To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

[BusyOnMyPhone]

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

Yep.

I think the risk you face is if they stay together that alienating him will in turn alienate her and then who has she got to go to if she wants to leave, if she needs some support? You run the risk of him becoming her whole world and then she’s stuck with the twat.

Let her know you think he doesn’t deserve her but you love and respect her and will tolerate him in the house if she wants you to. She needs to know you’re on her side.

Did he kiss someone or sleep with someone? I do t trust him but I’d be more include to give the appearance of the benefit of the doubt if it was a kiss at that age.

The thing that worries me is that your daughter is still worrying and doesn’t feel secure. It feels like a power imbalance that isn’t emotionally safe of healthy for her.

Honestly he was an evil genius. My DB was grounded for months (rightly) for drinking at a party then driving his friends home, and sneaked out anyway.

DF organised him a “surprise party” for when he climbed back in the window, and was standing in his room with a banner saying “SURPRISE! Enjoy the bus, I’m selling your car” painted on an old bedsheet, and a party popper

😬

Oh I’d be having him over so I could keep my beady eyes on him and how he was treating my daughter

Ugh. I feel for you.
I’m crossing everything that my step-teenager doesn’t get back together with his ex girlfriend, as I just don’t want her in the house. (I know I’ll have to suck it up, though.)

She cheated on him pretty spectacularly at the end of the summer. There’s been geographical separation as they’re at separate unis but they’ll be in the same town when the term ends and I fear a Christmas re-coupling.

She’s also just an incredibly rude person, and it was taking lots of my energy just to let that go, let alone the cheating.

Excellent advice, the decision to forgive is hers. If you want to maintain a relationship with her you need to find a way to respect this.

Bloody hell, mind your own business. She's an adult. Let her live her life even if she's making dubious choices.

I already said I think YABVU in my earlier post, but something else you should consider is what happens if the BF ends things with your DD because he's weary of the bad feeling and rejection from her family? Irrespective of whether he would be sincere in that or not, your DD is in love with him and will likely blame you all, perhaps for a very, very long time.

Honestly, you have massively overstepped in your behaviour to him and you are doing your DD no favours at all. This isn't about you and your hurt, this is about your daughter and what she believes she wants.

She forgave him. That’s all that really matters here. It’s not about you unfortunately. You don’t have to like him but you should respect her decision to forgive him. He may be a wrongun and she may have made a big mistake but it’s her mistake unfortunately. Don’t try to live her life for her, just be there when it blows up.

I think you need to trust her judgment or risk being cut off and not seeing grandchildren if they happen.

personally I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, he was drunk young foolish. People learn and change. give him a second chance.

yes it’s normal to be protective but she is an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions and mistakes, just as you were in your 20s.

Completely agree. You are not the boss of her love life, back off!!

I wouldn’t worry about Christmas because if you and your family carry on she won’t be spending it at your house she’ll be spending it with him and his family. All you’re going to achieve is pushing her away. He didn’t cheat on you or your husband she chose to take him back so I think you really need to get over it.

He’s undeniably a twat. But don’t create a situation where it’s them against the world. I think if you do this then it’s actually a lot less likely to run its course naturally. You don’t need to be his best friend but making her hide things from you actually pushes her more towards him.

As crap as it is you need to support her decision.

I can see my DH doing exactly this but he would probably do the potato wedges in Tesco thing too 😅

There are a lot of assumptions going on here - where is the evidence that he is controlling her?

He could be a really lovely young man who worships DD, but who made one very, very stupid, immature, drunken mistake.

Or he could be a thoughtless wanker who is always letting her down and the drunken shag is just the tip of the iceburg.

Both these scenarios are possible but the OP hasn't given enough information about the wider view of their relationship because it's all about the OP's feelings.

I think this is a good plan if you can do it. Another thread where a woman in her early 20s thinks she wants to stay with her teen boyfriend. I had boyfriends at that age but I would have run a mile if there was a sniff of “settling down” together.

I think this is a good opportunity to remind her of boundary setting. Your boundary in this is that your relationship with her doesn't change. Your relationship with her & the existence of a boyf doesn't change. Her talking to you about boyf (good, bad) doesn't change, you're still her confidant & safe place & you'll always listen & never judge.

But you don't want to see his stupid face in your home for the foreseeable future. Maybe one day, but not yet. He's still at risk of frozen potato wedges being wanged at his head ;)

She'd likely feel the same towards a bellend that did this to her best friend - love her unconditionally, will not tolerate him. It's not judging her, it's judging him.

Be lighthearted & honest about it. Point out that she is being true to herself & you HAVE to be true to yourself. To you he's committed the cardinal sin of hurting your child - that takes a loooong time to forgive.

I would have a heart to heart calm conversation with her. Not about splitting up, but explain that early life decisions we make can be very difficult, but the different outcomes need to be carefully considered. On the one hand she needs to ask herself how much she trusts him now. Enough to commit to him? To set up home with him? To have children with him? Does she want to make this her life. If all the answers are positive then so be it, that’s her life. It might work out ok. If there’s the slightest doubt, she needs to be honest, because messing up, lack of trust, being shackled to a life of mistrust, domestic drudgery, poorly thought about children is going to impact her for the rest of her life, and that of her children, and to whatever extent the rest of her family has to pitch in and help sort out the mess.
If she does choose to stay with him, then her first commitment is for them to find somewhere to live, neutral territory so that they can sort out their issues away from parents. I would be setting some boundaries in terms of visiting your home, what occurs with children come along, what sort of contact you might want to have. Tell her you don’t at this stage trust him, but if it’s what she wants, then she makes her choice and lives with it and it will be an arms length relationship until he regains your trust. Hopefully, it might work out, but it’s her choice, and if she is truly sensible, she will think long and hard. Her decision, but that decision is going to impact your lives as well, and she needs to know this.

Forget the boyfriend, of course you're going to dislike him. Kill him with kindness he isn't your concern.

Focus on your daughter and that relationship. Every action and conversation with her needs to give her the biggest message of we support you whatever. We will always be here for you whatever happens, forever. Whenever you can build her up. Keep tabs on her support around her hobbies,friends, life goals. The more she has a life outside of the boyfriend the less of a loss it is to lose him.He won't be her whole world.

The last thing you want is in years to come maybe she's with another abusive boyfriend or the abuse with this one continues/escalates. Maybe she lives with him and is pregnant. Feels trapped but doesn't want to come home to face you and feel like she's let you down.

I had to eventually start talking to somebody who cheated on a beloved family member. It took several years and the family member insisting on it so I do get where you're coming from. (ETA: they are still together and I still think my family member deserves better).

In this case, I think you all not talking to him (or having him in your house, etc) means he hasn't yet had to face the full consequences of what he did. Him being present but it not being the same as it used to be, even if you're all making an effort for your DD's sake, might be enough for HIM to decide to end it so he can find another GF where he can go back to thinking of himself as a decent person when he's with the new GF's family.

Edit: typo

She’s far too young to be thinking about looking for somewhere to live with him and having children

Stop judging, OP, because it makes you sound ridiculous. You daughter has chosen to forgive - rightly or wrongly, that is her choice. And let's not forget, forgiveness is one of the great Christian virtues, and it takes a lot of courage to do it. Why wouldn't you support your daughter? If you want to destroy your relationship with her, you're going the right way about it.

OP, this just makes you sound like a hysterical child. What mature, sensible adult wants to "smash his face in"? Your daughter would be better off moving out, tbh.