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Original poster

To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

163 replies

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:50

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 10/11/2024 17:11

BeMintTraybake · 10/11/2024 01:20

Suck it up and play nice

I had an abusive boyfriend from 18 to 25. He was ( rightfully so ) excluded from my family / family occasions. Now I'm an adult, I get it, but as a teenager/ young women

It very much felt like it was ME being judged by my family, made it so I tried harder to keep up the pretence that everything was okay ( because I didnt want to face the I told you so ect ) and I didnt reach out for support when I needed it

Instead of it being a brief relationship, the lack of support + my own naive mindset, it ended up being 7 years and 2 babies.

Play nice and she will get bored of him quicker

Agreed. This was what happened to me too. My parents reaction made it harder to leave.

Octopies · 10/11/2024 17:40

I would have one heart to heart conversation where you lay your cards on the table to DD how it's not ok to be cheated on in a relationship and how she deserves better. You'll agree to let him come over, but you don't need to be his friend. You're tolerating him coming over and being civil to him because you love your daughter, not because you think he's a good boyfriend.

WhatHaveIDone21 · 10/11/2024 17:42

I have been in a similar situation except I was older and married with children. My parents were obviously very upset but handled it really well. They had words with him and from then on carried on as normal. Friends who didn't agree with me taking him back (and told me quite vociferously) have gradually drifted out of my life.

I understand how awful it must be for you and I would hate for my DC to ever be in the same situation. But had my mum acted the same as my friends I can see that I would have distanced myself from her too. So all you are doing is creating distance between you which may result in her not turning to you in the future should she need to.

Klippityklopp · 10/11/2024 18:09

I think you have to decide what you do more, hate him or love her.

He's hurt your DD, I'd be mightily pissed off too, you don't need to like him, you don't need to accept any feeble apology he comes away with and he doesn't need to be invited to family events but you do need to accept that this is your DD's decision to stay with him and stop criticising her for making it.
The last thing you want to happen is her having to choose between yous, it might not end the way you wish

PrimalOwl10 · 10/11/2024 18:12

Did you post about this at the time?
You're actually pushing her closer to him by shunning him.

LynetteScavo · 10/11/2024 19:34

I think situations like this is when they saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is good advice.

What if they get married and he decides he doesn't want you at the wedding, or you refuse to go doesn't let you in the house, when they've had children?

I'd invite him round and let him know I was watching him closely, but I have a reputation of being a bit scary with my DCs friends that I don't like.

Sometimesright · 10/11/2024 21:05

OAPapparently · 10/11/2024 01:01

I wouldn’t want him in the house either, but I think in this instance it’s best to keep your enemy close until she sees sense and hopefully dumps him.
If you are hostile towards him, it could make her just leave and stubbornly build a life with him full of regret.
Just be there for her. You are doing it for her, not him. You don’t want to make her feel isolated by making it difficult for her to talk to you about him.

This! also you don’t want her thinking if she comes to you with a problem it will be all “ I told you so” it might make her stay with him when she doesn’t want to .
she needs to know you have her back even if you don’t like her partner. Personally I would be polite to him and keep your opinions to yourself for now. Don’t criticise him to your dd either

Onlyadaughter · 11/11/2024 13:23

This happened to a friend of mine, twice your DDs age and no ties. She took him back after the cheating, her parents said they didn't want him in their house. She brings him along to family events and they say hi but no chummy chatting. It's been over a year now and I'm not sure if he's still not welcome in their home. She's dropped a number of friends including myself so not sure what's happening.

Laura95167 · 11/11/2024 18:16

I understand your feelings, but she is an adult and able to make her own decisions. You say you brought her up to be feisty and independence, well she's used that independence to pick him.

Do I agree with her choice? No. Do I think its a good idea? No.

But if you make this about your feelings you do risk pushing her away and make her be stubborn about this. If she realises he's a pig she might stay for fear of an I told you so. I welcome him in, choke on my disgust and have him where I can keep an eye on him. Because if this is who he is it'll happen again and she will need to feel able to come to you without judgment. Alternatively he may have made a hideous mistake and be desperate to mend bridges but you'll only know if you let him in.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 11/11/2024 18:18

Sorry OP, but it's not your business. DD has decided to take him back and it's her life. You'll be around to support her if it goes wrong again.

