DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

You are absolutely doing the right thing I would not put up with that carry on for a minute, sounds like little lord font is running the house!! His father needs to pull him up , I'd cool the relationship when you've moved out

Sounds like it's for the best op. It might be a relief for you all, once you're out x

OP no. It's not. Or it shouldn't be. People are not reading your posts properly. If this 12 year old was treating their 12 year old the way he is treating you, the same people would be calling him all sorts of names.
But step mums ALWAYS get a pasting on here. You are doing too much for this boy. Stop indulging him. Stop jumping to his commands. He is enjoying bullying you, and seeing how much he can get away with. Tell him the breakfast kitchen is now closed. I would not do this on a school day for my own kids, you are pandering to him, and it's not good for you or him. He reminds me of those pets behaving badly showed, where the family dog thinks he is in charge, only because the humans have never taught him that he is not.

He’s won, hasn’t he? You’ve now given him exactly what he wanted. Every stepchild in the world tests boundaries - I know, I’ve had three for 26 years. Now he’s got his dad and their home to himself again. He must be delighted.

Have you told DP that you’re moving out? I think in light of your recent updates it’s definitely for the best that you’re going. For whatever reason DP’s son seems like he’s trying to make your life as hard as possible and testing to see how far he can push you. I don’t think this is going to be a worker for anyone. Are you intending to stay in a relationship with DP once you move out?

The boy is clearly taking advantage and his dad doesn't seem to be helping. You said you'd do these things for your own child but the bottom line is that when you take on a partner's child you take them on as your own, warts and all. You're not ready to do this - not your fault, it just is what it is - and I think you've made the right decision to move out for your own sanity. I hope things work out better for you that way and I wish you luck with the move.

But I'm concerned about your comment that the child was being critical to you in a tone even your partner would not use towards you. He should not be speaking to you like that either! Is this the problem it sounds like, or has it come across in an unintended way - social media and all that...?

By the way, you can turn off comments if you don't want this thread to go on any longer. Not sure how, but have a fiddle! 😊

I don't even think he deliberately trying to make my life hard. Whenever I bring him up on stuff, most of the time he apologies. I think he just can't help it. He expects to be treated as an adult - to choose where we eat, to chime in with an option about homewares, to read confidential paperwork I've left in the printer. I understand where it's coming from (I think) and I'm not underestimating the enormity of dealing with me moving in. But some days it's genuinely intolerable.

It’s not normal, as in your interpretation is not normal. I really can’t understand why you’d exclude him, or indeed anyone, in that situation to be honest. Moving in is a big adjustment for all of you to make.
But you really need to be honest with yourself about what your wants, needs and expectations are here…what’s ’the romantic relationship’ you refer to? Do you want to just be a couple? Or do you want to be part of a family? The latter is your only option with this man. And buckle up, because teenagers are hard work!

Op
I'm glad that you've made a decision that's right for you. Hopefully trust your dp can see that you've tried and will support you in this.
It might do your relationship the power of good if your dp has to make more of an effort.
12 year old know it alls can be annoying even to their parents who love them , to relative strangers they can be irritating in the extreme and it's fine you don't want to share your space with one!

God I’m not surprised you find all that intolerable OP, I would too.

I wouldn’t want my own daughter when she’s 12 to be going through my personal documents willy nilly and not be able to have a private conversation without her butting in. He sounds really irritating in general tbh. I massively sympathise with him having to deal with his dad’s partner moving in, I’ve been there and it really is horrible at first. But some of his behaviour is unacceptable and your partner sounds incredibly wet when it comes to his son.

it’s a no from me, you’ll be so much happier once you’ve moved out!

ETA- If the relationship survives and at some point you want to move back in, I’d wait until he’s off to uni or flown the nest!

My children grew up with adults, rather than other children, They would make jokes and sometimes seem over familiar Insofar as one would not expect a child to speak so to an adult. However, they were also trained in manners. They would not have felt entitled to go through phones, demand someone make a breakfast specially…or if they did, they would accept an ‘Im not doing that today, pick something simpler and I’ll do a big cooked breakfast when I have more time another day. ‘
The problems with the stepson seem to have escalated since the OP . Those seemed pretty minor but the latest update made my hackles rise. I think that is not acceptable to parents, or guests or stepparents. He sounds like my grandson, also adult orientated, but with a keen mind that surprised me even at a year old. His comprehension, picking up nuances and humour were way ahead of his years. He could make witty rejoinders, not childlike but with adult understanding. He can also be very manipulative and turn situations to his advantage. He doesn’t get away with it. We are used to his attempts and he is not permitted to take undue liberties. Kindly with explanations but he knows we were children once and have learned all the lines he will try to pull. He might suggest where he’d like us to eat, if it’s under discussion, but will accept a different venue without demur. I can’t see him having an opinion on homewares unless for his room.

