To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

[BusyOnMyPhone]

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

I understand how you feel, however I think by taking this stance several things could happen.
She won't confide in you.
She might feel pushed even further into the relationship.
She can't actually see the wood for the trees here, and needs the head space to do that.
She might decide to leave home and set up home with him.
If she did the latter and had children with him, you might not get to see them.
She is a adult, she needs to think this through for herself, and you might need to give her support in her decision. As much as it pains you, that would be better from a non judgemental position.

I'd be neutral on the face of it but help her fund some trips away with new people, go on a course somewhere, a Christmas or summer in some far off land. Show her there is far more to life than this.

This is boss level parenting

I have a friend whose DM did something similar - all delivered with a friendly smile! He pushed off quite quickly as well.

I like this plan

I understand your perspective, but I think you are not achieving what you want, and are isolating your daughter.

I recommend looking at resources for supporting victims of abuse - and reading about how isolating it can be when family opposes the relationship.

You can communicate to your daughter that you don’t support the relationship because of how she is being harmed (not was, it’s up to her to decide whether to forgive or not, but it sounds like she hasn’t gotten past this), but if you freeze her out you risk pushing her to him. You risk her not being able to tell you sure needs help.

how would you feel if she doesn’t come to family Christmas because she doesn’t want him to be excluded? After a year it’s obvious that she isn’t going to leave him because you’ve asked/told her to. All that’s happening is her hiding the relationship.

If you feel in physical danger from his behaviour it would be different.

Many years ago my cousin was in the same position, she took her bf back after he cheated. It caused a massive falling out with her parents and she went to live with our Grandparent. Cousin married a couple of years later, without her parents there, we all went, but it was so very sad as she was very close to her parents. They did reconcile with her parents when she became pregnant. They are still together married over 35 years. As hard as it is, your DD has forgiven him and I don’t know what I would do in your situation, but maybe small steps to let him back in.

One thing to think about is not making her feel she can't tell you anything about him for fear you hate him more or say "we told you so". This can make her increasingly isolated from you and dependent on him.

Stand by your decision op. Very refreshing to hear your stance, usually people are running after and accepting all sorts of crap from their children because they 'fear' losing them.
If your dd wants to be stupid, then don't support her stupidity. Let her make her mistakes and suffer the consequences. Be there for her, but you don't have to accept anything about him either.

I mean it is shit she has taken him back but she is only early 20s and she may well wake up one day as she matures and have the epiphany that leads her to leave for good. However until then she is an adult and not really your place to do this. You can disagree which is understandable but not letting him in the house where she lives will lead to her resenting you and distancing herself.

I didn’t expect it would last this long tbh and I’m flabbergasted that it still is tbh.
@BusyOnMyPhone

Perhaps accepting your dd's choice and autonomy might change the dynamic and end things sooner.

I'm not saying it's your fault they're still together but the fact that she has to be secretive about the relationship and can't talk to you about it, can't even bring him up in normal conversation let alone have him in the house, adds another layer of "we're in this together" against the rest of the family/world.

A similar thing happened with my dd although dd didn't live full time with us (ar university), I absolutely know how hard it is to let the bastard back in the house but once we let go of our hurt and anger on her behalf I think she felt more trusted to make her own decisions and soon decided that actually she didn't still want to be with him anymore.

As long as your constantly fighting her decision she's defending it harder by staying with him.

I can see how annoyed you are and quite rightly. I’d have been devastated too as I have a daughter but there will be more to him than the mistake he made and it may be that he is genuinely sorry. My sister’s boyfriend cheated on her at a similar age but never again and they have kids and a ridiculously happy life now. Been together 30 years. She sees it as part of him growing up, awakening sexually. He’s an amazing man and makes her so happy.

Maybe have him over, see what you think of him and quietly have a word with him that if he ever disrespects her again he will have more than your daughter to deal with. You never know, you might end up really liking him.

Good god you are being massively unreasonable. What gives you the right to be judge and jury above the wishes of your own daughter?

Firstly, as several PPs have pointed out, this absolute hardline stance in no way helps your daughter. You are simultaneously isolating her and communicating to her the fact that you think she is an idiot who can't be trusted to make her own decisions. Your role here should be to make sure your DD knows that you have her back, that she deserves to be treated well, and she can change her mind about continuing this relationship anytime she wants. Beyond that, yuu need to back the hell off and support her. Your behaviour is infantalising her.

