To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

The OP said the ex works in the NHS now and she herself has stressful shift job, didn't mention NHS.
I too would step back and say no a few times see if he will actually step up and get things sorted.
When I was in the NHS we had our rota 6 weeks at a time.

It isn't selfish. I would not wish step parenting on anyone. I refused to date anyone with children or an ex wife in the picture. Is just asking for problems.

It wasnt in the OP, but she later says that she also works in the NHS so knows that shift rotas are released much earlier than the day before. DD is NHS and gets her off rota weeks in advance.

The poor DC. The situation is appalling for them. That’s reason enough to call time on it so please do.

I'd move out.

I bet she doesn't give the precise shifts as she is probably using you for free babysitting half the time. If she tells you her shifts then she can't add extra days here and there.

If he wants an easy life he will need you to be on board with all this. So, do it, give him an ultimatum. He will be much worse off if you aren't there to pick up his slack. And as someone else said, she's not going to stop contact. She can't afford to.

You don’t always have to say yes. I didn’t when I worked in the NHS. I agreed if it suited me but if it didn’t I refused.

Could both parents have the children a week at a time, ie one week on and then one week?

That would stop this happening!

You don’t need to issue an ultimatum. Just stop helping. At all. He doesn’t need to set a boundary with his ex, because you do everything. If you want the situation to change all you have to do is let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Walk into the house, put your pjs on, make yourself something to eat and go and watch tv. Let him work out to get the kids home after an activity. If you don’t think you can just sit there and watch him struggle, stay out late and turn your phone off.

It's not about "she eon't stop him seeing the kids", she absolutely can't stop him, it is not up to her. They have 50/50 custody, which is the norm in the UK and the court's strong preference.

Get a more formal custody arrangement, if needs be, and build in rules and boundaries (e.g. either fixed days, which she will have to manage with childcare on her days) or a flexible approach but finalised at the start of every week.

She can't reduce contact with the kids just because she decides to, the law doesn't work like that, and your husband has equal rights.

Maybe he does. But he’s expecting op to facilitate that, which is not ok. Op also gets a say seeing as she’s being used as the child care, doing a lot of the donkey work by collecting the kids, preparing meals and taking the to activities last minute.

Why is everyone trying to fit the children into her shift patterns? The children’s needs should come first, and changing days randomly plus not knowing where they’re sleeping from day to day is going to cause them much anxiety. It needs to stop and regular days with each parent needs to happen.
OP, your DH needs to go to court for a Child arrangement order - he should have a set routine in place and she should fit her shifts in around the days she doesn’t have her children, or arrange paid for childcare.

Yanbu op. No way would i put up with this

I’d sit down and tell your ex you will be shopping for yourself and your dc, making plans for you and your dc

he will now become responsible for grocery shopping for his dc and cooking for them.

that way you don’t have to try and juggle

Sounds like a nightmare... could you speak to her??

It's irrelevant. The ex is being wholly inappropriate regardless of what work scenarios the OP and partner have

Nothing to suggest the app and DP don't care about them. This is obviously the ex being crap. The OP even says it's not fair on the dc. And she's got every reason to feel resentful. She's not aiming that at the dc. She's saying she's resentful if the whole mess the ex has created.

@Wolframandhart

They obviously werent desperate to appease their first wives when married, realised that managing a home, job and children is actually hard if you are trying to do it well, employ a new woman to take the reins and dont want to piss off the old wife as it will make their life harder again
Still makes no sense as pudding off current wife is going to make his life even harder .

Ultimatums rarely work however this is just being difficult for difficulties sake. Maybe next time you arrive home to find your step children there put them in the car drive them to the hospital and tell their mother yo come and collect them. I would definitely insist on a meeting between the 3 of you to sort this out. If she refuses then refuse to look after them. Your DH needs to grow some she isn't going yo deprive herself of free child care.

You're conflating the issue.
OP willingly does this.

She’s just trying to control your lives, this would drive me nuts aswell. Ultimatum time

Totally agree. She knows she causes chaos.

Only advice I can give is stand your ground, this would drive me mad too. Good luck