Since you are the one who moved in and his father doesn’t appear to be parenting the boy appropriately, I think you’re doing the right thing moving out.

A relationship with a parent is a relationship with their child/ren but it can and should be minus the sarcasm and snooping.

I know you're leaving anyway, but I'd stop the 30 min breakfasts unless it's a weekend treat. His dad should be stopping him from interfering with your adult time with friends. Sorry op, it's not your fault.

Op you said about the breakfasts and getting up 30 mins earlier to make them:
But I'd do this for my own son so I'm expected to do this for my partner's so
Absolutely not! My DC is 7 and has huge pride in making her own breakfast- cereal or fruit and toast. Stop making his breakfast! A bowl of cereal OK, but do not get up 30 mins earlier to make him a lavish breakfast. Stoo this from tomorrow.

A lot of this is what MN tends to put as "you have a DP problem"

He ought to be parenting his son and nipping some of this behaviour in the bud, and you need to be stricter with making it clear to him and his son what you will/won't tolerate. If DP doesn't want to step up and deal with it, then feel free to deal with it yourself and tell that child to stop it, butt out, and mind his own business.

NO PARENT would tolerate that crap, none, and DP is being ridiculous and clearly not parenting either.

That being said.

Stop making him elaborate time consuming breakfast. You handle that little game with "What would you like for breakfast? Option A, or Option B?" and you make sure they're both things you're willing to make, don't give him free reign to choose whatever, give him options.

Does the boy have hobbies and friends? He sounds rather bored if he's reading your work documents. I wonder if he could be nd? Not suggesting eveyone who is nosey is!

As far as the food goes, I would have his dad suggest he plan one or two meals a week that he can help choose and learn to help with cooking and grocery shopping. He wants to be involved and have a say, but the last minute requests aren't practical and are annoying.

Going back to the nd thing, I have an autistic friend who always felt like a grown up, even as a kid. He also is very opinionated, sometimes when it isn't wanted. Has a lot of good qualities too!

Your attitude sounds weird tbh. Offering stuff to DH but not Dss? I mean wtf? I have kids and step kids, if I was getting breakfast for dh I'd get it for the kids too, same with drinks and snacks, surely this is just normal family life?

And it is completely normal for tweens/teens to have opinions on everything, I know mine do, and again completely normal to have more sensitive discussions when he is not in the room.

You have an odd take on things imo!

Op explained already that the boy was on another floor and they were working when she grabbed a cookie. He can also get a cookie for himself. I'm sure if he was around she would have offered one.

It sounds like you want to be your DPs girlfriend/partner but you are not remotely interested in being a stepmother to his DS. Its ok to feel like that but probably you'd be happier with a partner who didn't have a child.

@Dpmn553

Does your DP know you're moving out in Jan? If not, I'd tell him unless your concern is that he'd say "Then leave now".

The reason I say this is because, at this point, you and DP should be living as roommates, not partners. Would you do all this running around/catering to a roommate's child? I wouldn't. So this means a frank discussion with him that as of now, you do not have ANY responsibility for his son. The cooking for, cleaning up after, and childcare is all on him and you will be no part of it. You've been his 'nanny with a fanny' for some time now. He may be loath to give that up as it's going to severely impact his life but he may as well start getting used to it now.

Obvs if he will make your life a misery for the next month because of it or he'll kick you out with no place to go, that's something you'll need to consider. If that's the case, I think I might be looking for alternative housing until my house became available. If nothing else it may save you money in Xmas gifts.

I quite agree. I wish anyone who is contemplating setting up hope with a father or mother who has dependent children would read all the threads on facebook about it. It's far too complicated and there are many single people out there who do not have young children, or any children, who would like to meet somebody.

I just want to add I am glad you are moving out in January, op, it really is for the best. You can stay friends with your partner if you both want that (you may not), a relationship does not have to mean living together.

Whatever happens I wish you happiness.

Op has adressed this again and again. Please RTFT.

I agree when I was 12 I did not expect my stepmum to cook me breakfast before school

At age 12 he is old enough to make himself toast and cereal.You sat dp leaves for work early,; if you were not there the child would have to make breakfast himself !