DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

So three of you are in a room you feel the need to serve one but ignore the other....your unreasonable nobody would be so rude let alone to a kid.

OP you went into the relationship, eyes open, about DPs son living with him, why pretend now that it's only you and DP ?? Quite unreasonable as I see it

Sorry but ... the "12 year old doesn't understand the dynamic in the house". What dynamic the 12 year old child is expected to understand isn't clear but adults struggle with family dynamics at times and young children at 12 have enough to worry about in modern times (exams, social media, covid disrupting their education etc etc) without feeling disregarded in their home and having to learn the "dynamics". When you form a relationship with an adult who has a child, the child is part of the package. If you are having a cup of tea and biscuit and offering your partner one, I don't think it would take much effort to offer the child milk, orange juice, a biscuit, whatever they enjoy. If you are offering your partner the choice of a breakfast, ditto. This is his child and the child didn't choose the present situation.

Everything about this post grates me 😅 Why when you got the biscuits out would you not just offer one? Or ask what he fancied for his breakfast? It sounds like to me personally that you don't like him that much. You've purposely left him out and he can feel it , not to mention after 5 years he's still partners child and definitely not your step son.

You are right. He's a kid

Alright, listen up. You’ve got a tricky one here, but it’s not unsolvable. First off, yeah, this is normal to an extent. The lad’s adjusting to a big change – you’ve moved in and his world’s shifted. He’s not just sharing his dad anymore; he’s sharing his space, his routine, and probably a bit of his sense of security.

Now, it sounds like he’s struggling to figure out where he fits in this new setup. Kids, especially at that age, can act up or try to push boundaries when they feel unsure or left out. Doesn’t mean he’s out to make your life hard – he’s just finding his feet.

The key here? Boundaries and communication. Sit down with your DP first, get on the same page about how you’re approaching things. Then, together, have an honest chat with his son. Let him know you’re not trying to replace his dad or overstep, but you’re here as part of this family. Explain that some conversations and decisions are for adults, and that’s just how it is.

When it comes to those little moments – like the biscuit or breakfast – try involving him more casually. A simple “Fancy a brew too?” can go a long way. Small gestures, big impact. Give it time – this stuff doesn’t change overnight.

He sounds like a typical kid. You sound like you are excluding him.

He wasn't in the room when he didn't get offered the biscuit

I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship where children are involved.

You want them to be seen and not heard.

How would you feel if dp made himself and dc a drink and biscuit or breakfast and said to you that you are capable of making your own. You chose to become a family of three.

To open I will admit that I have skim read this thread. But I do not see much empathy for the OP. As I see it this is new family trying to establish some boundaries even after a year. I do read the biscuit and breakfast thing as a mistake that I would not share in public. Somehow the three of you need to find a way to make this work. From my point of view it is not easy doing this as your family matures without the added issues around being parachuted into an established father son bond.

Did you not read? She said....I made a tea and biscuits. The son was elsewhere in the house. He wasn't a visiting guest that you would seek out as is polite. He lives in the house. If I were to make a cup of tea and have a biscuit I would make my partner one too. If for some reason I had a child who was cloistered in their bedroom doing their own thing. I wouldn't necessarily knock on the door and ask them if they wanted to interrupt their free time to come sit in my home office and partake in hi tea.

The adults were working from home in the same room. It was a work day. Not a family event or guests visiting.
I'm sure the son when popping down to make himself a cold beverage didn't think to knock on the office door and say dad, lady living with us. Do you want a glass of squash. Of course not.

What is wrong with people on here.

My sympathies are with DP's son. You move into his home and try to exclude or ignore him. It is HIS home.

I think your DPs son has been used to having an adult relationship with his dad and being spoken to as an equal. You probably need to speak to his dad about how he would like it handled. When I was teaching I worked with a lad like that and it was incredibly irritating as I had to point out that he wasn't an adult. He had an opinion on everything. That said, he was a nice lad with a good heart. He had just been given too much leeway by his mum and dad.

