To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

She's not going to stop contact, she'd be left with the children all the time.

It’s ex wife that works in NHS not op

Your dh is being silly - of course she’d rather free childcare than having to pay for childcare.

The only way round this is for him to be the one who has to rush to last minute pickups and the supermarket for extra food ingredients. You make his life so much easier that he can’t have a reasonable conversation with the ex-wife. He and his ex need to be inconvenienced before they realise that there’s an easy fix.

Yes it’s ultimatum time OP.
You can’t live like this, nor can your child and nor can those poor step children.
She will be getting her shift patterns at least three weeks in advance (my sister is hospital nurse) and there is absolutely no good reason why she can’t share her rota as soon as she gets it.
I would be saying that either she starts producing rotas and doing a bit of forward planning or you’ll be leaving him. I’m sorry but it’s the only option open to you now. Be prepared to carry it through though.

The op does as well. She clearly states this, granted not in the initial op.

Stop running around after the children. Stop picking them up, stop cooking the meals, stop buying the food. Concentrate on your own child and yourself and let the SDCs parents concentrate on their children. You can bet your last penny DH will get things sorted if you aren't there to facilitate it anymore. They are both laughing at you, don't put up with "mug" as your middle name anymore.

@PicassoDiBablo
He just needs to get a court order about shared custody. Last minute babysitting will not happen anymore. Make him tell her just that. I can't believe anyone would be so inconsiderate.

He needs to say to send the rota at the start of each month or end of each month. Basically whenever she gets it

I'm telling you now she is NOT going to stop him or you seeing the kids because she NEEDS YOU BOTH otherwise she's not going to be able to work or will work and use all her pay for Nannie's/childminders

Needs to go to court for full custody with birth mother having set contact. This is in the best interests of the children.
Would consider this abuse of the children because of the uncertainty she is creating for them.

YANBU.

I am so selfish I would rather be alone than have stepchildren. It is almost always an issue.

She’s being an absolute dick. Rolling shifts are a nightmare with kids, so unsettling for everyone, hard to do extracurriculars and to sort childcare, and that’s even with the 4-6 weeks notice that you tend to get with a rota. She can’t do this, shes fucking you all over including the kids. Can she request set days? As a single parent she has good reason to get it approved. Your DH needs to get really firm here.

Put it in black and white, in a text or whatsapp or something.

"I dont want you to reply to this. I am sending it while you are at home with time to think.

The situation with X has to change. You and I both know that she will not stop you seeing the kids as otherwise she wont be able to work. The simple fact is that you wont say no to her as it is easier than standing up to her.
I am now at the point where either she sends to rotas when they are released so we can plan. If she doesnt then I will not stand in for school runs, appointments, hobby pick ups etc. That is ALL on you from next Monday.
Please be aware that I am seriously considering ending our marriage over this. The fact that you would rather deeply upset and inconvenience your own wife rather than stand up to her has made me see you in a very different light to man I thought you were. . It makes me think that your ex is more important to you than I am, I am sure you can understand how heartbreaking that is for me.
Please think very carefully about this and we will talk when I get home.
I do love you and all the kids and I dont want to have end everything, but if you refuse to engage then I afraid you will leave me with little choice"

Then you have laid your thoughts and feelings out in a calm and measured way that he has time to digest and consider rather than it descending immediately into a row that will solve nothing.

This basically.

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much

who would look after the children whilst she works shifts then?

Your H is absolutely pathetic. You must refuse to have the children on your own. He should too if there is no notice. A few missed shifts will teach her.
She is being ridiculous.

So things worked well between you re the SDCs until she started working? It sounds like she's deliberately yanking you around - unless she is genuinely the most disorganised person ever - has something happened in the past couple of years that would make her behave like this, a falling out with your DH for example? Otherwise it's baffling behaviour. Hope you can get it sorted out.

Can you stay somewhere else for a while to force him to deal with it all on his own?

This

For at least the last 12 months my ward has been so understaffed due to actual understaffing and then extra understaffing due to long term sickness caused by the extra pressure of the understaffing; I've been called in almost every week on my days off or asked to work double shifts etc.

I’d do the live somewhere else for a couple of weeks. He can only do this because you facilitate, so stop. Tell him to tell her he will need x days notice or he will go to court to set his access more rigidly / have full access and she can have them when suits.

This would drive me insane, I don't blame you for being cross.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Tell your DH he needs to speak to his EX about planning ahead, otherwise you're not prepared to rush around filling in for people so disorganised.

You should take a step back from all this, and let them figure themselves out, since nobody is currently listening to you, yet they're falling back on you when they need your help.

There’s some awfully cold responses on here, this one included where the children involved are shown so little compassion 😕 OP has been in their lives a parent figure for years now, it’s awful to think they should be disregarded.
this is between the adults and need to stay that way.
OP needs her DH to get legal advice about where he stands with all of this and move forward that way I’d say and absolutely nobody in this scenario has currently taken responsibility for the situation.

This isn't an issue of last-minute shift changes it seems but a complete absence of information from your DH's ex. It would be one thing if she sent you the rota but had to deal with last minute changes or cover - she's not giving you any info and that's a deliberate, shitty choice. She's being a crap parent by messing her DC around and frankly your DH is being a crap parent by letting her. He's also being a crap partner. You're completely in the right to demand change and set boundaries.

Whilst I agree that the children shouldnt suffer, the only reason that they arent is because @PicassoDiBablo is doing what neither of the parents are doing.

If there is one person here (apart from the kids) who has no actual parenting responsibility to the SC, its the OP. So why the hell is she being expected to do it when all it would take is both parents actually stepping up and doing it themselves?! Because so far, she has. She has sleepwalked into being a free emergency nanny and in the process, her own child is suffering just as much upheaval and lack of security as the SC are. I would argue that the OP putting her foot down and saying "NO MORE" and forcing the parents to deal with it is in fact doing the kids a massive favour as they will have more security going forward than they currently have.

As the saying goes "A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine".

Why do you think she is doing all of this so last minute OP? Is it genuine bad planning or is she trying to make life hard for you? Either way it isn’t ok, it’s just very odd behaviour.

Well, if you can't get DH to change his behavior, you change yours. Schedule your life around your life. Let DH sort out his issues with his ex and kid care. Remove yourself from his scheduling nightmare.