Secondly, this guy has clearly behaved like a collosal knob on this occasion, but they are still very young. Young people make mistakes. Apart from this one incident, what is is behaviour like in general? I think that is far more important than a single immature drunken fuck up.

I can think of several couples who met young (at university and in their early twenties) who went through similar things when they were young but who all settled down to have solid, faithful relationships - myself included. I'm extremely glad my parents didn't behave like yours because I might have missed out on a very happy 30 year relationship and a loving marriage that is still going strong.

As a previous poster has said, you don't want her to have to pick between you. Time to put on a poker face and accept him back.

Can I ask, because if does make a big difference, are we talking cheating as in kissing somebody else, or sleeping with somebody else? It does make a big difference here I think

I’m not going into detail but I was in a similar situation at that age. My parents behaved the exact opposite to you. We’re very happily married, kids, my family adore him. Maybe it’s different because he is a genuinely great person who did a really stupid thing and my parents could see that.

I'm glad to read your last paragraph OP. You need to let this go. She needs to come to things in her own time and if you make the whole it's us against the world thing emotions go on, that might happen.

You are being ridiculous. It is none of your business. The way you are behaving will lead your dd to think twice about confiding in you in the future. They are only 20. You are over reacting.

You don't have to like him but at the moment your daughter has decided he is the one for her. I totally understand your attitude towards him and her relationship with him. Unfortunately, you have now created a situation, where if there was a problem, she's unlikely to tell you. She'd know all she'd hear is 'We told you so', 'Why did you stay with him' and she wouldn't want to hear it. I am speaking from experience, many years ago I was where your daughter is!! My parents made me feel I had to sneak around and be secretive, even though I was a grown adult. My parents were openly hostile at the mere mention of my boyfriend's name. You need to take a huge step back, and stop involving yourself - I know that's hard. It's her life and decision. No, you can't carry on banning him from the house, you will drive your daughter away (again I speak from experience). You're going to have to put your big girl pants on, bite your tongue and be polite and engaging. You can throw darts at an effigy in private later!!! In my situation, I realised myself what a rat my boyfriend was, even though it was glaringly obvious, and left of my own accord. Eventually your daughter will do the same, you just need to hang in there. In the meantime, you need her to feel he's accepted enough, that she will turn to you for help, when the time comes.

I’m on the fence here. In one hand I think you’re right to want to throttle him - he’s hurt your DD and doesn’t deserve her or your family but on the other hand she is an adult and needs to make her own mistakes and being full on will only drive her further into his arms.

I think you could have a proper conversation with your DD to say, I know you’ve forgiven him and are prepared to move on but I’m just not there yet. I support you in any decision you make to stay but he’s still not earnt the family trust which means he isn’t welcome at the Christmas table etc but maybe he can come to XXX (something outside the house).

You have to accept him or risk losing your daughter.

She's being forced to choose between the two timing arsehole she loves and has forgiven, and her parents.

You may not win.

It would have been better to sort this out years ago rather than let it fester.

A quick 'don't you ever cheat on my daughter again or I'll kick your head in" at the time follows by forgiveness and acceptance would have been my road. It's too late to say that now. And, as it's been at least a year, he's not cheated again so has proven he can be loyal.

You and her siblings need to but out of her business. Perhaps have him round next week or something and that'll let you see him again and reassess the situation re Christmas. Even later on on Christmas Day 'for pudding'. You may surprise yourself.

Remember it's about what she wants. Not what you want.
She's the one you want to be happy. Even if he is a prick. But he may not be nowadays....

You could try the opposite. My aunt and uncle hated one of their (5!) daughters' boyfriend, as did all the family. They killed him with kindness, invited him to every family event etc until the daughter saw for herself that he really didn't "fit in" with their family and dumped him. She realised she was worth more. Might work? Certainly better than potentially alienating your daughter and losing her.

You see I think these are natural reactions from the rest of the family towards a loved one who has been treated so badly..
I think he may be doing a bit of a number on her- all men cheat etc - playing mind games.
Obviously he doesn't sound a nice guy at all. I'd have concerns for your DD going forward.
If he comes round I'd let the DH/DS have a chat with him on their own if they want to and I think it's fine to be cool and somewhat unwelcoming to the little shit. I'd watch him like a hawk, leopards don't usually change their spots and I think you'll need to pick up the pieces again.

Haha, this is genius

You could do a pure devious move and manipulate the situation so she sees sense.

Wow you sound like a violent family. Disturbing.