To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

Not being unreasonable at all. This would drive me mad!

Of course you are not unreasonable. She does know her shifts more than 1 day in advance and can perfectly well communicate this.
DH is being pathetic. She won't stop him seeing the children because she will need his support for the childcare!
He needs to put his foot down and maybe if he couches in terms of impact on DC

"Look Betty, this isn't fair on the kids. They don't know where they are going to be one day to the next and they cant make plans/do hw etc and it's causing everyone stress. How about I text you on a Sunday night and you tell me your rota by reply for the next 2 weeks."

I also work in the NHS so I'm aware that rotas are planned more than 1 day in advance too.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to share her rota as soon as she receives it. I agree you can’t live like that.

She won’t stop him seeing the kids, otherwise she won’t have child help to get to work, unless she is ok about loosing her job?

He's absolutely cowardly when it comes to her. I understand he's worried about seeing DSC but there are ways to go about these things other than just agreeing to do whatever your ex wants.

I can understand your DPs concerns because life can be so difficult when there is conflict between co-parents. But ultimately, violent abusive dads are given contact, so although a massive challenge, she can’t prevent it. She can alienate them though.
Why can’t he have a rational conversation about it with her? Along the lines of how difficult it is for the kids to not know where they are meant to be, and how it would make it easier for him to be a good parent, such as being organised about homework and healthy meals if he knew where he was out. From experience, keep what would be good for you, him and your child out of any discussion so that you can come to an arrangement more easily?

Yeah he's being pathetic and it would make me leave. Your life would be so much easier without this stress.

This is exactly what I've said before. She doesn't have family in the country either so it literally is just DH so what's she going to do?

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much.
How likely that? She wont be able to use a childminder with random shifts. Does she have family who would drop everything and do it? Unlikely too.

he need to say two weeks in advance from x day, or suggest a switch in the main residence so that your husband is main career, rather than the current 50/50 that is last minute and disruptive, as he can offer stability.

I agree she won’t stop him having them, she needs the help to work. He wants an easy life so is choosing to piss you off while appeasing her. Time to make him more worried about upsetting you. If you’ll carry it through then do an ultimatum. The situation is ridiculous, she’s selfish, he’s pathetic. And stop stepping in. If the ex is messing the kids around their dad needs to accommodate it, and last minute dinners etc. None of that is your responsibility unless you choose to take it on.

Could leaving the country be an option for het then? Have all her family emigrated or is she an immigrant?

Also this.

is your dh able to accommodate them 50/50, or is it actually you?

Yes I'm going to say this as well. No more help from me to accommodate this mess. No more last minute meals, no more rushing out to collect from hobbies because no one else can at the last minute, no more collecting from school with a moments notice. I'm just sick of the whole thing.

Her family emigrated some years ago now. She's an only child so it was just her parents. I don't know if she has other extended family still her but she has never/ DSC has never mentioned them.

They have them 50/50. Why is he talking about her stopping contact as if he only sees them EOW? He has as much power as she does. In your situation I would suggest he takes them full time and they go to stay with their mum when she's available, subject to her providing her rotas in advance.

Who actually takes care of the step kids? You or DH?
Does he work? Are you a SAHP?

I would put my foot down with your partner, when you get a call saying to pick them up from school, just “sorry I have plans made “ need to produce a meal out the hat “sorry you will have to send out, what I’ve planned doesn’t stretch” need to sleep over night “ sorry haven’t made beds yet, you know where stuff is “ and stick to it until he sees how it effects you and how much you stopping will effect him, he’ll soon do something about it then.

It’s in the first post that OP works in the NHS.

Why do people post these questions without reading even the opening post?

For the sake of your child, I wouldn’t be issuing ultimatums or threats at this point. Doesn’t mean you can’t put boundaries down- like saying you can’t continue to collect or change plans at the last minute. But I would phrase it as in the interests of your child, which it is. Explain how much it is affecting you and making you unhappy which is impacting on you all as a family. Going in with anger and frustration will only get his back up, and make things worse and make him feel like you’re both against him. What do you really want out of this? To break up the family or make the situation better for the kids? You need to be smart about it because everyone in the situation is tired, frustrated and resentful

I agree she won’t stop him having them, she needs the help to work. He wants an easy life so is choosing to piss you off while appeasing her. Time to make him more worried about upsetting you. If you’ll carry it through then do an ultimatum

I totally get your frustration OP, having witnessed a ‘terrified to rock the boat’ dynamic with my DH and his ex. Do you really want to end your marriage though? I would be more tempted to move out for a while, telling DH you will return when it’s sorted? I realise finances may not stretch to running two households though.

YANBU
This would drive me insane OP.
Issue your ultimatum and follow through.
What are you? Chief cook, bottle washer and free child minder?
Neither your DH or his Ex could get away with any of this is you weren't around.

There is zero risk of her refusing contact - she should be sending you bunches of flowers and DH should be treating you for your help!

You are being used OP. 😔

This situation is untenable, your DH needs to toughen up and say he wants the rota or you go back to set days and her shifts are her problem.

If you left him and chose to be as awkward as her over child arrangements he would be in a pickle wouldn’t he. Three children randomly turning up needing to be looked after, he would never cope.

@AnneLovesGilbert it does not state that OP works in nhs in the first post! the ex works in nhs. the OP does shift work but it does not say where. we also do not know if dp works shifts, which would be useful to know.