MustWeDoThis · 11/11/2024 18:32

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 00:50

Or should we get over it because she has?

She’s been with him for 3 years, he cheated on her a year ago. She walked in on it actually happening during a party at his house. Saw it all. Massively traumatic and she was hysterical. Initially dumped him but then got back with him a few months later after he chased her. We were absolutely gobsmacked (and furious). No way DH or I would stay together if one of us had done that despite having DC and she knew we fully had her back and we wanted to do him some harm. We certainly didn’t model to her to stay with someone who disrespects you and causes you massive emotional pain, quite the opposite. She’s quite feisty personality wise too so it was shocking when she admitted she was back with him.

She accepted his excuse (drunk) but we were hoping she’d wake up eventually as maybe still in shock and get rid of him completely but she hasn’t and she’s completely in love with him. It makes my skin crawl. We refused to have him as part of the family or anywhere near the house afterwards (DD still lives at home) and she is pretty secretive about her relationship with him which also worries me as in a normal situation, he’d be a part of the family and she could tell us what’s going on/ask advice if anything is bothering her about her relationship.

She’s only early 20’s, obviously no DC, they don’t live together and have no ties so we just can’t understand why she insists on staying with him after he did the unforgivable. She has other options other than staying with a disgusting twat like him. We’ve discussed if she has kids with him, that it might come back to haunt her when she’s vulnerable and she’ll resent him but be tied to him for life with DC etc. I can’t imagine how she’d want to have DC with him but she does! He’s her first and only boyfriend and she can’t see herself ever with someone else.

I’ve said to DH we can’t keep on shunning him as it’s gone on too long and it could lead to her distancing herself from us if they move in together or have DC, or stuff going on that we won’t know about. He doesn’t want anything to do with him and nor do I but we’re going to have to?

I would not enable the ease of such a relationship. I wouldn't let him in. I would tell my daughter that while those may be her standards- They are not yours and you will not be made to feel anger and uncomfortable in your own home, by being made to put up with someone who seriously hurt your child and caused them a lot of distress.

VivienneBMama · 11/11/2024 19:15

It must be so horrible to have seen her go through that and so awful to have to make small talk with him or welcome him back.
if you don’t though, it turns them into star crossed lovers , the more it’s forbidden the more she’ll want it . Also like others have said she might not feel she can turn to you or be honest with you if he’s totally ostracised. You can ease him back in and make it a bit more bearable for everyone without it being completely condoned.

aCatCalledFawkes · 11/11/2024 19:24

I don't think there is any point in banning him from the house because it will just force her to go elsewhere with him and which will push her further away from you.
Atm you need to be her safe people to pick it all up when it goes wrong again. As a family you need to make it clear you support her and there is nothing that could come between you, to him you need to play the nice card to show that you have given him every opportunity to redeem himself even if you don't mean it.

JawsCushion · 11/11/2024 19:24

If this was my daughter I would say I'm disappointed in him but my concern is for her.

I would be wondering what has happened that she thinks this is all she is worth.

I would welcome him back. Kill him with kindness, and by that I mean be cordial and polite, see if he does say sorry. If he's calling her names since the cheating then he really is a bigger shit. But this might be her forever. Are your principles more important than seeing her and her children should she have any?

Pippyls67 · 11/11/2024 19:30

You need to invite him back into the fold so you can plot his demise most effectively. He needs a nice comfortable false sense of security in order to reveal his true colours again.

laraitopbanana · 11/11/2024 19:38

Hi op,

It is like dreading! Could literally be easy anyone who has to put up with this…

If you refuse, you will strenghten the relationship.
If you agree, well, noone has a good Xmas.

Surely Xmas is not the first time you would “resee him”. That isn’t how she needs to do. Try and have him before and put boundaries down : we will have him this year from.. to … and then He needs to fo home. She might disagree and put up a fight but you agreed to her terms, she needs to agree to yours.

Good luck 🌺

Sillyname63 · 11/11/2024 19:47

I would invite him to come over but you and your DH and her brothers need to be there on mass, then separate him from her for " little chat" and make it very clear that it be steps out of line again you will hunt him down and he will be leaving that encounter with a new necklace😡

Necky1 · 11/11/2024 19:49

Awful situation OP.
No advice because I wouldn't want him near her or my home again.
He sounds like scum.
Just keep telling her you are always there for her.
He is abusive so I really wouldn't want him near the house.
Encourage her to bullet proof her contraception.
Look at doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk with her.
It might help her build her boundaries.

