To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

Eh no it didn’t

Get your facts straight, the OP didn’t have this information

She's pulling his strings and dictating your life. I wouldn't stand for that

Tbh if I were you I’d threaten him with this, just to point out how much you’re digging them both out of a hole every time you pick up the pieces that these two actual parents fail to spot falling.

Yes, as a step parent with a half sibling to these kids you do have some responsibility to care for them when they’re in your home, But you shouldn't be doing that at expense of your own happiness and ability to care for your own child.

He takes her to court to get it fixed

So he takes them full time and the ex has to request contact and give notice. If she doesn’t the dc stay with you, she doesn’t get to see them and they have a clear routine. She can go to court but a judge will say agreeing contact when you get the rota and not last minute is reasonable. He becomes the default parent. Make it clear if there isn’t a solution you will not be answering your phone or rushing in to save the day and the two of them will have to leave work if necessary to collect the kids same as a single parent would have to do.

Leave him and be THAT ex

What's the actual arrangement? Does it work out at 50/50, 60/40 or whatever, however haphazard it is?

It was in her second post.

Why don’t people read all the OP’s posts before leaping in?

Yeah it's insane, I'd be pulling out the big guns and telling him it's over unless he sorts this shite out.

Were you the OE by any chance, if so she's punishing you.

Sorry O W.

Yes, issue the ultimatum. And follow through afterwards.

It goes back to a set 50/50, and she deals with her childcare issues on her time on her own, OR she provides her schedule 3/4 weeks in advance, as she gets it. IF she fails to do so, her set days are her problem to sort. End of.

This

Hmm I wonder if your ExH got a day to himself?? I expect not…

@VegTrug

Given he doesn't work. He gets 4 days a week to himself.

My job is full time nights. In a high level surgical neonatal intensive care unit. It can be quite physically and emotionally draining.

Thankfully we have a great co parent relationship these days so if I need time out he's more than happy to take the boys, and vice versa...

Not unreasonable and not a hard problem to fix.

I'm Assuming rotas are done well in advance.

Have you posted about this before?

Can you not just have them full time and she can have a taste of difficult arrangements in seeing them

He has just as much ability to keep/withold the children as she does. He can just collect them
From
School if she tries it on.

why Did they split? Sounds like he feels guilty?

NHS worker here and my shifts absolutely can change with a day or 2 notice. Luckily my exh understands this and puts our kids ahead of anything or anyone.
If you don't want to have DSC don't get with or have a child with someone who already has children!

The only way this is going to stop is if he puts his foot down and refuses to have the children when she dictates. There is no other way around it.
This would drive me absolutely insane, I’d have kicked up a fuss about this a long time ago.

Is he cowardly or afraid of things getting worse? What exactly went on in that relationship?

Invite her to mediation and let the mediatior explain how unreasonable she is being, so your DP has some backup?

As an NHS worker the shifts can only change when we agree to them .We are certainly not forced to swap shifts.