To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

[PicassoDiBablo]

I've honestly had enough of this situation and don't know if I'm being over dramatic to consider leaving if DH doesn't do more to sort this, it's driving me insane.

DH shares children with his ex. They are 7 DSD and 10 DSS. We have been together 5 years.

His ex wife about two years ago completed her nursing studies and has since been working full time in the NHS.

DH has always had SDC 50% of the week, when we first met and until a couple of years ago the days were set. DH agreed when she started work that he would accommodate her shifts instead- fine.

The problem is she never let's us know when they are. Not with more than a day's notice if that.

It's an absolute mess, no one knows where or what's going on week from week. She refuses to send a copy of her rota and just says "sorry she forgot" or ignores him completely when ever DH complains.

The whole thing is a nightmare, we cannot plan anything, the children don't know where they are from one moment to the next, I never know if I'm coming home from my own stressful shift job to a house full or not. Meal planning is basically impossible.

I hate it, I resent it, I resent her, I resent DH for not dealing with it, I resent DSC randomly turning up with next to no notice, I resent having to alter and change our plans all the time, I resent having to help with SDC at the last minute because no one else can because shes left it to the last minute again, I resent that our DD has to have her life arranged around a selfish ex girlfriend which I fear ill only resent more as she gets older (she's only 2).

DH wants an easy life and is terrified she'll stop him seeing the children if he complains too much. I'm so close to saying he does something about it (official) or I'm gone.

I'm not asking for set days, but surely a few weeks notice is not much to ask?

Aibu to say I can't live like this anymore.

You’ve got a massive husband problem.
she tells him last minute she’s working because he has always accommodated that and switched his life around/ forced you to switch your life around to accommodate her this.
Can you stay somewhere else for a while to force him to deal with it all on his own? It sounds like you’re picking up a lot of strings last minute to accommodate him and her. You need to stop doing that. And tell him he needs to choose between dealing with this or having 2 ex wives.

She can’t stop him from seeing them. Do you have the money for a solicitor ? Not saying you should sue her or anything, but he needs to speak to one to understand his legal rights and routes to dealing with it.

Considering she has no other family to help, I’d be issuing her an ultimatum
she give you her rotas in advance or you will only agree to set days with no changes going forward.
In work for NHS and get my rotas 4-6 weeks in advance. X

Most nhs now work on eroster, duty is usually out 6 weeks in advance minimum. She's playing you both.

Yes, they can change but I refuse to believe that they change so much that you never know when you are working. Every shift doesn’t change every week, every month.

2nd post

I also work in the NHS so I'm aware that rotas are planned more than 1 day in advance too.

2nd OP post

"I also work in the NHS so I'm aware that rotas are planned more than 1 day in advance too "

@ZekeZeke you should read more than just the first post!

And so what if OP was a SAHP, that does not make her their assistant.

I get my NHS rota 6-8 weeks ahead.
I've got til 11th Jan.

I really dislike women like this who think they have the right to control their ex forever, basically using the kids as weapons. Your DH has to man up and insist on the rota, otherwise it’s set days only.

I was going to say exactly this. Let your husband turn it around and let the ex know when she can have the children. He can't be afraid to confront her at the expense of your relationship

Foot down for the sake the kids who are in the middle of this.

Why haven't you been to court?

I would give him a deadline to apply for mediation. Tell him that if he cant solve this himself he needs to get a third party involved who is neutral and who is focused on what is best for the kids.

Then he tells his ex that this is what he wants and keeps repeating the phrase that it is in the DCs best interest to have as much clarity and as much simplicity as possible. Thats something that his ex would want too right?? So he's not arguing with her, he's just putting the DC first.

If she wont agree to mediation he should take it to court.

She wont stop him seeing them. He is her childcare.

Maybe he wants to see his kids as much as he possibly can.

Why don’t you go to court and get an order made?

You can issue your ultimatum of course - they are not your kids, you don't have to do anything for them really - and he can also turn around and say he's (for whatever reason) not wanting to confront her - so you then leave him. I dont think, or it doesn't sound like the ex has much recourse to childcare so im not sure why he would think there was a chance of that happening, but he does sound spineless for whatever reason, so you can either choose to stay and he doesn't change - or you leave. These poor children are the ones i feel sorry for the most. Just make sure youre prepared to follow through with said ultimatum. My SIL issued my brother one, never followed through.

Exactly. This is not a good enough reason to not share her rota, which makes any proper planning impossible.

DH needs to stand up for everyone else in the family and call her bluff

Sounds like a power play. DH needs to get on top of this. It’s awful for everyone.

Yeah, I agree. Why would he mind having them extra, they're his babies too.

And so what if they just 'turn up' it's their home. The only thing I would say is if it is last minute/ad hoc, she has to drop them off or cancel the clubs. Not on you to run around unless you don't mind. Which you do. So your partner needs to do it. Problem solved. You're stressing over something that isn't such a big deal, just hand the responsibility rains back to them to sort the pick up/drop offs.

Also, how many shifts does she do? Likely step children only with you 3 max 4 nights 1x a month if she is full time.

Why don’t you always just prepare for the extra child to be there, then she can just fit in whenever she gets there, should be her home too.

OP does say she works in the NHS though…

Let H deal with the kids. Let him do the pick ups, drop offs, meals, uniform washing , homework ect. You make plans for yourself and your DC and don't drip them to be the the adhoc childcare. They are his kids and his responsibility. Let the last minute nonsense be him problem to solve. The more you pick up the slack the less motivated he will be to do something about it.

I don't think your unreasonable wanting to give him an ultimatum. I wouldn't want to live like that. However, I'm ts probably best to get your ducks in a row so you can follow through.

Just don't get involved. They knew they had kids when they had them

So what does he say when you point that out to him? I know it's really difficult where DSC are concerned but I think I would tell him the situation is too much for you, your child and his children. It's affecting everyone and you have had enough of it. Make him realise that he stands to loose you if he carries on being so pathetic with his ex.
She's not going to stop him seeing the kids (he has them 50% of the time and is her only source of childcare) so what's his real reason for refusing to put you and his children first!