To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

Not fair on the kids above all else

DH's ex is playing a control game. Maybe trying to split you up, maybe just for the spiteful fun of knowing she's making life very difficult for you. Tell DH enough is too much. She can't stop his access to the children and he needs to put his big boy pants on.

Is she doing agency work?if so she might not know when she will be working day to day or if she has any work on any particular day

If you agree then why not have him seek full custody and explain why.
NHS is not a 9-5 job but she should have decency to let you know more than 24 hours in advance.

Yanbu, she needs to send reminders to herself to make it a priority

Sounds like she's either ridiculously unorganised or is taking the piss and your DH is too weak to put his foot down. It's unfair for you, your DD and the SC really.

Change your mindset. Have a plan A, no kids, plan B, kids, then roll with whatever happens. Don't live in negative energy, it does no one any good especially you.

Seriously??

I work for the NHS, and nurses know their rota at least 2 weeks before!
I say give an ultimatum, as it's costing your sanity

You’re not being unreasonable at all

Been there myself.

You need to get your other half to set his stall out and say that you aren’t the one to be relied upon on last minute decisions when plans change as it sound like you are now.

i am a step mother to two kids who have a mother who is a complete nightmare to deal with. We have our differences but, it works for us without excessive arguments and face pulling after a few choice words occasionally.

Try it, it may work

Did you not read the post?

We usually have our nursing roster 4-6weeks in advance! (I'm in ROI but imagine NHS is the same). Such a ridiculous situation, your DH just has to be firm with her. If she works shift work full time there's no way she'll restrict his access as she needs him too much.

I don’t know why men use the excuse of “she might not let me see the kids” these days. Unless there is a very good reason no court would allow that to happen. He needs to sort it out and stop using that excuse and if she does try that then go to court and get a proper agreement in place. She can’t just take them to her country either as that is illegal too.

My ex did this. He also said "But what if she takes them back to [her home country]" It wasnt because he thought she would because she wouldnt have done that. Mainly because her family would not be happy with her and would have assisted him in getting them back but also due to which country it is, getting them home would be (relatively) quick and simple. She would also never stop him seeing the kids because she values her own free time too much, and now the kids are in their teens they could get themselves to their dads if they wanted to, she couldnt physically stop them. But he would always say it anyway.....

The fact is that he is a lazy coward who didnt want to have to deal with her kicking off so he always backed down. It was pathetic and is one of the reasons I broke up with him a few weeks ago.

The ONLY reason someone wouldn’t give their childcare their rota is if she doesn’t want you know her shifts… as things stand she can say ‘oh I’m at work tomorrow night please can u have kids’ and you drop everything and say yes… I suspect the reality some of the time is that she gets asked on a date or out with the girls and rather than need to ask you and DP to have the kids extra so she can socialise, and risk you saying ‘no sorry we need more notice’… she pretends to work knowing you can’t refuse that!
I get more notice for walking my friends dog than you get for looking after children!!

Work or not, if she messaged last minute about having the kids, I’d say no we need more notice… you partner needs to be told that he’s putting strain on your relationship by always saying yes to her and disrupting your plans.. tell him he’s risking loosing you and another child only being with him part time!

suggest mediation through an official route, they will likely tell her she needs to give you her shift pattern/rota a month in advance.

otherwise I’d message saying what are your shirts for December please.as we are booking things and if we don’t have your rota by 1st December then we will be unable to facilitate all of your shifts sadly.

she’s very unreasonable not to give more notice, but like I say I’m sure some of the ‘work’ is really a girls night out or casual dating…. It’s fine for her to ask for help so she can have a personal life… BUT not at the expense of your plans