To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

[BusyOnMyPhone]

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

I was in similar situation and your driving your dd to stay with him by banning him from the house and refusing to acknowledge their relationship. Even when I wanted to break up with bf I wouldn't admit it as I didn't want everyone saying they were right and why did I stay with him. It dragged relationship out longer than it should. If me parents had been neutral abut him I prob ably would gave confided in them and dumped his ass sooner

If you deny him when she has forgiven him, ultimately you will deny her.

It's her choice, not yours to make.

Exactly.

Very sad that her bar is so low. Even at her age I would not have forgiven him.

Nope I wouldn't have him over. What a mug she is, hope she sees sense soon

I'm always mystified why women stay in relationships with scummy men when they don't live together/kids.
No ties, dump him.

It was full sex with another girl while DD was downstairs in the same house. She walked into the room while they were at it. Shitbag actually blamed the girl for taking advantage of him but I don’t believe he’d have been able to do it if he was as drunk as he said - brewers droop?

I can’t understand how she can be with him with that image in her head which she cried about for weeks. She was absolutely traumatised and lost her job at the time over it.

I think that’s top level cheating and the fact he did it while she was in the same house shows he really didn’t gaf if they got caught.

He’s also been verbally abusive to her and called her names on occasion since this happened.

We’ve told her he knows he can get away with anything now.

She’s 23.

Don’t see why you have to have him back over. You haven’t seen him since he cheated, you don’t need to have him over for Christmas.

I’d be straight with her, verbally abusing her when he’s also cheated?! I couldn’t help but strongly discourage the relationship, having him over would be a big no no.

All you're doing is making life more difficult for your daughter.

I'm reading with interest as I have a very similar situation, my DS gf is a narcissistic liar who has caused problem after problem, just in the last 3 weeks caused issue with 3 people in my household, including his 82 yr old grandma yet my son still (head in the sand) insists she is allowed to come in the house as its his house too. Currently know we are in a no win situation as if we ban her from the house, she gets to play the victim that we are the baddies, or we let her in the house and there's no recourse to her attacking and causing argument, lying and manipulation with 3 members of my household. She ruins every single special event, this is the run up to Christmas. We know there will be more to come, but powerless to prevent it.

By banning him you make her secretive and if things turn shit she won't tell you. Your pushing her away.

It's up to her unfortunately, she's an adult. You have to let her make her own decisions and mistakes. All you can do it make sure she knows you will be there for her if he does it again and that she absolutely doesn't need to put up with bad behaviour from him.
The way you're behaving now is more likely to drive her away and end up with her distancing herself from you which isn't what you want because she won't turn to you for help if he hurts her again.

Don't have him in your house.
In my younger day, my 3 yr old partner created and my parents said he was no longer allowed in the house!
Best thing they done.

I have been in her situation and it's crippling to be living a separate life

Would you meet with him and tell him exactly how you feel in order to try and move forward even if civil rather than forgiving

Come on, it's not. If you accept someone into your home you need to be at least civil. This kind of behaviour could alienate both of them.

She's not.
Speaking from experience. I'm the daughter in the situation.

I would be upset if it was my daughter in this situation but ultimately I would respect her decisions. It is her relationship, not yours, so she gets to set the parameters.

Could you pay for her to have some individual counselling to improve her self esteem? She clearly doesn’t have the confidence to think she can do better.

Other people have answered the majority of your post far better than I could @BusyOnMyPhone , but I just wanted to address this.

"I don’t believe he’d have been able to do it if he was as drunk as he said - brewers droop"

As someone with the required equipment, alcohol does not affect things in the way your implying for all men, in fact for some it has the opposite effect.

I make no judgement on whether your daughters boyfriend was capable of consent or not, it's more likely that he just fancied a shag, but noone on this post has enough info to know really. But an erection is not proof of consent.

Is she on MN? Maybe that is where she has heard ‘all men do it’ as that seems to be the MN standard

Ah but……..she’s not living in her own house, on her own terms with this creep. She’s at home, sounding very very young, emotionally distressed, dare I say putting up what she thinks is a brave front, totally naïve about the distress she is making for the loved ones around her. She’s either old enough to make her own decisions, in which case, ta ta off you go, see how it works out, please don’t get pregnant, we will always be here for you, or, think really carefully about the impact this is having on her, on her parents, on the rest of her life. Why shackle your hopes on a proven scumbag first time round🤷‍♀️ Get out while the going is good, as any intelligent, free thinking, wised up individual would do.

I agree with you. You don't know that they will be together in a few years or that they will have children. He might cheat again and DD will finally get rid. Or she'll wake up and find someone better. Stop thinking about ifs and buts on what the future might bring Right now you can't stand him, it's your house and you decide who you want in your home. End of

This. Because she won't pick you.