Edingril · 11/11/2024 19:54

Sillyname63 · 11/11/2024 19:47

I would invite him to come over but you and your DH and her brothers need to be there on mass, then separate him from her for " little chat" and make it very clear that it be steps out of line again you will hunt him down and he will be leaving that encounter with a new necklace😡

I hope this is a joke

SandyY2K · 11/11/2024 19:56

BusyOnMyPhone · 10/11/2024 01:59

I didn’t expect it would last this long tbh and I’m flabbergasted that it still is tbh.

We’re going to have to let him back in but that will just seem like condoning it and all the hurt he caused her tbh. She’s constantly on alert thinking he’s cheated again unsurprisingly which has led to rows and we’ve seen her in tears on many occasions.

She says all men do it and she’ll never trust another man anyway. Telling her plenty of men don’t including her Dad falls on deaf ears! I can’t get my head round her way of thinking and settling for this. I’ve never been cheated on to my knowledge but I know damn well that I couldn’t continue in the relationship especially so young and it’s not a foundation you can build a marriage and family on!

I’m quite cross sometimes that she’s put us in this position although I know that’s unfair to her to an extent. We had to deal with all the fallout afterwards which was horrendous and I can’t fathom why she’s putting herself through this. I could understand it perhaps if she had DC, financially dependent on him, no support or a big family and friends to put her straight but everyone is horrified that’s she still with him.

He was very much included before this happened, popped over all the time, had dinner, came out with us etc. Have not seen him since. He wants to see us to apologise but I don’t want an apology, he did it to her not us, I want him gone!

I think you should see him and hear his apology.

He hurt you, by hurting your daughter, because you love her.

I think this would go a long way in healing things. Especially if your and DH said things to him in a certain way.

I'm a Therapist and deal with infidelity a lot. I do see some really remorseful cheaters.
Feel free to DM me.

RecklessGoddess · 11/11/2024 20:04

I'm sorry your daughter had to go through that, but once a cheat always a cheat. My sister's partner has cheated on her through their entire relationship, but she never believed it until she finally physically caught him herself. Unfortunately, he literally has no family and has health issues, and is a great dad to their teenage daughter and grown up daughter, so she won't kick him out. But, she no longer takes any crap from him, and they don't have any kind physical/loving relationship (he sleeps downstairs now).

Agapornis · 11/11/2024 20:09

Hope you're getting her some therapy sessions for Christmas.

BoredZelda · 11/11/2024 20:29

Slightly different but related situation here, my daughter is friends again with a couple of girls who treated her appallingly. I used to get on really well with them and they were here quite a lot. We had one chat about her protecting herself against a repeat performance and that was the extent of my involvement. When she talks about them I bite my tongue, if I see them, I'm polite, or she wants them over, I'll be the gracious host.

This hopefully means when she gets burned again, she will again turn to us for help and support. She's only 15 yet I understand she has the right to befriend whoever she wishes and my only role is to guide and support. The last thing I want is for a bad situation to feel worse for her if they drop her again AND she has to feel like a failure because her parents told her this would happen.

I certainly will do the same when she is an adult.

BoredZelda · 11/11/2024 20:33

He’s also been verbally abusive to her and called her names on occasion since this happened.

We’ve told her he knows he can get away with anything now.

Wow, you'd have thought that vital nugget of information would be in the OP......

Teenagehorrorbag · 11/11/2024 22:33

They're early 20s - people do stupid things in their youth, and many of us were cheated on in those days. Or cheated ourselves..... Wild oats and too young to settle down, etc.

It was horrible that she found him and had to deal with that - but she won't be the first!

I had a BF from 17 to 27, and loved him to bits. He cheated regularly and I had a few moments myself (mostly during a break). We moved on but are still friendly 30 years later. If you aren't married and are very young, then maybe fidelity isn't always on the cards....

At the end of the day it's your DD's decision - if she is OK then you have to suck it up. She may move on in time - or they may get married and be together forever! Either way - you need to be supportive, not judge him, and accept her decision. The guy might be absolutely mortified and perfect for her for the rest of their lives. Or he could be a complete pig - but that needs to be her choice.