looked miffed when I suggested she get in the back.
My partner was oblivious and in fairness my SD didn’t get it at all as she was just doing what she had always done. I had to put my annoyance aside and explain to my partner it was infantilising and felt disrespectful to me. Once he knew that he had no issue saying ‘in the back’ to SD which she happily did. But it took me to express it in a way that was non confrontational and me acting like a child.

When you have yet to experience having children yourself it can often feel like parents are being ‘indulgent’. I realised if SD had been my child I would have had no issue prioritising her over a partner like my other half was doing and what was actually happening was I was annoyed I was second in the pecking order, she would always come before me.

If your partner is otherwise good and your relationship is healthy then adjust your thinking and work on boundaries for DS.
We had lots of difficult conversations over the last ten years but in reality I adore my SD and I came to realise she made me a better less self centred person, I was the privileged one to be in her life, she let me into her home and taught me how to put someone else’s needs in front of my own.

I often think now how being a step parent can be really good experience if you want to have your own children. Before you actually have one you get a chance to see who you are as a parent and how ready you are to no longer be the top priority.

good luck and one final word, sometimes you really just need to let them get on with whatever it is you don’t like/agree with. The phrase, ‘not my monkey, not my circus’ came in very handy a few times over the years.

Thank you so so much for this 🙏

OP posts:
cassy16 · 12/11/2024 09:49

This is madness, child or not its common courtesy to give/offer a biscuit to everyone there! And not leave the poor kid in a position where he feels left out of something as basic as breakfast you don't to have ever had children to know that.

If you don't want his child inserting into adult conversations, don't have adult conversations with a child present.

WinterBones · 12/11/2024 09:53

Dpmn553 · 12/11/2024 09:44

You're assuming I didn't set the table with drinks for everyone in the first place.

Show quote history

I'm not, it was more in comment to a couple of other people who piped up about it.

we have the big litre water bottles on the table, so if they did guzzle all that and then ask for more, they'd be told a) not to guzzle their drink because there would be no room for food, and they'd be hungry later, and b) to get their own refill.

As for moving out, don't take that step yet, first step should be having some frank conversations with your partner about what you need and how you feel, and see if any compromises can be made.

I know step parenting can be a minefield, i was my dsd's stepmum from when she was 8, she's now 31 and i split from her dad when she was 25. we still have an ok relationship. I was just saying to my own mum there was stuff i didn't understand as a step mum without kids, that i look back to now as a mum that i can see from another POV... and kinda go.. oh. So i do understand how you're feeling.

The only way through is communication and honesty, however, if after talking you still don't feel continuing to live together is right for you, then its the right thing to do to move back out, and you shouldn't feel bad about that. This has to work for all of you.

MrsSunshine2b · 12/11/2024 09:59

Calliopespa · 12/11/2024 07:46

… and no relationship with children involved will be.

That’s why parents don’t still spend all day gazing at each other and holding hands and snogging. Babies ( think no sleep, sore boobs etc) are nature’s way of changing the dynamic because that would frankly be a bit 🤢 to grow up around. I’ve known one or two people whose parents behaved in that love bubble way of lovers who aren’t parents, and it has really left its mark on them even as adults. If you are stepping into a readymade family you have to tone all that first flush stuff down , at least round the Dc. But to me it sounds as though - understandably, esp if you’ve not had many relationships - you are quite focused on that, so I just don’t think it’s an ideal relationship for you.,

Show quote history

Bit of a reach to suggest that parents acting in love with each other leads to psychological scars.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/11/2024 10:18

Dpmn553 · 11/11/2024 22:30

There are other things that have happened and I've constantly been second guessing myself not knowing what's normal. I'm pretty certain I am ND but I've managed to set up my life to compensate for the things I find difficult wrt employment and my relationships; that is until I moved in with my DP who really is my world- I was in a dark place before I met him, and I owe him loads.

DP's son once told me (not his dad) that he's heard us having sex the morning after. He once asked me when we last had sex. This was very soon after I moved in and my DP has spoken about it and such comments have since stopped. We travelled together once and he had a tantrum about me and DP sharing the double bed. It's frustrating not being able to explain the discomfort properly without conveying entirely the wrong picture. But I have a need to be comfortable in my own home. I don't dislike DP's son at all, and we had a much better relationship before I moved in- hopefully we can get back to this.

As I have said, my decision is made and I am not one to go back once I have made a decision. Just finding the right time and the right words. Hopefully my relationship with DP will survive this.

Edited

This is how it is for couples with children though. You do have to have quieter sex, or wait until they are out when they are old enough to be out without you. If you ever have your own children you will come to learn this. If you think it was mortifying and uncomfortable for you, I can promise it was worse for his son.

It's no longer all about you. If you want a relationship with someone who has children then it's still no longer all about you. Just because they are not your child makes no difference. If you move in together then you have to accept that certain things will need to revolve around the children and they needs and wellbeing. If you don't want to be that big a part of your partner's children's lives nd don't want to have to put them first then don't live together. It's very simple. It's absolutely possible to have a very hands-off, low-contact relationship with a partner's children where you have no expectations of one another and don't tread on one another's toes (and sometimes that's the best decision all-round) but not if you are all under one roof. Choose what you want, because you can't have both.

