To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

An excellent point. The OP’s DH should have this pointed out to him.

She’s hardly likely to stop him seeing the DC as she needs his help to work her shifts. So unless she changes her job she needs you or will have to sort childcare. Your DH needs to have a formal conversation with her stating he needs the rota xx time in advance. he can explain its unfair to their kids to be put in this position.

But Irrespective of any of this, the situation needs to change!

Sincere apologies, it was her second post. Which says “I also work in the NHS”.

I imagine he would, again, move on very quickly and find another woman to pick up the slack.

OP have you pointed out to him she can’t stop him seeing the dcs as paid for childcare for shifts is near impossible (without hiring a full time live in nanny).

she needs him to have the dcs regularly, and not on set days.

so he goes back, he needs at least a weeks notice of her shifts or he goes to court for set days and she’ll just have to sort childcare for her shifts that fall on her days. If shifts are short notice because she’s been asked to do overtime, she calls him first before agreeing.

Yanbu, obviously. No ultimatum needed-that’s a bit OTT-but definitely he needs to put his foot down. My Dh has his shifts a year in advance, no idea about the NHS, but presumably it’s a fair way ahead to allow for management of wards etc. she needs to stop assuming he’ll just have the dc last minute. It’s bonkers, you can’t arrange anything!

OP I think the best way for you to address this is to focus on the impacts on the children (all 3 of them). They need consistency and to know where they are going to be at any given time and this will only get more important as they get older, go to clubs/play dates etc. it's not fair to them as you've said and focusing on this slightly gets away from you having to point out how wrong she is.

Can he have them full time, she pays CMS so they can go into wrap around care as needed and she can have them EOW/one night a week as her shift allows? Poor kids no one cares about them.

No wonder her family jumped ship - she sounds like a
total nightmare! I would actually just send them both a simple text stating that you have had enough facilitating their dysfunctional breakup and they need to get their shit together for the sake of their kids. You are going to focus only on the care, feeding, collection, education and entertainment of your own kid and their kids are now none of your business.

Not unreasonable - though I have to say I initially misread your post and thought he had 17 children with his ex, no a 10yo and 7yo at which point I would have advised to run for the hills.

I think it is totally fair to insist that there is an official and binding agreement - ie a schedule planned monthly in advance as soon as ex’s shift rota is released. You DH needs to understand he has made a commitment to you and your DC so he needs to step up and balance the needs of both families.

Agree with @SquatWeightaMinute

Ask him how he thinks this would work if you were to separate. I don't think it's unreasonable to consider ending your relation in these circumstances. You are have both your and your DC life dictated by someone else, all because your DP refuses to do the right thing for anyone other than his ex.

She will not stop contact and even if she did, she wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court because the status quo has been 50/50.

She sends her rotas when she receives them or you go back to set days.

This is shockingly selfish behaviour by her. Never mind how understandably irritating it is for you, it’s a terrible way to treat her own young children. These children didn’t ask to live in two households and they need BOTH their parents to commit to providing stability. Neither are currently doing that. She will be impacting her own children’s long term mental health.

No not in the first post. Op says it in the 2nd post.

YANBU at all. This would drive me insane. Poor children!

I never understand why so many men are desperate to appease their first wives, yet happy to p*ss off the new wife

They obviously werent desperate to appease their first wives when married, realised that managing a home, job and children is actually hard if you are trying to do it well, employ a new woman to take the reins and dont want to piss off the old wife as it will make their life harder again.

I have a very similar set up with my Ex H

Though I do give him two weeks rota in advance. But in all fairness he's pretty flexible if I have to change my shifts to help the unit out (we are horribly short staffed and have been for a long time)

Can you speak to her?

I will say a few years ago I dropped my hours and my relationship with ex h wasn't great. I didn't tell him because I was exhausted and needed that one day every other week to recoup from either working or having the DC (one is SEN) I didn't tell him for fear he would drop that day and I still wouldn't get a breather..

I also had a work like balance contract when they were smaller so every other weekend I was off.

She could put a request in

I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought he had 17 children for a second 😂

This would piss me off no end! I'd definitely be issuing him an ultimatum and I'd be making it clear that until he sorts it, you won't be doing any last minute pick ups or meals etc. If he's too spineless to have a conversation with her then tough shit that everything will be on his shoulders.

Feel sorry for kids. Must be so unsettling not to know where they are going to be.

Dh needs to step up. Don't know much about custody arguments but would it be worth getting a legal custody arrangement where she has to give her rota a month in advance

I think the only thing you can do is tell him you will end your relationship and leave him to sort out the mess with his Ex and have to then also factor in seeing your shared daughter. Give him a deadline, or tell him you're done with you and your DD not getting to actually live your lives calmly and sensibly because of his irrational fear of standing up for himself and his children

It goes back to a set 50/50, and she deals with her childcare issues on her time on her own, OR she provides her schedule 3/4 weeks in advance, as she gets it. IF she fails to do so, her set days are her problem to sort. End of.

He needs a kick up the arse to stand up for himself AND his children who are also being messed around by their mother.

I would have given her a couple of months to sort herself out but then I’d expect a proper rota in place.

2 years of this is not acceptable.

Does she have any other family members to help her?

What was the set up like before?

I would be tempted to tell her that you’ll do 1 whole week at yours and then 1 whole week at hers.
And it’s up to her to find childcare during her week, like most parents do.

Of course you can still have them in emergencies but it has to be actual emergencies.
If it’s anything to do with work then she needs to ASK in advance.

I don’t know how you can make DH do this though.
I assume you’ve had every argument and discussion already.

Do you do much cooking, cleaning, childcare for the SDCs?
Perhaps if you stop then he will see how difficult it is.

Does he WFH?

I’m confused how the SDC are already there when you finish work but he can’t send you a quick text to let you know or put dinner on when he’s already at home.

The trick with men who "want an easy life" is that they choose the path of least resistance - if she is inconvenienced (by him putting his foot down etc) she will cause maybem for him, if YOU are inconvenienced then you just put up with it and make accommodations for it, maybe with a bit of complaining or the odd argument. For men like that the choice is an easy one unfortunately. You need to stop this nonsense and that means you need to make him see that appeasing her over you is not on and will no longer be tolerated. His life needs to become very difficult to make him make a different choice

This situation crops up constantly on mumsnet and is always because the second wife gets coerced into or simply falls into doing all the childcare for her husbands first children.
If he had to do all the washing, cooking, ferrying around and childcare himself the situation would be resolved in a day or two.
It's difficult to understand why the second wife takes all this on and isn't the point of this thread but the solution is always to leave your husband to raise his own children.