To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

[BusyOnMyPhone]

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

I haven't read the full thread, but I actually think you're showing your daughter a lack of respect here. She's made her own decision as an adult, and even though you don't agree I don't think making her feel awkward about it is very nice for her. It's not up to you, and if another adult tried to force their opinion on me like that I wouldn't be too happy and I certainly wouldn't feel supported. I know it's more complicated because she's your daughter, but I think you should show her that you respect her choices and are there for her. Even though he's clearly a piece of shit.

OP I am so sorry your DD and family are going through this. Your DD is making excuses for his behaviour so saying all men cheat, all men look at the menu etc it's sad that this is her way of dealing with this. Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for her to go through her feelings and fears in a way that will give her the tools to deal with this.
She knows he is not good for her but she is also choosing to allow him to treat her poorly.
Actions prove more than words, have her friends had her back over the cheating? She sounds stubborn and wants to prove he is decent problem is he is not.
Keep calm at some point she will see through the bullshit also keep your friends close and your enemies closer I would make that horrors life hell, reel him in and destroy him. Wait until DD leaves him alone with you and tell him you will never accept a pathetic little boy who cannot keep it in his pants. Make him so uncomfortable he squirms and dreads seeing you. Be smart about it. DD deserves better and it's up to you to kick his arse to the curb. Push into every activity never give him the chance to say anything remotely derogatory about her.

Just had the idea to read all the OP posts instead of the full thread, and seen the updates about what a clearly horrendous person he is!! Changes my response a bit that he's been verbally abusive and tried to blame the other woman - I understand you wanting to protect her. Very awkward position for you to be in OP.

Nope. My DD walks on him fucking another girl and he gaslights her and is verbally abusive toward her afterward—he’s not welcome in my home to ruin Christmas for me, DH, and other DCs. No way.

I wouldn't have him in my home either. Make him see that actions have consequences and he won't be accepted back so easily - if DD doesn't see that she should be valued, this will at least send the message from somewhere else.

What a difficult position. I can understand where you are coming from you don’t want to spend time or money on someone who is not treating your dc well.
What does your dc want? It can’t go back to how it was before.
I think my line would be I don’t want to spend my time with people I dislike. I’ll tolerate him if our paths cross for your sake.

All you’re doing is pushing her away.

Is it possible though that he is very young and made a stupid mistake that he won't make again? That does happen you know. I snogged a few people when I was in my early twenties when I had a boyfriend and it didn't make me a cheating twat for life. You sound very very involved in your daughters love life and if anything, you being judgemental will drive her towards him, not away. You say she is secretive - if she feels you will be nasty about someone she loves and judgemental that will continue. If he is a cheating horrible person and will continue to be so, then you need to stay in her life so she doesn't isolate herself and move in with him etc. She is at the age to make mistakes and learn from them. You can't stop it, but you can make sure you are there to help her pick up the pieces.

A dear friend of mine cheated in her relationship when she was quite young. It was a hideous mistake which she has always regretted. She's been happily married to the same man for over 20 years. We all make mistakes. If she can move past it, I think you need to try and do the same or risk your relationship with her.

Does she gaslight and call him names in regards to the incident?

I think you need to suck it up to be honest and just be there for your DD. Maybe it was a one off and he won’t do it again but you risk ostracising DD and giving her nowhere to turn if he cheats again. Yes I’d want to punch him too but do it for your DD and not for him

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer! I remember my mum being exactly the same with me and my first love (who was also a cheating twat). But I knew it all and I'd be damned if I was to be apart from him. Ahh, hindsight, life experience and getting older are a truly wonderful combination. Turns out, I grew to see him for what he was and when I did, the only person I wanted was my mum. Be there for her, not for him. Life teaches us so many lessons, in the wrong order mostly! As a mum of 2 girls now, I know I'd be just like my own mum if I was faced with this situation again. He may be enjoying the fact that you are pushing her away and into his arms, although you may not mean to x

We have this with our ds girlfriend. She's basically alienated him from us. Now we have to accept her and keep our mouths shout or we would never see him. We hardly see him anyway but we'd never see him