SpringleDingle · 12/11/2024 10:22

Sounds totally normal to me. My 13 year old would expect to be offered the biscuits first!!! My DP (he moved in 6 months ago and has no kids) has had to get used to the fact that we consider DDs needs first and then mine and his second.

She is also a nosy beaky teenager with an opinion on everything and she feels she is the most important person in the household and all decisions of note need to pass the DD litmus test before we make a firm decision and, until she is 18, she is right a lot of the time!

eyeofthebeholder · 12/11/2024 12:28

I can see where you're coming from. If you don't have kids, it may not be easy to adjust to living with your partner's child. After all, it wasn't you who brought this child into the world, so you shouldn't have to accommodate his needs to the detriment of your own, right? Well, not quite. The moment you moved in with his dad, he became part of your life, and being a child, a lot of things will revolve around him. You're trying to live as if it were just you and your DP, and that's understandable, he's the one you chose, but his DC is part of the deal.
IMO, you need some time to process this, and come to terms with the fact that yes, his child's needs will be above yours at times. But if your relationship with this guy is solid, you'll be fine.
Maybe read books and articles on how to deal with children? Or watch videos? One can't be expected to know what they haven't really experienced.
Hope everything works out for the best!!!

Calliopespa · 12/11/2024 12:54

MrsSunshine2b · 12/11/2024 09:59

Bit of a reach to suggest that parents acting in love with each other leads to psychological scars.

Show quote history

Actually it did.

One is now odd about physical affection, the other openly resents the fact she feels her parents were so wrapped up in each other that she was disregarded. Both have had quite a bit of counselling and help with it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2024 12:58

Dpmn553 · 12/11/2024 09:44

You're assuming I didn't set the table with drinks for everyone in the first place.

Show quote history

Sorry this one jumped out at me - do you not put a jug of water and glasses on the table for every meal so people can refill?

Genuine question as I just assumed everyone on earth did this!

Billy24 · 12/11/2024 12:58

The child is obviously struggling and picking up on things which (unintentionally) make his feel excluded from ‘family’. No quick fix but you’ll have to just go gently with him if you value your relationship with DP. Follow DPs lead

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2024 13:01

So much to unpack in this thread.

I think OP you have taken on board you are being a bit unreasonable re some things, like not offering him a biscuit but offering one to an adult man. Same re breakfasts.

Adult conversations to be had when he’s in bed or not there.

But midnight is far too late for an12 yo on a week night - it’s late for most adults who need to be up for a standard hours sort of job.

A lot of it is normal teen/ tween behaviour. Their are nosy and do think they know best. Of course it’s fine to point out when they don’t but it’s very normal. It feels like you weren’t ready to move in with a man who has a tweenaged son to me.

kiraric · 12/11/2024 15:40

Dpmn553 · 11/11/2024 20:38

He gets a snack tray made up by me most nights, with a selection of fruits biscuits and savoury snacks. He is not deprived of biscuits so please don't be worried for him.

In the weeks after I moved in, he made me get up from the dining table whilst we were eating dinner to get him a glass of water. Not knowing what's normal, although taken a back slightly, I did this for a while before telling my DP I felt uncomfortable with it being a frequent request whilst we were sat having dinner, and with the kitchen and dining room being open plan, he could have easily gone himself.

I haven't articulated this well, and as I said I might be struggling to relate to him, so I deserve all the comments I'm getting. I will be discussing my moving with DP in the coming days.

Edited

Just as an observation - you refer quite a lot in your posts to making meals and snacks and getting drinks for your DP and SS.

How balanced is this? Does your DP ever make you a special breakfast? Why are you doing a snack plate every evening for SS rather than DP?

Are you trying to show your DP love and it's somehow ending up with you being everyone's maid?

The "he made me go and get a glass of water" thing is very odd - if my preteen asks for stuff like this, I just laugh it off "nice try sunshine, you know where the tap is". It's odd that you didn't feel able to do that.

Givemethreerings · 12/11/2024 15:55

Don’t move out on the basis of a mums net thread and the opinions of strangers on the internet.

Take time and take advice from people in real life, who know you, above all your partner.

One risk is if you move out and the relationship doesn’t survive, the 12 year old (adult in a few short years) sees his father lonely and sad having lost the love of his life. A bit dramatic perhaps, but I encourage you to take a long term view. Dynamics will take time - years - to smooth and settle.

Maybe the work to be done is you learning to accept short term compromises (lack of privacy, putting up with a typical annoying teenager, having to take on some step mum work) for future gain ( long term happy relationship with the man you love, long term, trusted and happy relationship with his son who grows close to you).

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 12/11/2024 16:52

I wouldn’t offer to make a drink/snack/whatever without including…

YABU

Mrsgreen100 · 12/11/2024 16:59

You need to go to really the heart of this, this is just a teenager trying to fit in, actually if I were on your situation I would be doing everything to make him feel included. Seems like you’re doing the opposite really difficult for you I know, but he’s really young Parents splitting up is an enormous adjustment for any child teenager et cetera. I’ll be showering him in biscuit asking him what he wants for breakfast. I’m getting him to help me cook it including him not isolating him.