I dont understand if you are asking your dp what biscuit he wants why you wouldn't also ask his son. The same for the breakfast, it's like you are intentionally causing problems that wouldn't happen if only you asked them both what they would like. I think his son feels left out and given the way you have explained things I can't say I blame him. Also most 12 year olds like to be included in conversations, so maybe if it's something you don't want him involved in, have it when he isn't around, I'm sure you get time alone at night. Put yourself in his shoes, you have moved in to his home and now it feels like you only care for his dad and not him.

The child is only 12 even if he doesn't drink tea be kind and offer the child another drink.Try and be kinder to the child.Try and imagine how they are feeling.Children can be great company .

Because people are kind to 12 year old step children as a rule not selfish .

I'm a step child. I wasn't bothered if I wasn't asked if I wanted a biscuit. You are perhaps to sensitive it seems.

I was a step child too and a nice person not hard faced .Luckily in my family we care about each other and offer each other drinks and snacks.

See if my own biological kids weren't in the room I wouldn't be chasing them or banging on their bedroom doors to see if they wanted a cuppa. If they were in the same room as me then I would ask

🙌 thank you. My point exactly! I have been visiting my mum we have made a cup of tea. My niece is upstairs doing whatever she's doing. We don't call up or go see if she wants a cup of tea. Or My nephew is in the livingroom playing on his switch I wouldn't go ask him if he wants a snack because I just went in the fridge to help myself. Some people are so weird on here lol

Well I would for my DC all of who are biological and live with both parents.

And if I knew I was living with a child had to adjust to living with a new person having just lived with his dad previously I would go out of my way to be extra supportive and kind. And if I thought that child showed signs of being insecure then very I definitely would for double down to make sure they didn’t feel threatened sakes. And if I thought that a relationship I wanted to stay in depended on making that child feel safe… you get the idea

You're assuming a lot here. Obviously there is something going on with the child. But everyone is clinging onto this biscuit as something op did out of some form of cruelty? Maybe lack of understanding yes. But the lack of information here and outright bullying isn't helpful in the slightest.
The child feels pushed out Obviously. But giving a child constant attention can also back fire. It's about being there to cushion the blow not give in to tantrums. It sends the wrong message. She to is in a new environment yet she is being asked here to do all the adjustments. It's her home too.
How about a good balance of advice and less stone throwing.

Thanks for your continued posts. I don't understand how and why the thread keeps going, with most of the new posts the same as previous suggestions that I acknowledged re my incompatibility to exist in a family with children, my unreasonably expectations of a partner with a child, and my inability to provide a welcoming home for my partner's son.

I'm moving out at the end of January (the earliest my house will be available and ready). This has made things easier in some respects knowing I will be leaving here soon, but it hasn't been any easier dealing with my partner's son, and yes it's all my fault- but I'd be grateful for the opportunity to vent here.

He'll ask what is for dinner then criticise my choice of rice or pasta in a tone even my partner would not use with me. Titled head to one said and a sarcastic "really, you want to do that". I've been asking him what he'd like for breakfast in the morning, and while me and my partner usually have quick breakfasts, his son will demand something big and time consuming but of course it's up to me to make it. I've been waking up 30 mins earlier to prepare his desired breakfast so I'm not late for work (DP starts works before me so he can't do it). But I'd do this for my own son so I'm expected to do this for my partner's son. He's was due to spent a few days at his mum's while my partner was working away. So I made plans that involved a few friends visiting me at home (who have met my partner's son and feel uncomfortable since he interupts and involves himself in our conversations so much- we arranged this only because my partner's son was away). DP's son called me on the 2nd day telling me his mum had to go away for a night and she'll be dropping him within the hour. Had to cancel my plans entirely and wait for him. They arrived 6 hours later than they said.

But this is all part and parcel of being romantically tied with a man with a child.

I've found him accessing my passpord protected phone (I stupidly gave him my password one time when I was occupied in the kitchen and he needed to access something quickly for one reason ot another- my fault yes). He's been reading documents I forget in the printer (again my fault).

I cannot live like this. And soon enough I won't have to.